With a new year comes a new outlook, or at least one that has revised itself. Last year was filled with stress, pain, and a bit of heartache. My biggest challenge (aside from rebuilding myself from scratch) was dealing with my emotions regarding E and fighting through my (rather intense) bouts of jealousy.

Late in the year, he backed off to give me some time and space to regroup. I'm still torn between whether I like or dislike the fact that he did, but regardless of how I feel about it, it's what I needed. I drove myself nuts with trying to deal with my emotions regarding him. The time away served to sober me up emotionally and reconnect with Kitten, who is my primary partner. It's been in the past few days that I've ventured to explore my head a bit and figure out where I stand on a more broad scale with  regards to being polyamorous. Okay. Maybe the past month or so, if I want to be more accurate.

Time and experiences have a way of changing people. I have friends that I enjoy a playfully flirtatious component to our friendship with. People who I greet with hugs that are a bit longer than average or that get a kiss on the cheek now and again. There are those people in my life who I would consider negotiating play with. Then there are people who, given the development of a long-standing friendship into something more, I would consider sitting them down with Kitten to talk relationship boundaries with. But before and beyond that, open and honest communication plays a massive part.

That is where I feel that I have a lot of growing to do. I've realized that I have not always been the best at communicating my desires or if "the game has changed", as it were. I get frustrated, upset, and angry before asking the questions and finding out the answers to things that are bothering me. I'm driven by emotional reactions rather than rational thought. I am my own worst enemy at times. But something I've challenged myself to do is to let things roll off my back like a duck in water. To not let things get taken out of context and to make me emotional before I've asked the questions I need to. This is what I need to do to make sure poly works for me and that I am able to be adaptable. It forces me to step back and evaluate my perception of a situation as opposed to the reality of it. I don't expect to succeed at it immediately. It will take time and patience, but it is something I'm working towards.

I need to be more in control of and trust myself more before I can ask someone else to trust me, be it as friend, lover, or play partner.