One of the things I talk about is "Tiger Love", but I have never quite
explained what it means in terms of myself. I also realized that I never
actually wrote down any of this before... So this is just a good a time
as any to put thoughts to text and provide those of you who interact
with me a peek into my head.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*I fall in love
hard and fast. Rationally, I try not to. However, my heart usually has
other plans. I own those emotions and accept them. I will discuss them
with you so you know where I stand, but I ask that you just let me deal
with them as I see fit. New Relationship Energy is a great thing, but
it's also not so great for me because I can get consumed by it at times.
*Understand
that if you are involved with me, I don't know how to be anything other
than bold and passionate with my affections. I simply don't do subtle
in terms of loving someone. I try to, and it stresses me out. This is
just how I am.
*If I tell you that I love you in English, know
that I do. You're awesome and you mean something to me. You are part of
my Pack -- my family.
*If I tell you that I love you in another
language, you mean the world to me. You have impacted me down to my
core, for better or worse. You have a piece of my heart; please be
gentle and kind with it.
*If the dynamic changes, just come talk
to me. I appreciate blunt honesty over sugarcoating things. Even if I
don't -like- the change, I will try to accept it with grace and adjust
as necessary.
*Please try not to give me mixed signals. When/if I
get them, I take from them that you are interested. They confuse me and
hurt my heart if I am told otherwise.
*I forgive. I forgive
things that should honestly never be forgiven, but I do. That is just my
way. It's fruitless to hold grudges against someone you have at one
point loved or shared affection with.
*I get irked or irritated.
Rarely angry. If someone incites me to anger (or breaks the trust I've
placed in them), they're excommunicated from my Life. Period. I may be
civil to you in public, but once you have made your choice, be assured
that I have made mine. Et tu, Bruté?
Note: Cross-posted from FetLife.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
With a new year comes a new outlook, or at least one that has revised itself. Last year was filled with stress, pain, and a bit of heartache. My biggest challenge (aside from rebuilding myself from scratch) was dealing with my emotions regarding E and fighting through my (rather intense) bouts of jealousy.
Late in the year, he backed off to give me some time and space to regroup. I'm still torn between whether I like or dislike the fact that he did, but regardless of how I feel about it, it's what I needed. I drove myself nuts with trying to deal with my emotions regarding him. The time away served to sober me up emotionally and reconnect with Kitten, who is my primary partner. It's been in the past few days that I've ventured to explore my head a bit and figure out where I stand on a more broad scale with regards to being polyamorous. Okay. Maybe the past month or so, if I want to be more accurate.
Time and experiences have a way of changing people. I have friends that I enjoy a playfully flirtatious component to our friendship with. People who I greet with hugs that are a bit longer than average or that get a kiss on the cheek now and again. There are those people in my life who I would consider negotiating play with. Then there are people who, given the development of a long-standing friendship into something more, I would consider sitting them down with Kitten to talk relationship boundaries with. But before and beyond that, open and honest communication plays a massive part.
That is where I feel that I have a lot of growing to do. I've realized that I have not always been the best at communicating my desires or if "the game has changed", as it were. I get frustrated, upset, and angry before asking the questions and finding out the answers to things that are bothering me. I'm driven by emotional reactions rather than rational thought. I am my own worst enemy at times. But something I've challenged myself to do is to let things roll off my back like a duck in water. To not let things get taken out of context and to make me emotional before I've asked the questions I need to. This is what I need to do to make sure poly works for me and that I am able to be adaptable. It forces me to step back and evaluate my perception of a situation as opposed to the reality of it. I don't expect to succeed at it immediately. It will take time and patience, but it is something I'm working towards.
I need to be more in control of and trust myself more before I can ask someone else to trust me, be it as friend, lover, or play partner.
Late in the year, he backed off to give me some time and space to regroup. I'm still torn between whether I like or dislike the fact that he did, but regardless of how I feel about it, it's what I needed. I drove myself nuts with trying to deal with my emotions regarding him. The time away served to sober me up emotionally and reconnect with Kitten, who is my primary partner. It's been in the past few days that I've ventured to explore my head a bit and figure out where I stand on a more broad scale with regards to being polyamorous. Okay. Maybe the past month or so, if I want to be more accurate.
Time and experiences have a way of changing people. I have friends that I enjoy a playfully flirtatious component to our friendship with. People who I greet with hugs that are a bit longer than average or that get a kiss on the cheek now and again. There are those people in my life who I would consider negotiating play with. Then there are people who, given the development of a long-standing friendship into something more, I would consider sitting them down with Kitten to talk relationship boundaries with. But before and beyond that, open and honest communication plays a massive part.
That is where I feel that I have a lot of growing to do. I've realized that I have not always been the best at communicating my desires or if "the game has changed", as it were. I get frustrated, upset, and angry before asking the questions and finding out the answers to things that are bothering me. I'm driven by emotional reactions rather than rational thought. I am my own worst enemy at times. But something I've challenged myself to do is to let things roll off my back like a duck in water. To not let things get taken out of context and to make me emotional before I've asked the questions I need to. This is what I need to do to make sure poly works for me and that I am able to be adaptable. It forces me to step back and evaluate my perception of a situation as opposed to the reality of it. I don't expect to succeed at it immediately. It will take time and patience, but it is something I'm working towards.
I need to be more in control of and trust myself more before I can ask someone else to trust me, be it as friend, lover, or play partner.
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