Portions for Foxes

For lack of a cohesive post about my thought processes, have another song from my past that kinda-sorta applies now.

"Portions for Foxes" - Rilo Kiley

There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
but just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
and I call you and say "C'MERE!"

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news
Baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news

'Cause you're just damage control
for a walking corpse like me - like you

'Cause we'll all be
Portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be
Portions for foxes

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleepin' inside of you
and the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too

And you're bad news
My friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

You're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
I like you

Catharsis in Motion

Last year, I felt rather bitter in the days following Christmas for whatever reason I had. It was either because I was stressed out from money, work, or because something else had torqued my gears. It may have been because I was stuck running around the better part of Illinois. I'm lacking that bitter resentment this year, and I'm rather glad for it. Kitten and I visited 5 of our family members' houses and had a pretty decent time. Her grandmother's still trying to guilt trip her into calling or visiting more often, and several of her paternal relatives are evidently trying to find -some- fault with me. They don't try to engage me in conversation, so I play Bejeweled on my phone or bring my laptop with me. To be fair, I don't really try all that hard in return. They have kids, so a lot of times, I'll play with the kids when I'm over because they don't care about finding a fault with me; they just know I'm awesome, will give them attention, will play with them, and I come with cousin Kitten, so I must be okay. Gotta love younger kids.

More and more, I am very pleasantly surprised by both mine and Kitten's mother. Both parents had something for each Kitten and I, and Kitten's mom gave us a joint gift, which I thought was pretty fantastic. Kitten's already started her "Thank You" cards, and I'll need to work on some, too. This is a sharp contrast to last year, where we were fighting for acceptance from both parents. I'm pleased that we've more or less gotten it.

There were only two things that put a slight damper on the weekend: I wasn't able to visit someone very dear to me during all of the running about (and was consequently a bit stressed out by it -- so it goes with Tiger hearts) and, while turning on the shower faucet, I broke an oak bar from the wall in the bathroom. I'll be tossing clothes on shortly so I can go run errands and get things to repair the small holes left by the screws. Seriously, a very minor repair that shouldn't take me any more than 30-45 minutes.

Today, I have the day off. I'll be making my repair this morning, possibly sleeping a bit more, doing a bit of laundry, and generally hanging about the house. I have a couple of computers I need to see about getting up and running, but, honestly, they'll probably just sit downstairs for a bit. Need to get another monitor that's not my primary one (or borrow the one out in the garage) so I can get both machines up and running.

In a week, I'll either be gallivanting about Chicago with the aforementioned loved one and his best friend's family or I'll be sitting in Trailer Control working on stuff for work. I may take the train up to Chicago regardless after I get off work. Depends on what's going on. Right now, the schedule lists me as being off on the 2nd, but we'll see.

Saturday, I'm headed up to Grayslake by way of Geneva and Elgin to do some last minute shopping for both holiday gifts and personal items for leatherworking.

Actually, when I get back, maybe I'll work on streamlining my website and making it more professional. After I've repaired what I promised to, that is!

. . . By the way, I know I ramble on a lot here. And on LiveJournal, too. For those new to my style of blogging, I tend to use my blogs (especially LJ) as a chronicle of my life. Joy, pain, love, anger. The whole lexicon of emotion, thought, or a lack thereof is all written down so I can go back and remember. Writing is cathartic for me, and so a lot of what I think, even if I don't say it in conversation, is written down. I know it's not always best practice, but I'm more likely to send someone to an entry on my blog that is much better communicated than my own vocalized words would be than to ramble on in conversation. The blog on my website is much, much more focused. Art, cooking, and maybe a bit of a life update now and again.

~ ~ ~

Oh! That quotation on the last entry? Not related to the entry. It was actually posted for someone who reads this blog from time to time and I was hoping they would see it. Heh. I work LP. I use messages within a message sometimes.

I'm now on Christmas break from work. It's only a 4-day weekend, but in those 4 days, Kitten and I are traveling between 5 households in 3 days to visit both my relatives and hers.

Even though I know I'm going to be completely exhausted from all of the running about, I'm excited to see my future in-laws again. Kitten's mom has warmed up to me the past few weeks, so that's making me feel a bit more at ease. The folks from Mendota haven't seen me since the Sweet Corn Fest, and I kind of worry that I won't be as welcome there because I all but dragged Kitten's aunt to the ER kicking and screaming.

Part of this Tour de Illinois will also include Kitten finally meeting my aunt and uncle, and possibly some of my cousins. We've been together over a year and a half at this point, and we're also engaged. I think I'm entitled at this point to make those introductions.


~ ~ ~

“Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It's funny how such a small, simple gesture can make you grin from ear to ear. Thursday night, the boy tried to stay up and wait for me to get to his place. And when I got there, he wouldn't go back to sleep until I promised him I'd be coming to bed shortly. There's also the fact that he curled against me as close as he could without pushing me off the bed, too.

I wish we'd had more one-on-one time, but I'm glad for the little bit that we had together. I always like snuggling with him, even if my heart always races the first few minutes. He's like a violet wand to my senses. Kitten is my warm blanket on a cold winter night.

It's kind of funny how stumbling onto someone's blog post roughly 2 months ago has changed my life. Arguably, I'd say it's for the better.

Some things, I just can't make up.

I posted about making bookmarks last night for some folks on my Christmas list (personalized leather, at that!), and my brother posts this morning asking me what a bookmark is. My first reaction was to ask if he was kidding, then I realized he wasn't, and I just answered his question.

In response, I posted this to Twitter: ...My brother just asked me on Facebook what a bookmark is. Have we really gone that far into the digital that bound books are now obsolete?

I just have no words.

So, last night, I decided to look back at some of my old entries about gender identity and the like to see how far back I've been questioning and questing. I've technically been questioning since 2002 or so, about the same time I started pondering my sexual orientation. When I came out as a lesbian in 2003, it seemed to "click" into place for me. I very distinctly remember driving around town in 2004 on a summer day and being checked out as a guy by some of the local girls and it made me grin and blush, but it didn't register as a negative thing to me.

As I have evolved as a person, my gender identity has shifted. It was much more simple when there were no labels, let me tell you! I know I'm more masculine than feminine. Always have been. Always have been the odd person out, too.

2007, I was looking at packers and I had an image of myself as the "professional boi": What I mean by this is that I have the short, spiked hair that is going to become my new look, my business casual clothes (khakis or black pants and a colored polo or dress shirt), my glasses, am bound, and I'm toned. Really, I don't look fat by societal male standards, though I know I'm overweight by medical standards (At 5'11", I should weigh 185 lbs. I want to get down to somewhere between 200 and 225 eventually and maintain that weight so I don't look like a sack of bones.) and I know I don't look 300 pounds.

I'm sure there are other entries that I don't have tagged (yet) that allude to my desire to bind and pack that are earlier than that one, too. So, this is not a new thing for me at all. I enjoy it when I do it, and, I mean, quite a bit of Kitten and I's sex and intimacy taps greatly into using the "phantom cock" that I have. Echo "gets" that, too.

Speaking of Echo, we were discussing transitioning a few weeks ago and he made an interesting comment to me regarding it. I suppose I should state at this point that I have tossed around the idea of transitioning to male more than a few times. I mean, when I started at Michaels, I had this grand notion of reinventing my self image as male!Samii, but with everything going on, I never did anything with it. Honestly, the only reason why transitioning is not an option for me is because, by and large, I have a holistic view on my health and well-being. I don't like the idea of taking hormones (nevermind that I have an issue with pricking myself for my blood sugar levels as it is) to shift my body one way or the other and I have zero desire to go under the knife for anything other than an emergency procedure that could/would save my life.

That stated, Echo's comment to me was that even though I have all of my hangups on physically transitioning, I've essentially already socially transitioned. Thinking on it, I realized that he's right. At least within my groups of friends, I have. Family's just one of those things where I don't even know what to do with yet; I know many of them would question it, and my mother would all but disown me if I explained that. My mother still interjects the whole "but you're such a pretty girl" comment in hopes that it'll make me see the magic in being female with feminine wiles. I'm not entirely certain of what would happen at work, either, if I decided to pursue my original idea. I'm such an enigma as it is that I really don't need anything else to make me stick out further.

There's also the fact that I feel like a poser and that I'm not "entitled" to use male pronouns because I don't wish to undergo the physical transition. I have many friends who are transgendered (both MtF and FtM) and I try to be as supportive and the best ally as I can to them. They're good folks who deserve the respect any other person gets without trying. I've literally watched 'Brina go through all of the pain, pride, and everything in between of her transition, and am now watching Echo and Kamber do the same. It's sobering, humbling, and, at the same time, makes me fiercely proud of them for pursuing what they need to do to become whole.

Lots of things have been happening with me recently. The biggest thing, of course, outside of re-learning how to swim in the waters that are polyamory, has been my SOP Review Project at work. After roughly 45 hours of work on it, it was completed at 2340 tonight. After that, I promptly knocked out the adjustments I needed to make on my monthly 5-Minute Safety Talk project, and sent that off to be reviewed, as well. Thursday afternoon, of course, I'll need to catch up on everything else I neglected to complete these projects the past 3 or so workdays.

Because I'm nosy and I had access to the folder, I stumbled on our team rankings from July 2010. After being on my team for 7-8 months, I was ranked 3rd out of 5 LPAs. Not terrible. I've had some issues recently with time management (lots of large projects will do that), but I know one of my opportunities for development (displaying my emotions) has improved. Seeing the rankings confirmed the hierarchy that we've sort of developed for ourselves, and it makes me want to work harder and smarter.

Somehow, this also translated into crafter-brain wanting to accomplish something awesome tonight, so I've got a mix of Abney Park's various albums on and I'm leathercrafting for a certain special someone. I botched up his original cuff, so I've been working on a new one that I'm much more pleased with.

Speaking of the crafter brain... All it needs are rivets and snaps.

Domino

 "Domino" - Jessie J

I'm feeling sexy and free
Like glitter's raining on me
You like a shot of pure gold
I think I'm 'bout to explode

I can taste the tension like a cloud of smoke in the air
Now I'm breathing like I'm running cause you're taking me there
Don't you know... you spin me out of control?

Ooh ooh ooh

We can do this all night
Turn this club, skin tight
Baby come on
Pull me like a bass drum
Sparkin' up a rhythm
Baby, come on!

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Rock my world into the sunlight
Make this dream the best I've ever known
Dirty dancing in the moonlight
Take me down like I'm a domino

Every second is a highlight
When we touch don't ever let me go
Dirty dancing in the moonlight
Take me down like I'm a domino

You got me loosing my mind
My heart beats out of time
I'm seeing Hollywood stars
You stroke me like a guitar

I can taste the tension like a cloud of smoke in the air
Now I'm breathing like I'm running cause you're taking me there
Don't you know... you spin me out of control?

Ooh ooh ooh

We can do this all night
Turn this club, skin tight
Baby come on
Pull me like a bass drum
Sparkin' up a rhythm
Baby, come on!

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Rock my world into the sunlight
Make this dream the best I've ever known
Dirty dancing in the moonlight
Take me down like I'm a domino

Every second is a highlight
When we touch don't ever let me go
Dirty dancing in the moonlight
Take me down like I'm a domino

Ooh baby baby got me feeling so right
Ooh baby baby dancing in the moonlight
Ooh baby baby got me feeling so right
Ooh baby baby dancing in the moonlight
Ooh baby baby got me feeling so right
Ooh baby baby dancing in the moonlight

Rock my world into the sunlight
Make this dream the best I've ever known
Dirty dancing in the moonlight
Take me down like I'm a domino

Every second is a highlight
When we touch don't ever let me go
Dirty dancing in the moonlight
Take me down like I'm a domino

Sore, Tired, and Happy

I'm all three of those, and not from anything traditionally "fun". I spent today up at E's, helping him move his belongings from his ex's garage. I only got about 3 hours of sleep to begin with, so I was tired, but I gave E my word that I'd be up there at 9ish. I got up there closer to 10 am with my pit stops and we promptly began to load River up. The first few trips over were E's daughter and I hauling stuff into E's storage area. And we bonded over music, which I thought was fantastically awesome. I even managed to bond a bit with E's son over video games.

Literally the only "down" to the whole thing today was E's ex picking a fight with E in front of the kids. It pissed me off, but I didn't do anything about it because I didn't want to make the situation worse. I did vent to E later, though, about the situation. Also because I was worried about running damage control with him and the kids.

It was definitely hard work on little sleep, but I felt content with the fact that the move got done with minimal issue and minimal vehicles. I also let my brain wander about into places it hasn't previously.

E had mentioned a while ago about his ideal world of living in a poly household where there is mutual love, affection, and it's sustainable. And that's exactly what I mused over. I like E a lot (the word "love" has been mulling over in the back of my head), and I felt genuinely happy, relaxed, and calm being around him and the minions. Yes, I wish Brit had been up there with me, but I look at this as a Very Good Thing.

Two and a half more hours. That's what I keep telling myself, anyways. I'm on lunch right now and taking a few moments to journal since I'm not able to go off-site tonight.

Tonight has been a rough night. While trying to get things done earlier, I got more or less chewed out over the phone for a miss with the 5-Minute Safety Talks and my zone audits. I'm honestly surprised I'm not getting a write-up for this, but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, either. I've also had a rough night keeping my energy up long enough to get things done. I'm ready for bed. Even though I'm only going to get 4 hours (I need to be out the door around 7:30am to help a close friend move some things in the morning), it'll still be sleeping.

It probably doesn't help that I feel like crap, either. I'm sleepy, not thinking rationally, and generally feel like a failure in relation to work.

...And here we go back to work. 0200 can't come soon enough!

There are many things that are making me smile currently:

- Communication with my partners.
- I seem to be the go-to person at work now for research.
- Work finds value in my skills of proofreading and desktop publishing.
- Listening to a lot of J-pop.
- Webcrafting again. Yay!
- Kitten and I are constantly evolving in our relationship.

When Your Mind's Made Up

"When Your Mind's Made Up" - The Swell Season

So, if you ever want something
And you call, call
Then I'll come running
To fight, and I'll be at your door
When there's nothing worth running for

When your mind's made up
When your mind's made up
There's no point trying to change it
When your mind's made up
When your mind's made up
There's no point trying to stop it

You see, you're just like everyone
When the shit falls all you want to do is run, away
And hide all by yourself
When you're far from me, there's nothing else

When your mind's made up
When your mind's made up
There's no point trying to change it
When your mind's made up
When your mind's made up
There's no point even talking
When your mind's made up
When your mind's made up
There's no point trying to fight it

So, if you ever want something
And you call, call
Then I'll come running

Falling

Falling further down the rabbit hole,
And I don't know how deep it goes.
All I know is this falling feels like flying
And it frees my soul and is euphoric.
I'm scared of falling fast
And hitting rock bottom,
But, perhaps I never will;
Perhaps I will keep falling forever
With only a rope to slow me
So I can savor each moment,
Drink it deep as water.
Perhaps I'm not falling down,
But falling up into the Black
That goes on forever and limitless,
Boundless Space that is the definition of
Freedom.
To Love and Be Loved.

...I originally wrote this back on January 16, 2010, but figure it applies now. Originally posted here: http://samiitiger.livejournal.com/1609585.html

For me, MFF is over. I spent the con running a hectic schedule, but it was nonetheless enjoyable.

I have a lot of processing to do yet, but I love my partners. They teamed up while I was at work on Saturday and commissioned an artist for the picture below of our fursonas. Kitten hugging me while Echo noms on my ear with Cait chasing after a ball of yarn and Tybis begrudgingly standing off to the side. I'm just in a place of happy with loved ones.



They presented it to me on Sunday, and it makes me feel happy, loved, and appreciated every time I look at it.

Compersion

Now that I've had more than an hour of sleep, I am hit this morning with a delightful wave of emotion. Between play last night where Kitten and I co-topped a friend, being gently forced to sleep after I came down from Topping by Kitten and my foxboy, and simply waking up next to my fiancee and surrounded by people whom I share some level of mutual affection with, I don't care that I have to work today. While I'm hoping that I get out far earlier than originally scheduled, I'll roll with this.

Sitting here in the dark, listening to quiet snores, I feel very much at peace with myself and the world around me, and in love to some degree with each of the people in my room. To me, this is the definition of poly. Loving multiple people at the same time in their own ways and having each of those individual loves multiply and increase the bonds of the others. Appreciating and caring for each individual separately and as part of the bigger whole.

Cannonball

I'm tied to music in a way that most people are tied to poetry or sights or sounds. Music is wonderful for expressing how I feel. So, have a song that showed up in my past that kinda-sorta applies now.

"Cannonball" - Damien Rice


Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

There's still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to cry
So come on courage, teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't want to scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

Keep on Running

There's a lot going on in life right now that I'm not entirely sure where to start.

I think we'll start with my recent crush since that's pretty prevalent in my life at the moment. I'll preface this by saying that I am very much in the throes of NRE (New Relationship Energy) and I recognize it for what it's worth. But I'm really digging this guy that I'm talking with. It's been a very pleasant 3 weeks of text-chatting and flirting, and he stayed the night with Kitten and I last Saturday after our party. 'Twas very, very nice to sleep curled up between two amazing people, even if my back was arguing with it the next day. Was also not complaining about curling up with the two of them and watching Firefly Saturday night into Sunday evening.

Continuing with the bits of happy for the week, I received a call on Monday from my director notifying me that I had won a scholarship for the LPQ study materials and exam. I'm not left speechless by my job often, but I was on Monday evening. This is just the push I needed to get me back on the study/school trail. I am not complaining. I -do- have a year to complete it, but I'm aiming to complete it in the next 4 months, much like a semester in college. I'll probably start hitting the course materials hard after FurFest in a couple weeks. I sent off a thank you e-mail last night and got back a response from our department VP this morning.

Speaking of FurFest, good lords and ladies is there a lot to be excited about there. Introducing Cait and my crush to the world of furry cons, for one. I also have a playdate with a lovely green vixen at some point during the weekend. I also hear tell that I'll be working registration staff again, though I'm not quite certain when I'll be working it yet. There's also the Drum Jam that I've become infamous for.

So, yes. Times is good, if not a bit busy.

Sometimes, my life takes me in very unexpected directions. This weekend, again, has been proof-positive of that.

Saturday night, after a long, exhausting, and fulfilling night being around friends, I found myself curled up between two wonderful people. And I spent most of Sunday being affectionate while curled up with these same two people. So, this morning, I am a very happy cat. I feel quite loved and appreciated.

The only real downside to the weekend is that my brakes started grinding, which means I have a brake job to do tomorrow morning. At least the calipers still work and I still have brakes. It shouldn't take me too long to do, but I do need to relocate my wrench and C-clamp. And tomorrow is supposed to be at least 8 degrees warmer. I think I can wait a day for warmer weather.

Everything's as prepped food-wise as can be tonight. Kitten's in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on the Kidlets' costumes and I'm taking a small break before I need to check the grill and prep that. Excited is an understatement on many levels tonight. Not only are Kitten and I throwing our first shindig together, but someone I've taken a special liking to is going to be coming to the party.  We may also run out tonight and pay the Clan Ohana a visit in their new home.


This weekend's going to be physically exhausting, I can tell, but is it ever going to be worth it! Surrounded by people I love and call friend with good food, good conversation, and good times.

I could have danced all night!
I could have danced all night!
And still have begged for more.
I could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things I've never done before.
I'll never know 
What made it so exciting.
Why all at once my heart took flight.
I only know when he
Began to dance with me.
I could have danced, danced danced all night! 

- "I Could Have Danced All Night", My Fair Lady

One of the many ways I show I care about someone is by crafting something for them. Many times, it's a mix CD or a piece of drawn art. This time, it's a piece of leatherwork. Here's to hoping the person I'm making it for likes it when it's done. More importantly, that it fits!

If I asked Eris to stop fucking with me, I wouldn't have half the fun in my life that I do. The past week is proof positive of that. <3

Financial shit non-withstanding, I'm content with life currently.

Oh! By the way...

If you're interested in following my adventures on a more regular basis, follow me on LJ: http://samiitiger.livejournal.com

I do keep my blog locked down with the exception of announcements for events, so you'll need an account or an equivalent to view the entries. Totally to protect the innocent. ;)

I seem to be terrible at remembering that I have this blog-space outside of following the blogs of my friends. Good grief. So, where am I at these days?

Things with Laura/Lira/Eri are over and done with. Have been for almost two years, in fact. It's a long, rambling story, but I was kicked down, kicked while I was down, and was forced to claw my way back up to standing. Crawling hurts my knees, but my claws are now sharper because of the experience. Have had a couple of lovers between Lira and my current girlfriend, and I'm happy where I'm at. Still poly (that never changed), but committed to a wonderful woman who I'll be proud to call my fiancee in very short order. She understands and accepts me being poly, especially with the caveat that I don't pursue anything outside of our established relationship without her knowledge and consent. It's always a perk, too, if I can involve her in any of my adventures. ;)

Things with OfficeMax turned sour about that point, too. This would be the kicking me while I'm down part. I fell out of alignment with the corporate machine and was cast off. I'm resourceful, though, in my networking, and found another job in short order. I've been at that job, again in Loss Prevention/Security, for almost two years. Most days I enjoy it, but it certainly tests my patience from time to time.

I also achieved some bits of awesome along the way:
- Founded Kankakee's first ever LGBTA group.
- Finally earned my motorcycle endorsement.
- Reunited (more or less) with family out west
- Found my niche in creativity (leatherwork and photography)

And there's other things and people who keep my interest. ^_^;

Times is good.