Friday, April 19, 2013
Closure
Closure is one of those things which I am grateful to receive if the circumstances are favorable. This round, they were. Simply put, better friends than partners, and I'm okay with that. There's still a great deal of familial love invested, and it feels better than a forced and failed relationship to me. Still plenty of reasons to enjoy the person's company.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Tiger Love -- What is it?
One of the things I talk about is "Tiger Love", but I have never quite
explained what it means in terms of myself. I also realized that I never
actually wrote down any of this before... So this is just a good a time
as any to put thoughts to text and provide those of you who interact
with me a peek into my head.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*I fall in love hard and fast. Rationally, I try not to. However, my heart usually has other plans. I own those emotions and accept them. I will discuss them with you so you know where I stand, but I ask that you just let me deal with them as I see fit. New Relationship Energy is a great thing, but it's also not so great for me because I can get consumed by it at times.
*Understand that if you are involved with me, I don't know how to be anything other than bold and passionate with my affections. I simply don't do subtle in terms of loving someone. I try to, and it stresses me out. This is just how I am.
*If I tell you that I love you in English, know that I do. You're awesome and you mean something to me. You are part of my Pack -- my family.
*If I tell you that I love you in another language, you mean the world to me. You have impacted me down to my core, for better or worse. You have a piece of my heart; please be gentle and kind with it.
*If the dynamic changes, just come talk to me. I appreciate blunt honesty over sugarcoating things. Even if I don't -like- the change, I will try to accept it with grace and adjust as necessary.
*Please try not to give me mixed signals. When/if I get them, I take from them that you are interested. They confuse me and hurt my heart if I am told otherwise.
*I forgive. I forgive things that should honestly never be forgiven, but I do. That is just my way. It's fruitless to hold grudges against someone you have at one point loved or shared affection with.
*I get irked or irritated. Rarely angry. If someone incites me to anger (or breaks the trust I've placed in them), they're excommunicated from my Life. Period. I may be civil to you in public, but once you have made your choice, be assured that I have made mine. Et tu, Bruté?
Note: Cross-posted from FetLife.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*I fall in love hard and fast. Rationally, I try not to. However, my heart usually has other plans. I own those emotions and accept them. I will discuss them with you so you know where I stand, but I ask that you just let me deal with them as I see fit. New Relationship Energy is a great thing, but it's also not so great for me because I can get consumed by it at times.
*Understand that if you are involved with me, I don't know how to be anything other than bold and passionate with my affections. I simply don't do subtle in terms of loving someone. I try to, and it stresses me out. This is just how I am.
*If I tell you that I love you in English, know that I do. You're awesome and you mean something to me. You are part of my Pack -- my family.
*If I tell you that I love you in another language, you mean the world to me. You have impacted me down to my core, for better or worse. You have a piece of my heart; please be gentle and kind with it.
*If the dynamic changes, just come talk to me. I appreciate blunt honesty over sugarcoating things. Even if I don't -like- the change, I will try to accept it with grace and adjust as necessary.
*Please try not to give me mixed signals. When/if I get them, I take from them that you are interested. They confuse me and hurt my heart if I am told otherwise.
*I forgive. I forgive things that should honestly never be forgiven, but I do. That is just my way. It's fruitless to hold grudges against someone you have at one point loved or shared affection with.
*I get irked or irritated. Rarely angry. If someone incites me to anger (or breaks the trust I've placed in them), they're excommunicated from my Life. Period. I may be civil to you in public, but once you have made your choice, be assured that I have made mine. Et tu, Bruté?
Note: Cross-posted from FetLife.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
With a new year comes a new outlook, or at least one that has revised itself. Last year was filled with stress, pain, and a bit of heartache. My biggest challenge (aside from rebuilding myself from scratch) was dealing with my emotions regarding E and fighting through my (rather intense) bouts of jealousy.
Late in the year, he backed off to give me some time and space to regroup. I'm still torn between whether I like or dislike the fact that he did, but regardless of how I feel about it, it's what I needed. I drove myself nuts with trying to deal with my emotions regarding him. The time away served to sober me up emotionally and reconnect with Kitten, who is my primary partner. It's been in the past few days that I've ventured to explore my head a bit and figure out where I stand on a more broad scale with regards to being polyamorous. Okay. Maybe the past month or so, if I want to be more accurate.
Time and experiences have a way of changing people. I have friends that I enjoy a playfully flirtatious component to our friendship with. People who I greet with hugs that are a bit longer than average or that get a kiss on the cheek now and again. There are those people in my life who I would consider negotiating play with. Then there are people who, given the development of a long-standing friendship into something more, I would consider sitting them down with Kitten to talk relationship boundaries with. But before and beyond that, open and honest communication plays a massive part.
That is where I feel that I have a lot of growing to do. I've realized that I have not always been the best at communicating my desires or if "the game has changed", as it were. I get frustrated, upset, and angry before asking the questions and finding out the answers to things that are bothering me. I'm driven by emotional reactions rather than rational thought. I am my own worst enemy at times. But something I've challenged myself to do is to let things roll off my back like a duck in water. To not let things get taken out of context and to make me emotional before I've asked the questions I need to. This is what I need to do to make sure poly works for me and that I am able to be adaptable. It forces me to step back and evaluate my perception of a situation as opposed to the reality of it. I don't expect to succeed at it immediately. It will take time and patience, but it is something I'm working towards.
I need to be more in control of and trust myself more before I can ask someone else to trust me, be it as friend, lover, or play partner.
Late in the year, he backed off to give me some time and space to regroup. I'm still torn between whether I like or dislike the fact that he did, but regardless of how I feel about it, it's what I needed. I drove myself nuts with trying to deal with my emotions regarding him. The time away served to sober me up emotionally and reconnect with Kitten, who is my primary partner. It's been in the past few days that I've ventured to explore my head a bit and figure out where I stand on a more broad scale with regards to being polyamorous. Okay. Maybe the past month or so, if I want to be more accurate.
Time and experiences have a way of changing people. I have friends that I enjoy a playfully flirtatious component to our friendship with. People who I greet with hugs that are a bit longer than average or that get a kiss on the cheek now and again. There are those people in my life who I would consider negotiating play with. Then there are people who, given the development of a long-standing friendship into something more, I would consider sitting them down with Kitten to talk relationship boundaries with. But before and beyond that, open and honest communication plays a massive part.
That is where I feel that I have a lot of growing to do. I've realized that I have not always been the best at communicating my desires or if "the game has changed", as it were. I get frustrated, upset, and angry before asking the questions and finding out the answers to things that are bothering me. I'm driven by emotional reactions rather than rational thought. I am my own worst enemy at times. But something I've challenged myself to do is to let things roll off my back like a duck in water. To not let things get taken out of context and to make me emotional before I've asked the questions I need to. This is what I need to do to make sure poly works for me and that I am able to be adaptable. It forces me to step back and evaluate my perception of a situation as opposed to the reality of it. I don't expect to succeed at it immediately. It will take time and patience, but it is something I'm working towards.
I need to be more in control of and trust myself more before I can ask someone else to trust me, be it as friend, lover, or play partner.
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
So. Some fun contemplations. Former employer has a position open that I would do well in. Wondering if I’m completely blacklisted from working for them, or just for my former department. I’m hoping it’s the latter, as I was also a contractor then, not a full-on employee.
On a positive note, if I did happen to get the job and the money was right, it would make my life much easier. 10 min commute vs. 45 min, plus I’d be working early enough that I could do extra-curricular events more easily.
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
What Leather Means To Me
Following is my pledge essay for La Garou. I ask that you forgive the
rambling nature of it, as it’s meant to be more personal reflection than
formal essay.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When asked about what Leather means to me, the first few thoughts are a swirl. They’re a mix of something complex, beautiful, and rustic. Images of men and women robed in leather hats, pants, and vests, arms crossed as they stand at a crossroads, ready to guide those who are willing to learn. But here’s the catch: I know it hasn’t been all glory and honor-bound duty. There has been a fair share of blood and suffering to get us to where we are today as a whole, and it has not been lost on me. To me, the journey our predecessors have taken is just as important as the trail we blaze today. They set the rules and the protocols that guide many of us on our individual journeys, steeped in Personal Integrity, Honor, History, and, above all, a sense of Respect.
Personal Integrity. As a person, who but ourselves is to be held accountable for our actions? We were all taught about owning our actions as children. That consequences could befall us if something we chose to do reflected poorly on ourselves or someone we represented. More so now, with the way our world is changing, it is important that we own our actions, or a lack thereof, and take responsibility. I personally opt to live my life by owning my actions. Much like my predecessors, Leather and not, I choose not to kowtow to the popular opinion. I would rather live for myself and hold myself accountable for the decisions I make.
Honor. To be able to represent myself and/or an organization is to wear the responsibility bestowed as a badge of honor. It is me, not a shadow or a representation of myself, that has been chosen because someone has seen something in me that is valuable. It is a mark of pride to be able to hold my head high with my eyes forward and meet the gaze of another. Pride and honor, for me, walk hand-in-hand in that if I do not take pride in what I am doing, there is no honor in doing it.
History. The Leather culture is full of history that is more than books on a shelf. It is the sense of ritual that we clothe ourselves in when we go to meet one another. It is the strong, booming voice of the leadership that resonates from the walls of our local clubs. It is the story we hear that is passed down through the ages, conveyed in both spoken and written form. It is the reminder that we had a beginning, we are creating our path for the present, and those following in our footsteps will follow our trails and branch out to find their own way in the future. The rituals of the past meeting with the new perspective we bring now.
Respect. What everything boils down to is respect. Respect for one’s self. Respect for one’s peers. Respect for those who have come before us and have much to teach us. It is because of this respect that I do not currently own a leather vest. I grew up having a strong respect for protocols and rituals, and having had the opportunity to learn, at least a little bit, about the struggles of those who came before me, this is my small way of showing them respect. As is the desire to get involved with and give back to the community that helped me define myself further. To earn one’s leather is to go through a series of trials and a period of personal development to earn the respect and trust of your group. To be granted your group’s colors shows that you are capable of living your Life with respect to the organization’s code of conduct and to hold yourself to a higher standard – that you have shown that you have the respect of your peers.
Though I’m young, I’m a little old fashioned when it comes to things like this. I believe that you have to work your way up, showing that you are committed to an idea or a group of ideas. To learn the pack’s rules, as it were – play, work, and live by them –, and still retain your voice. Let them guide you into something – someone – better. To find family within those with whom you share bonds not of blood, but of a common goal and purpose. Because, once you find your place among those like yourself, you will become better overall. They will encourage you in your growth and development, and you’ll do the same to those who follow after. This is what Leather is all about for me. The community of siblings who you may or may not have ever met, but you innately know that you belong with them because you are there for one common goal: the preservation of a culture steeped in Integrity, Honor, History, Respect, Brotherhood, Duty, and so much more.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When asked about what Leather means to me, the first few thoughts are a swirl. They’re a mix of something complex, beautiful, and rustic. Images of men and women robed in leather hats, pants, and vests, arms crossed as they stand at a crossroads, ready to guide those who are willing to learn. But here’s the catch: I know it hasn’t been all glory and honor-bound duty. There has been a fair share of blood and suffering to get us to where we are today as a whole, and it has not been lost on me. To me, the journey our predecessors have taken is just as important as the trail we blaze today. They set the rules and the protocols that guide many of us on our individual journeys, steeped in Personal Integrity, Honor, History, and, above all, a sense of Respect.
Personal Integrity. As a person, who but ourselves is to be held accountable for our actions? We were all taught about owning our actions as children. That consequences could befall us if something we chose to do reflected poorly on ourselves or someone we represented. More so now, with the way our world is changing, it is important that we own our actions, or a lack thereof, and take responsibility. I personally opt to live my life by owning my actions. Much like my predecessors, Leather and not, I choose not to kowtow to the popular opinion. I would rather live for myself and hold myself accountable for the decisions I make.
Honor. To be able to represent myself and/or an organization is to wear the responsibility bestowed as a badge of honor. It is me, not a shadow or a representation of myself, that has been chosen because someone has seen something in me that is valuable. It is a mark of pride to be able to hold my head high with my eyes forward and meet the gaze of another. Pride and honor, for me, walk hand-in-hand in that if I do not take pride in what I am doing, there is no honor in doing it.
History. The Leather culture is full of history that is more than books on a shelf. It is the sense of ritual that we clothe ourselves in when we go to meet one another. It is the strong, booming voice of the leadership that resonates from the walls of our local clubs. It is the story we hear that is passed down through the ages, conveyed in both spoken and written form. It is the reminder that we had a beginning, we are creating our path for the present, and those following in our footsteps will follow our trails and branch out to find their own way in the future. The rituals of the past meeting with the new perspective we bring now.
Respect. What everything boils down to is respect. Respect for one’s self. Respect for one’s peers. Respect for those who have come before us and have much to teach us. It is because of this respect that I do not currently own a leather vest. I grew up having a strong respect for protocols and rituals, and having had the opportunity to learn, at least a little bit, about the struggles of those who came before me, this is my small way of showing them respect. As is the desire to get involved with and give back to the community that helped me define myself further. To earn one’s leather is to go through a series of trials and a period of personal development to earn the respect and trust of your group. To be granted your group’s colors shows that you are capable of living your Life with respect to the organization’s code of conduct and to hold yourself to a higher standard – that you have shown that you have the respect of your peers.
Though I’m young, I’m a little old fashioned when it comes to things like this. I believe that you have to work your way up, showing that you are committed to an idea or a group of ideas. To learn the pack’s rules, as it were – play, work, and live by them –, and still retain your voice. Let them guide you into something – someone – better. To find family within those with whom you share bonds not of blood, but of a common goal and purpose. Because, once you find your place among those like yourself, you will become better overall. They will encourage you in your growth and development, and you’ll do the same to those who follow after. This is what Leather is all about for me. The community of siblings who you may or may not have ever met, but you innately know that you belong with them because you are there for one common goal: the preservation of a culture steeped in Integrity, Honor, History, Respect, Brotherhood, Duty, and so much more.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
All We Are
"All We Are" - Matt Nathanson
I tasted, tasted love so sweet
And all of it was lost on me
Bought and sold like property
Sugar on my tongue
I kept falling over
I kept looking backward
I went broke believing
That the simple should be hard
All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful
I wasted, wasted love for you
Traded out for something new
Well, it's hard to change the way you lose
If you think you've never won
'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful
And in the end the words won't matter
'Cause in the end nothing stays the same
And in the end dreams just scatter and fall like rain
'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, something real
All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, beautiful
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I fell in love with this song after hearing it in an episode of NCIS. It resonates with me, especially after this past year of re-learning to love more than one person and figuring out all of the intricacies of poly. Of love, of jealousy, of compersion, communication, and understanding. But most of all, of learning to enjoy the company of another person without needing to have restrictions imposed by titles.
I love, and that is enough.
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