Closure

Closure is one of those things which I am grateful to receive if the circumstances are favorable. This round, they were. Simply put, better friends than partners, and I'm okay with that. There's still a great deal of familial love invested, and it feels better than a forced and failed relationship to me. Still plenty of reasons to enjoy the person's company.

Tiger Love -- What is it?

One of the things I talk about is "Tiger Love", but I have never quite explained what it means in terms of myself. I also realized that I never actually wrote down any of this before... So this is just a good a time as any to put thoughts to text and provide those of you who interact with me a peek into my head.

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*I fall in love hard and fast. Rationally, I try not to. However, my heart usually has other plans. I own those emotions and accept them. I will discuss them with you so you know where I stand, but I ask that you just let me deal with them as I see fit. New Relationship Energy is a great thing, but it's also not so great for me because I can get consumed by it at times.

*Understand that if you are involved with me, I don't know how to be anything other than bold and passionate with my affections. I simply don't do subtle in terms of loving someone. I try to, and it stresses me out. This is just how I am.

*If I tell you that I love you in English, know that I do. You're awesome and you mean something to me. You are part of my Pack -- my family.

*If I tell you that I love you in another language, you mean the world to me. You have impacted me down to my core, for better or worse. You have a piece of my heart; please be gentle and kind with it.

*If the dynamic changes, just come talk to me. I appreciate blunt honesty over sugarcoating things. Even if I don't -like- the change, I will try to accept it with grace and adjust as necessary.

*Please try not to give me mixed signals. When/if I get them, I take from them that you are interested. They confuse me and hurt my heart if I am told otherwise.

*I forgive. I forgive things that should honestly never be forgiven, but I do. That is just my way. It's fruitless to hold grudges against someone you have at one point loved or shared affection with.

*I get irked or irritated. Rarely angry. If someone incites me to anger (or breaks the trust I've placed in them), they're excommunicated from my Life. Period. I may be civil to you in public, but once you have made your choice, be assured that I have made mine. Et tu, Bruté?


Note: Cross-posted from FetLife.

As part of my pledging for La Garou, they gave me the metaphorical keys to the website. I updated it a few months back, but was finally given approval to update it last weekend. So, I did.

You can check out the updated website here: http://www.lagarou.org

With a new year comes a new outlook, or at least one that has revised itself. Last year was filled with stress, pain, and a bit of heartache. My biggest challenge (aside from rebuilding myself from scratch) was dealing with my emotions regarding E and fighting through my (rather intense) bouts of jealousy.

Late in the year, he backed off to give me some time and space to regroup. I'm still torn between whether I like or dislike the fact that he did, but regardless of how I feel about it, it's what I needed. I drove myself nuts with trying to deal with my emotions regarding him. The time away served to sober me up emotionally and reconnect with Kitten, who is my primary partner. It's been in the past few days that I've ventured to explore my head a bit and figure out where I stand on a more broad scale with  regards to being polyamorous. Okay. Maybe the past month or so, if I want to be more accurate.

Time and experiences have a way of changing people. I have friends that I enjoy a playfully flirtatious component to our friendship with. People who I greet with hugs that are a bit longer than average or that get a kiss on the cheek now and again. There are those people in my life who I would consider negotiating play with. Then there are people who, given the development of a long-standing friendship into something more, I would consider sitting them down with Kitten to talk relationship boundaries with. But before and beyond that, open and honest communication plays a massive part.

That is where I feel that I have a lot of growing to do. I've realized that I have not always been the best at communicating my desires or if "the game has changed", as it were. I get frustrated, upset, and angry before asking the questions and finding out the answers to things that are bothering me. I'm driven by emotional reactions rather than rational thought. I am my own worst enemy at times. But something I've challenged myself to do is to let things roll off my back like a duck in water. To not let things get taken out of context and to make me emotional before I've asked the questions I need to. This is what I need to do to make sure poly works for me and that I am able to be adaptable. It forces me to step back and evaluate my perception of a situation as opposed to the reality of it. I don't expect to succeed at it immediately. It will take time and patience, but it is something I'm working towards.

I need to be more in control of and trust myself more before I can ask someone else to trust me, be it as friend, lover, or play partner.