My Magick is starting to come back to me. This thrills me on many levels because I am a Fire elemental.

Planning is good, doing is better.

- I rocked out my interview on Tuesday.
- I rocked out my interview outfit and raised the bar for everyone else.
- I got an "attaboy" in my e-mail this morning from my Director for a project I completed.

...I don't know if I'll get the CiT position because of my past and the bias towards me at work, but even if I don't, things are working for me and I'm being "groomed" for a position as an auditor or at Corporate.

~ ~ ~

I'm a contented jumble of happy Tiger right now. To add to my good day at work, E is incredibly good, whether or not he realizes it, at doing small little things that make me smile and get warm fuzzies.

I have my interview for Coach (Supervisor) in Training on Tuesday afternoon. I told both Kitten and E about it and they both told me good luck. Knowing that I have two really fantastic partners who support me in this is an amazing boost to my self-confidence.

Kitten is looking to go for Manager in Training later this year at her job, as well. E's set to sit for his EMT-B in another month or so, so I've got my fingers and toes crossed for him, as well. I know he'll pass, but a bit of positive energy never hurt anyone, either.

~ ~ ~

Kitten and I decided to look for condos instead of looking for a house. It will be considerably easier to find a condo that fits our budget than a house, so that's what we're running with. I think next week will be the "official" start of the housing hunt. We've already started talking to a mortgage lender in town, so we know how much we can play with. Our target area is Aurora/Naperville/Plainfield, so both of us can be reasonably close to work, plus this puts us less far away from E and our friends than if we had ended up in Joliet/New Lenox/Lockport. I am okay with this for many reasons.

"It is only by following your deepest instinct that you can lead a rich life, and if you let your fear of consequence prevent you from following your deepest instinct, then your life will be safe, expedient, and thin."

- Katherine Butler Hathaway

. . . Sometimes, I find things tucked away in my LJ right when I need them. This quotation is from nearly 3 years ago and it applies even more now. I think too much and miss out on even more simply because I'm so worried about the "what ifs". I need to change this about me and right now is the perfect time since I have to rebuild myself again.

. . . I know what my instincts say and they generally aren't wrong. I just need to listen to them more. I'm supposed to be Tiger, after all.

More importantly, those feelings of failure and inadequacy that I have need to go away. I am good at being who I am and doing what I do and should not compare myself to others. I also need to accept failure as something that happens in various circumstances. It simply means I have more growing and learning to do, not that I'm terrible at something.

Today (Sunday), I visited E's church for their service. This is notable for me. I haven't willingly gone to a church service in over a decade.

I left the Baptist church when I was 12-13 years old. I dropped out of choir and stopped going to services when I realized the hipocrasy of things that were being spouted at me. I was galled that a Preacher, an ordained Man of God, was telling me that honesty and fidelity were important only to find out that he was having an affair.  I questioned Christianity and started researching Wicca and Paganism. Mom had a shit-fit when she went looking through my belongings and found a book by Wiccan author Silver Ravenwolf. To Ride A Silver Broomstick, if I recall. Anyways, she and I butted heads about religion, which only sealed my opinion further.

I dabbled in Shamanism for 4-5 years and recently settled on just being tied to the elements. My personal belief system is similar to that of a Shaman, but I don't follow that exact path anymore. To give a brief explanation, I believe there is a Creator and that Creator has a committee composed of the Elements and the Fates that help them keep balance in Life. Humans are plopped on a sliding scale of Positive and Negative rather than good or bad. When we're born, we start at 0 - Neutral - but events in our lives and our upbringing shifts that one way or the other. I believe heavily in Karma and the concept of Paying it Forward. I don't need to subscribe to a specific doctrine to know that this is what's right for me; in fact, I detest organized religion.

Which is why going to church with E today was notable. For the most part, I enjoyed the service. I loved that there was a lot of music, both hymn and instrumental, and that all of the hymns sung by the congregation were promoting the concept of "Be awesome to each other and the environment". I even dug the fact that they had an organization that they did an offering for in addition to just one for the church. The church itself is open and accepting of all benevolent ideologies, which I grok. The one thing that made me wince is the concept of God. See above paragraph. I simply don't subscribe to the concept of one solo entity being in charge of everything. But that's my opinion and I do realize that my mileage may vary. Still, while it's highly unlikely that I'll become a full-blown member of E's church, visiting was a pleasant enough experience that I would go again if invited.

~ ~ ~

The whole reason I ended up at church with him to begin with is because we were going to go to the Barn Dance today at Fermi Lab, but didn't quite get there. After the service, there was a LGBT organization planning meeting that he wanted to attend, so we did. The meeting ran until just after 2pm, which is when the dance started. Instead, we wandered AmSci, then went back to his apartment (with me falling asleep in the car on the way back) and watched most of the first season of The Walking Dead. I'm not as hooked as Mestopho is, but it was good to watch and the zombies are hella cool to look at. I made it back to DeKalb roughly an hour ago and am now contemplating sleep soon.

Step by step, things are happening in Life that are making it interesting.

- After having a mental breakdown almost two weeks ago, I'm rebuilding walls that I need and trying to reincorporate friendships and relationships in a much more healthy way for me.

- My father was sent to the hospital last week for having excess fluid in his body. Several liters were drained and tests were run on him. Congestive heart failure, which means that I need to start squirreling away money for a trip to Alabama sometime in the future. I. . . honestly don't know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I know Dad's basically one foot in the grave. On the other, Dad hasn't been there for me at all and I still have a great deal of resentment for him for that, even if I'm okay with him in general.

- I tossed my hat in the ring for the Coach (Supervisor) in Training position at work. The interview will likely be later this week. I don't expect to get the position, but I'm certainly going to give it my all anyways. ^_^

- I made Alligators with one of E's minions on Saturday. They're time-intensive to make, but pretty fantastic all the same. I'm stupid!happy with the fact that I learned how to make something that I grew up with. And what's even more amazing is that I made homemade almond paste to go in them. Murr.

- I had the first of many meetings with our 2nd shift Operations Manager last night. These meetings will be geared towards me learning about how our operation runs and getting me more integrated in the logistics component of our facility, making me more valuable not just to my current company but to other companies down the line.
-- Related to this, he also gave me a challenge. He knows I have a lot of energy and drive to change things for the better, but, sometimes, that can brush people the wrong way, as it has in the past. His challenge to me was to take things slow and do things on a small scale; get down on a personal level with individuals or small groups and win them over that way.

~ ~ ~

I'm supposed to be attending a Family Reunion planning meeting Sunday evening. The more I think about it, the more I want to skip it. Sure, I want to help plan it, but I'm two hours away, plus Mom's going to be in Canada that weekend, so I won't have anywhere to stay at, anyways. There's also the very selfish reason that I'm spending part of the weekend with E because I don't get to see him that often. =3

I'll end up doing research on some options for various trips, one being St. Louis. Thankfully, I already have a hotel contact down there. Other options are Ypsilanti/Ann Arbor/Detroit, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis, Nashville, or the Dells. Hell, I may even find out information for Washington, D.C., New York City, or Orlando, FL. Just as ideas. xD

Kestra'chern

A Kestra'chern always provides what you need, not necessarily what you want. Sometimes, the two run atwixt.

But what is a Kestra'chern? In the most simple terms, they are healers. When I say healer, though, I don't mean in the way that doctors heal physical afflictions. Kestra'chern certainly can provide aid in that manner, but it goes deeper than that. The term comes originally from Mercedes Lackey's novel The Black Gryphon. Amberdrake, one of the main characters in the book, is a Kestra'chern, a type of healer that specializes more in healing the metaphysical heart and soul than the physical body. There are actual healers in the world of the novel that serve as a type of doctor.

How this specifically applies to me is that people (not all, but many) will open up to me fairly easily because they know they can trust me. I detest spreading gossip and, typically, if someone tells me something, I'm not going to repeat it unless another person needs to know about it to prevent a malicious occurrence. I'm bluntly honest; I have no problem telling someone exactly what I observe and what my opinions are. I detest sugar-coating topics. If I think you're a tool, I'm going to tell you you're a tool and why I think that.

The counterpoint to being this confidant persona is that because I'm so busy being strong for others, a lot of times, my own needs to vent and be healed get pushed to the side. And they build up until I break.

I started writing this post a few weeks ago, before I had my breakdown last Monday, and find it still applies. I've also been surprised by the fact that I've had several people tell me that, despite the fact that I'm currently sitting with all of my old wounds exposed, I am still one of the strongest people they know. I have also been reminded by someone very dear to me that I need to stop thinking so much and just do; my friends and chosen family won't walk away from me when I need them.

I don't ever think I'll not be a Kestra'chern. There are aspects of being a healer-type that are ingrained into my personality, but I will be taking a lot more time for myself to ensure I keep my balance.