So. Some fun contemplations. Former employer has a position open that I would do well in. Wondering if I’m completely blacklisted from working for them, or just for my former department. I’m hoping it’s the latter, as I was also a contractor then, not a full-on employee.

On a positive note, if I did happen to get the job and the money was right, it would make my life much easier. 10 min commute vs. 45 min, plus I’d be working early enough that I could do extra-curricular events more easily.

What Leather Means To Me

Following is my pledge essay for La Garou. I ask that you forgive the rambling nature of it, as it’s meant to be more personal reflection than formal essay.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When asked about what Leather means to me, the first few thoughts are a swirl. They’re a mix of something complex, beautiful, and rustic. Images of men and women robed in leather hats, pants, and vests, arms crossed as they stand at a crossroads, ready to guide those who are willing to learn. But here’s the catch: I know it hasn’t been all glory and honor-bound duty. There has been a fair share of blood and suffering to get us to where we are today as a whole, and it has not been lost on me. To me, the journey our predecessors have taken is just as important as the trail we blaze today. They set the rules and the protocols that guide many of us on our individual journeys, steeped in Personal Integrity, Honor, History, and, above all, a sense of Respect.

Personal Integrity. As a person, who but ourselves is to be held accountable for our actions? We were all taught about owning our actions as children. That consequences could befall us if something we chose to do reflected poorly on ourselves or someone we represented. More so now, with the way our world is changing, it is important that we own our actions, or a lack thereof, and take responsibility. I personally opt to live my life by owning my actions. Much like my predecessors, Leather and not, I choose not to kowtow to the popular opinion. I would rather live for myself and hold myself accountable for the decisions I make.

Honor. To be able to represent myself and/or an organization is to wear the responsibility bestowed as a badge of honor. It is me, not a shadow or a representation of myself, that has been chosen because someone has seen something in me that is valuable. It is a mark of pride to be able to hold my head high with my eyes forward and meet the gaze of another. Pride and honor, for me, walk hand-in-hand in that if I do not take pride in what I am doing, there is no honor in doing it.

History. The Leather culture is full of history that is more than books on a shelf. It is the sense of ritual that we clothe ourselves in when we go to meet one another. It is the strong, booming voice of the leadership that resonates from the walls of our local clubs. It is the story we hear that is passed down through the ages, conveyed in both spoken and written form. It is the reminder that we had a beginning, we are creating our path for the present, and those following in our footsteps will follow our trails and branch out to find their own way in the future. The rituals of the past meeting with the new perspective we bring now.

Respect. What everything boils down to is respect. Respect for one’s self. Respect for one’s peers. Respect for those who have come before us and have much to teach us. It is because of this respect that I do not currently own a leather vest. I grew up having a strong respect for protocols and rituals, and having had the opportunity to learn, at least a little bit, about the struggles of those who came before me, this is my small way of showing them respect. As is the desire to get involved with and give back to the community that helped me define myself further. To earn one’s leather is to go through a series of trials and a period of personal development to earn the respect and trust of your group. To be granted your group’s colors shows that you are capable of living your Life with respect to the organization’s code of conduct and to hold yourself to a higher standard – that you have shown that you have the respect of your peers.

Though I’m young, I’m a little old fashioned when it comes to things like this. I believe that you have to work your way up, showing that you are committed to an idea or a group of ideas. To learn the pack’s rules, as it were – play, work, and live by them –, and still retain your voice. Let them guide you into something – someone – better. To find family within those with whom you share bonds not of blood, but of a common goal and purpose. Because, once you find your place among those like yourself, you will become better overall. They will encourage you in your growth and development, and you’ll do the same to those who follow after. This is what Leather is all about for me. The community of siblings who you may or may not have ever met, but you innately know that you belong with them because you are there for one common goal: the preservation of a culture steeped in Integrity, Honor, History, Respect, Brotherhood, Duty, and so much more.

All We Are

"All We Are" - Matt Nathanson

I tasted, tasted love so sweet
And all of it was lost on me
Bought and sold like property
Sugar on my tongue

I kept falling over
I kept looking backward
I went broke believing
That the simple should be hard

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful

I wasted, wasted love for you
Traded out for something new
Well, it's hard to change the way you lose
If you think you've never won

'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful

And in the end the words won't matter
'Cause in the end nothing stays the same
And in the end dreams just scatter and fall like rain

'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, something real

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, beautiful 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I fell in love with this song after hearing it in an episode of NCIS. It resonates with me, especially after this past year of re-learning to love more than one person and figuring out all of the intricacies of poly. Of love, of jealousy, of compersion, communication, and understanding. But most of all, of learning to enjoy the company of another person without needing to have restrictions imposed by titles.

I love, and that is enough.

Despite the fact that I spent the last week confined to my apartment, my headspace has been okay. I largely credit the move to more populous surroundings to that. Well, that, and I've been keeping my brain occupied by watching NCIS. xD

I have been, of course, missing physical contact since I've been sick. Being under the weather (and contagious) has meant very limited physical affection for me.

Upon my return to work today, I found that I was indeed missed by many of my peers, and I also found out that the position I had applied for was filled. I'm not crushed, though. I figured I wouldn't get it from the onset, but I had to try all the same.

This weekend, Kitten and I are headed to her grandfather's to sell some of our stuff in a garage sale. Hoping to make some extra padding cash for our joint account.

The past few days, I have been home, sick in bed from work. Generally, this tends to make me cranky and lethargic because I always have to be doing something. I've camped out on one end of the couch with Kitten on the other end (we have a rather large sectional) when she's home and sleeping. I've spent a large chunk of time just sleeping since Tuesday.

Speaking of which, Tuesday, I went to work intending to go the full shift. Once there, I was miserable and cranky and decided to leave after an hour. On my way home, I stopped at Physician's Immediate Care in Plainfield and saw a doctor. I was diagnosed with a viral upper respiratory infection and also provided a prescription for cough medicine with hydrocodone and a doctor's note for work. I was also very firmly, but gently advised to stay home for a couple days to rest. Leaving on Tuesday does mean I lost my holiday pay for Monday, but I would rather not have gone to the hospital instead.

Today, I may try to do laundry and get that done. I may also see about setting up my desktop, but Kitten asked me to avoid heavy lifting, so we'll see.

Scariest phone call I've ever made. But it's done. And I now have an appointment at Howard Brown to see a doctor on Friday morning about possibly/probably starting my medical transition.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Brought the bike to work today. Best decision evar. Head is mostly clear and I'm being a badass. -And- it's supposed to be nice all week? Bike week! =D

Sometimes, it sucks living inside my head. For the past week, I had been doing battle with my demons. Namely my abandonment issues. When I get stuck in a rut caused by that demon, it's hard to get me out.

I have not always been this bad. It's really since my breakdown in March that I've had this much of an issue.

Right now, I'm okay. Every now and again, I need very pointed reminders that I am wanted. Otherwise, my demons come roaring back. I ended up reading through some of my older texts with E. Those, plus thinking of his actions recently, were strong reminders to me that I am wanted.

I feel much more calm, focused, and relaxed. I feel less anxious and stressed. I'm not trapped inside the cage of my head, pacing about. Just from the reassurance that a few words and a few fingers brushing against my cheek from someone I care deeply for can provide.

Gibbs's Unnumbered Rule:

Never second guess yourself in a relationship or life.

To elaborate further, I try to follow this in my day-to-day life. I try to first and foremost do things that will not cause harm to others, then try to not second-guess my decisions. It's hard not to. I often have a case of "what if..." with many things that I do, and then I remember that I involve myself in situations and with people that won't screw me over. Or, rather, I try to.

Specifically, I posted it because I needed the reminder that, while my relationship with E has challenged everything I know about being in a relationship with someone, at the end of the day, he makes me happy. I can only hope that, despite my shortcomings, I have offered that in return.

- My job has been batshit insane as of late. People doing lots of stupid things and getting caught with their metaphorical pants down.

- Moving is happening. Friday afternoon, I'll be dismantling the tech in our house and getting it moved over to the new place when we move in. Same thing for clothing.

- My head sucks. I keep overthinking things with both Kitten and E and sticking my foot in my mouth. Trying not to do that so much since I like both of them and vastly prefer not making an idiot out of myself like I seem to be doing so well.

- Got my first mosquito bites of the season last night. The little buggers became more stealthy this generation.

- Going "dark" at home this weekend for the next month or two until Kitten and I figure out a budget. Whee.

I'm just going to leave this here... Mostly because I know that E is not on LJ and hasn't seen this post. Short list of "How To Handle Your Tiger", written originally back in November 2009 (updated to fit now).

- I don't know when to quit. Failure is a word that I strive to keep out of my vocabulary, and that extends to almost every aspect in my life. What I need to do is learn to accept failures and defeats as a part of learning and growing. I am a persistent little git. In general, this is a good thing because it means that I will find ways to solve problems. It's not so great within my relationships because it means that I will poke someone until either I get an answer or I get a tactical nuke to the face. Usually, it's a tactical nuke. I need to work on this through developing patience.

- My brain does not deal with an abstract concept of time. At. All. A lot of times, people will hear me talk in concrete terms. This is because I don't know how to process an unknown. I need to have deadlines for when things are due and the like. I need to also have goals set up, not concepts of goals. For example, if someone tells me that "I'll talk to you in a couple weeks", unless something comes up that they need to know about Right This Second, I'll go off and focus on something else for that two weeks, then poke at them around when the deadline is. Without having something to look forward to, it sends my brain careening off into "oh, shit" space and I start reading into every little thing looking for answers and/or reassurances. As long as people understand that I need "deadlines", this is something that can be mitigated.

- Up until a couple of weeks ago (November 2009), all my brain understood is "work or girlfriend", not anything in-between. This is very much a case of me needing to find something else to focus my energy on. I'm working on that one. Getting back into reading, plus there has been talk of a Tinker's Dam game being started up soon. RP is very much one of my passions, and I want to re-ignite that blaze. There has also been light talk of a Changeling LARP starting up down around here. Ultimately, though, I need hobbies to keep me busy from Point A to Point B to Point C.

- Physical affection is good. It's very good for me. In general, I am very self-conscious of my appearance, mostly due to everyone and my mother commenting on either the state of my teeth or how rotund I am. By receiving hugs and the like, it reinforces my self-worth. Specifically, in a relationship, I prefer non-verbal communication to display my affection and attraction, so the importance to me is kicked up several notches. Ironically enough, though, my brain is wired in such a way that when I am near my partner, even if we're working on separate projects in different parts of the dwelling, I can be content with the knowledge that I could just as easily go to where that person is and give them a hug or kiss if I wanted.

- I keep mentioning "clue-by-fours". The fastest way to get me to do something is to tell me flat out, "please do X, Y, or Z". Don't skirt around an issue with me; my brain is VERY much wired like a male's and, as such, being blunt and honest with me is the best way to communicate with me. Telling me flat out what I need to do, plus giving me a "deadline" more or less ensures my compliance. Giving me a reason why I'm being asked/told to do something gives me even more of a reason to comply. Likewise, I try to be clear in my communication, as well.

- Along with that last point, tell me straight up if I'm being an idiot or I've missed a cue. I can be really dense at times and can/will miss cues that I wouldn't when I'm at the top of my game. It's happened a few times recently, and I am working on getting better about it, but I still need the "clue-by-four" reminders.

If you ever want to see the "Real" me, put me in water. No, I'm not kidding. I have always loved swimming, and putting me in water is just true to my nature as a Tiger. Responsibility and stress shed, and my personality shines through. There's no pretending and no masks to hide behind. It's all me. And I am very much at heart a playful cat, even though the Real World demands so much of me.

I spent 4 or so hours on Sunday in the pool and had a lot of fun. Though I was physically tired (and not even as much as I have been in the past when swimming), I was mentally aware and my mind was clear. It was an amazing feeling to just not think about anything that normally stresses me out, especially after the week I had at work.

But, man, when I was driving home, I don't know what the hell happened there. I crashed, and hard. I was a mixed-up jumble of feelings. Everything that got pushed to the side while swimming came roaring back, and at the crest of the wave was the feeling I always get when leaving my boy's place. It's the same feeling I've felt a multitude of times before with other people that I have opened up to -- Kiwi, JJ, Lira, Kitten, Youko -- where I'll miss them as soon as I leave them to return to my daily life because being with them is a departure from the norm and makes me forget everything else that is bearing down on me.

Which brings me to another concurrent point, actually.

A few relationships back, I had a partner tell me that, although they loved me, they weren't in love with me. My brain and heart, they do not compute this. If I tell someone I love them, then I do unconditionally. My brain and heart, for as often as they fight, are in agreement upon that. If you love someone, it's unconditional. It may be different types of love (familial vs. friendly vs. romantic), but you still accept someone with all of their faults, challenges, and elements that made you fall for them in the first place.

This pretty much sums up my thoughts on love and the unconditional nature it thrives in. If I have told you I love you -- and I mean truly told you, this is what I mean. It means that I take you as you are, postive, negtive, and in-between.

Mr. Hensley, my former Drama teacher, had a saying: "We should all love each other for who we are; not who we want each other to be." He wrote it in my yearbook one year in Jr. High or High School, but, more importantly, it's a saying I've carried with me for the past several years. I try not to change my partners, but to accept and understand them as they are. That's the way I've always been in my relationships, and that's how I'll always be.

There are few things more wonderful than having both of my partners try to keep me in their respective beds to snuggle with them.

I have been bubbling about this all day. I am a very lucky cat to have such wonderful people as partners. <3

A Journey Here, A Journey There

So, it's evidently been a few weeks since I've posted here. Life continues to be interesting for me as always. I went to Portland for my sister-from-another-mister's handfasting to her wife. Lots of crazy-awesome happened... But you can read about that below! =D

Portland!
(Written on July 12, 2012 on LiveJournal)

So, I went to Portland this past weekend for sabrinageek's handfasting to her wife Mana. I did a lot more in the 2 days that I was out there than I planned to do, but I'm glad I did. I'm definitely re-energized despite the early mornings and late nights of the trip, though I attribute the energy to being around good friends and in a location that makes me happy (or at least content).

Friday



I started off my journey by waking up around 0300. I showered and dressed, kissed playfulkitten89 goodbye, and was out the door by 0330. I headed out to Midway, got there a little after 0500 and caught the shuttle to the airport. I checked into my flight and got through security in roughly 15 minutes. It probably helped that I had dressed for security and didn't have to go through a lot to go through it. My flight was at 0835, so I had roughly 3 hours to wait, so I got breakfast at Red Mango, a frozen yogurt stand. Big freakin' parfait with granola and fresh fruit. As far as airport food goes, that was a steal.

While I waited for my flight, I bought internet (bad idea, as every other place I used internet was either free or cheaper than what I paid), so I was able to catch up on things before I headed out.

On my flight, I sat in the window seat since I wanted to take pictures of the mountains when we got to them. Our flight had Wifi, so I was tethered there, too. Mostly, I watched our flight's progress and checked the weather. When we flew over Idaho and Washington/Oregon, I took pictures of the mountains below us. I took pictures of the Rockies, and pictures of the Washington Trio: Mt. St. Helens, Mt. Hood, and Mt. Rainier.

Once we were on the ground, our luggage was already at baggage claim, so I grabbed my bags, wished the young man sitting next to me a good trip (he was good company on the flight), and grabbed my rental car. My rental was a Toyota Corolla. Let me just say that I was thrilled with the car. Not only was it roomy enough for both posicat and myself to be comfortable, but it also had Bluetooth tethering, so I got to listen to my music on my travels.

Once I had my car, I headed up to the Centralia Distribution Center for my tour. I thought to pack my badge with me, so I had it out and ready for display when I hit Trailer Control. When I arrived, Don, the LP Manager met me and introduced me to his on-duty team. I toured the facility with a gentleman named Tom, who I made conversation with about the differences in our buildings as we walked. Their building is built differently than ours, but also similarly. My favorite part of the excursion, admittedly, was meeting up with Don after the tour and spending a good 1.5-2 hours talking with him. When I've previously seen him, we knew we grokked one another, but sitting and just talking with him confirmed it on many levels. I even got a job offer, though, talking with Kitten, I have to decline. =/ But still, I want to keep in touch with him because we do get along so well and I think we can be mutually beneficial to one another in our development.

After shuffling Don off for his meeting with the GM, I headed out to pick up Posi approx. 30 minutes away in Lacey, where he was staying with Amanda. Picked up Posi, grabbed food, then hurtled down the highway to Aloha, where 'Brina and Mana live. Made it to Brina and Mana's, relaxed for a bit there, then headed across town to the Wonder Ballroom where Abney Park was performing.

When we got to the venue, Mana had her camera with her and got told by the door security that she wouldn't be allowed in with her camera. Our group was a bit torqued off by this, to say the least. 'Brina went in and found Captain Robert (AP lead singer), and he vouched for our group to take pictures. Woot!

Wasn't terribly thrilled with Vagabond Opera, who was the opening act, but Abney Park had ridiculous amounts of energy. Seriously. I have no idea how Robert can bounce around on stage for 1+ hours and NOT look completely exhausted. I'm also fairly sure that if I hadn't gotten off a plane 12 hours earlier and driven ~4 hours round trip, I would have enjoyed the show much more than I did. Regardless, I got to see Abney Park perform, and it was indeed as good as I'd imagined. Post-concert, we wandered back to Brina and Mana's, and went our separate ways for the evening.

Got to the hotel and the night clerk gave me crap for having 2 people in my room (when I reserved the room originally, it was just supposed to be me in there). Suffice to say that nothing came of it. Sleep happened.

Saturday



Posi and I stumbled out of bed, showered, and got clothes on before wandering to Brina and Mana's. Once there, we piled into Brina's van, stopped by Fred Meyer for breakfast-type foods, then went over to Portland State University (PSU) to catch the trolley/train. On our trip, we strolled through campus, made our way downtown to the public square, visited the Open Air Market on the riverside, and went to Powell's Books. While at Powell's (and a bit after), I text-chatted with Eria about a book series she had recommended to me a few years back. The conversation was mostly civil, though she's still snippy with me to some degree (I still don't get this, as I've been nothing but polite to her *shrug*). Kinda stung, but I shrugged it off. Adventures in a new place and all. On the way back to the house, we took the scenic route up a mountain and through a forest preserve. Do want to go stomp around there more at some point.

Did food at Sweet Tomatoes (om nom!), then wandered back to the house to get ready for the handfasting.

Lots of things happened last minute that resulted in things being hectic, so Posi and I ended up officiating the ceremony. This was the first time that I've been directly involved in any sort of substantial ritual, and I consider it a deep honor not only to have been asked to participate, but also to bind the couple with their chosen handfasting ribbon.

Following the ceremony, there was a random visit to the beach. Driving through the mountains on the way to Seaside was fantastic, though I also dozed off and on during the ride. Got to the beach and I stayed up on the concrete and took pictures while the rest of our group went down to the ocean and played in the water. I note at this point that I overthink things, was wearing sandals, and know that jellyfish live in the coastal waters, meaning that I don't even touch the sand. I also had a small breakdown upon realizing that it's been 10 years since I've been on the Pacific Ocean. The West Coast is more my home than the Midwest, so it was very much a feeling of nostalgia and shell-shock for me. I felt very alone in my thoughts while sitting on the pier and wished that Kitten was there with me to help me feel less alone and also so that I could share that bit of me with her.

After folks finished playing in the water, we found a local pizza place to have dinner. Had Teriyaki Chicken and Garlic Chicken pizza, then wandered back to Portland. For our final stop on our Magnificent Journey, we went to Voodoo Doughnuts, known for their Maple Bacon doughnuts, among other specialties.

Sunday



At Oh-Gods-30 in the morning, Posi and I woke up and got ready for our respective flights. I returned the car to Hertz, then we both went through security and had breakfast at a German restaurant in the airport.

So, remember me mentioning Voodoo? That damned pink box led to hilarity off and on throughout the day as I traveled from Portland to Kansas City to Chicago. Suffice to say that I was glad to get back to River and stow the box securely in my back seat. I was genuinely concerned multiple times that folks would tackle me for the box. x_x

Once in the car, I hurtled down the interstate back to DeKalb. I went to the monthly munch and was met by Kitten, though I was exhausted and ended up leaving shortly after she arrived. Once Kitten and I both got home, there was lots of snuggling and snoring.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Overall, I had a really good time on my trip. I do wish I had had the extra couple days to hang out more with Brina, Mana, and the new friends I met, as well as had more time to explore Portland (and even get up to Renton to meet Kace and Flaer). However, I know I'll be back there again sometime in the future, so I know I'll get my chance.

Coming back, I realized that I had healed a lot more during the trip, even with stumbling a bit during the conversation with Eria. I feel more like Tiger, full of quiet confidence and grace. I'm hoping this trend continues.

For now, though, I need to sleep so I can haul in on the bike tomorrow.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Transition and General Health

Today, I started dialogue with my Primary Care Physician about transitioning and taking testosterone. I provided her the Informed Consent Standards of Care (which were linked to me by Jay, another local transguy I've known for several years). What she has told me is that she's going to talk to the hospital lead about it to see if I can have that aspect of my care provided by her office, as well as find out how to proceed.

I was very happy to hear that her office does prescribe T in the form of  gel, so I may be able to get around injecting. This is important to me because, despite being diabetic, I hate needles. It's doubly important to me that she is the one I work with because of aforementioned diabetes. And high blood pressure.
 

Run

I have very mixed feelings about this song. Well, the one that Matt Nathanson and Jennifer Nettles perform, anyways (Snow Patrol's "Run" is a solid "I like it") . I love the music and the way that their voices mesh seamlessly. However, I don't particularly care for the lyrics. Depending on how you interpret the lyrics, it could mean that the relationship is either: a) a result of infidelity, or b) just simply unhealthy.

Still, it's a song that I like and that's associated with someone. Multiple someones, actually, if I think about its varying interpretations.

Anyways, here's the song. . .

. . . And Lyrics:
"Run" - Matt Nathanson feat. Sugarland

[Verse 1 (Matt):]
I wanna watch you undress
I wanna watch you glow
Let your hair down
All around, cover us both
You come in a wave
We crash and we roll
You surround me, pull me, drown me, swallow me whole

[Chorus (Both):]
You turn, turn, turn, turning me on

Like a slow fire burn 

Know that it's wrong

Still I run, run, run, run right into you

Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you

[Verse 2 (Jennifer):]
You pull me in close

You buckle my knees

I shake and I shiver just to feel you breathe

You trace my lines


(You trace your lines)

Stirring my soul

Shoot sparks at the heart of the world and I watch it explode
 (I watch you, I watch you)

[Chorus (Both):]
You turn, turn, turn, turning me on

Like a slow fire burn 

Know that it's wrong

Still I run, run, run, run right into you

Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you

[Hook:]
[Matt]
I’m amazing when you’re beside me
I am so much more

[Jennifer]
And I feel your fingers
Pound like thunder
I am so much more

[Matt]
So much more

[Chorus (Both):]
Turn, turn, turn, turning me on

Like a slow fire burn 

Know that it's wrong

Still I run, run, run, run right into you

Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you

Turn, turn, turn, turning me on

Like a slow fire burn 

Know that it's wrong

Still I run, run, run, run right into you

Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you
Still I run, run, run, run right back to you

[Jennifer]
Turning me on

[Matt]
Like a slow fire burn

Dare I say it, but I am completely happy right now.

- My car refinance loan got approved. That's nearly $100/month I can put towards other things.
- My car insurance dropped by roughly $20/month (I make 4 payments and have 2 months without every 6 months).
- Britt and I saw a place this morning that we both like. It's close to her job and close to the interstate for me. We're going to our lender's office tomorrow to get the pre-approval letter. Hoping to close the last week of July. This may mean that camping may not happen for us, but we'll go to Faire and meet with folks on Sunday.
- My credit rating dropped all of 1 point over the past 2 months. This makes me incredibly happy. Actually, it dropped, then came back up. Still. Not much changed. =D
- Saw Sugarland in concert on Saturday with Britt and her mom. Loved the energy of the concert. No malice whatsoever and I pretty much danced the entire time. Was up until 2:30am, though, between IHop with Britt and her mom and prepping for Pride. Also, pretty much all of the songs I voted for got played at the concert. They even played "Run", which is a Matt Nathanson duet with Jennifer Nettles.
- Went to the Pride parade on Sunday. I still hate drunks. Loud drunks make me a cranky tiger. Had a really good time going with Erik and one of his minions, though. And we even got to see Nina before we left town! =D
- I got to see Nina. She's one of my best friends, and for good reason. Many months may go by between us talking, but we always pick up where we left off without missing a beat. And she's part of my friend-family. ^_^
- Erik still manages to amaze and impress me. He's got this unflappable confidence that he plays down in a very cat-like "I meant to do that" manner that is charming. I also really like when I get to hear snippets about his Life, family, and things that interest him. He's incredibly knowledgeable about a variety of things that I'm not, so I enjoy listening to him.

So, yes. Happy Tiger is happy. <3

In the rare moments when I get to drive with the window down on a 75-degree night and the sky is clear of clouds and full of stars, I feel more myself. I am very much a child of the night sky and the wonder that the stars hold.

I saw two shooting stars tonight on the way home, and made a wish on each. We'll see if my wishes come true...

In the old days before I had a 40+ hour per week job and I had my afternoons free, on days like today, I would grab my wallet and a water bottle, make sure my tires were properly inflated, and ride until I couldn't pedal anymore. It was my time to be. To hash out my thoughts and feelings and sort things accordingly. I have a bike and a motorcycle, but I'm locked into the rat race of work-sleep-work with little quality time to myself.

I used to be a lot more brash and ballsy. I used to write, draw, and sing freely. And then I became integrated into Corporate America. My energy became redirected.

This weighs heavily on my mind today. The easy answer is that I need a vacation. In a few short weeks, I'll be on a plane to Portland, Oregon for a few days. It's going to be a hectic weekend between meeting long-time online friends in person, going to a concert for a band I've been a fan of for several years, and calling my element, Fire, in my best friend/sister's handfasting. But I'm flying. And going back out West. Not to California, where I'm originally from, but out West nonetheless. And I get to drive through the mountains. <3

I'm also jonesing for travel to the South. I miss lots of people from Huntsville and Atlanta. I do get to see many of them during Labor Day weekend at MFM, but still.

I've been in a lull since Sunday/Monday and it's irritating me. My normal coping mechanisms aren't working as well and, well, I just wanna go and explore. My wanderlust is kicking in hardcore.

And the large gaggle of geese crossing my lanes right now is making me smile, at least a little bit. Last night, it was the mother duck and her ducklings that made me smile as they waddled across the lanes.

Many Things Make A Post

- I realized this morning that I'm being asked to do some of the projects I've done to test and/or develop me further.
- I was told by our 2nd Shift Operations Manager that when he runs his leadership workshop later this week that he wants me to be part of it. This makes me happy.
- In 11 days, I'm going for my LPQ. I suppose I should work on my notes and take the final exam, shouldn't I? ;-P
- Waystation is slowly getting off the ground. After the LPQ is done, I need to start hardcore working on the website and getting it revamped. Also, I need to start reaching out to artists for art for the con. I know at some point or another, I'd love to commission someone for a picture of the staff in our storyline roles.

~ ~ ~

Many things swirl through my brain when I'm driving. It's the best time for me to reflect and ponder. And then this song came on the radio. I don't know why, but I pulled the lyrics up on Soundhound and paid attention to them.

"Glass"

Trying to live and love,
With a heart that can't be broken,
Is like trying to see the light with eyes that can't be opened.
Yeah, we both carry baggage,
We picked up on our way, so if you love me do it gently,
And I will do the same.

We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
Cause we are glass.

I'll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks,
And in the darkness of this moment,
You see the good and bad.
But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths,
But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.

We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.

We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake,
We might burn like gasoline and fire,
It's a chance we'll have to take.

We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
And we are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We are glass. 

The past few days have left me incredibly sore and tired, but they were mostly worth it.


Friday: Rode the motorcycle to work. All 150 miles of that roundtrip commute. I would say "never again", but I know that's bullshit. ;) I didn't spill the bike (yay!), though I did have a close call where I fishtailed as I came off of I-80 at Briggs St. Still, I kept the bike upright. Kinda proud of that. Did I also mention that this was my first substantial ride? Yeah. Go big or go home. Or something. It was kinda scary riding the bike home the 75 miles at night. Many of the truck drivers were pretty cool and went around me and such, but still. My depth perception at night sucks, so I ran with brights on most of the way home. It also didn't help that half of my ride was back country roads.

Saturday: Drove to downtown Chicago to browse the IML Marketplace with Tybis, Posi, and several other friends. I haven't been to a con since MFF last November, and I loved the atmosphere. There was no malice whatsoever and if there was drama, I didn't notice it. I'm incredibly sore today (Sunday) because of the walking around Chicago, plus the soreness from riding the bike on Friday. But about IML. IML made me want to get involved in the local kink/leather community again. I think I may offer a fire cupping class after the next munch. Maybe run the munch from 7-9, then do the demo from 9:30 to 10:30 or 11. I've been doing cupping long enough that I feel comfortable instructing others in how to do it. It would also give me a damn good reason to clean the apartment to "party ready" again. xD

Sunday: Today is the 4th anniversary of my best friend's death. I'm planning on finding a park and taking the incense her mother gave me that she owned and lighting a stick and meditating. This is my small way of remembering her. I miss Kristina terribly and she was one of my biggest supporters when times were rough. I wish I could have been there as much for her as she was for me. I still remember getting the call from Derek at work and the subsequent breakdown I had in Chris's office though I tried to soldier through it.

It also sounds like I'm going to be riding down to Starved Rock State Park to hang out with some friends/co-workers today. It also means I get to do my meditation... Which means I should probably see about getting clothes on.

Last night, I corrected one of the coaches at work who was using the wrong pronouns with me in front of associates. I asked her nicely to use the correct pronouns and she sincerely told me she couldn't. She did, however, say that she would use my name. I suppose I should be grateful that she'll at least meet me halfway, but it cut me to the quick. It hurt to be blatantly told by someone I work with that they don't respect me enough to use the proper pronouns.

I talked to C1 (my manager) because he called to ask me about something, and he told me that I needed to stop correcting people. I don't correct them that often. It's mainly he and the folks up front that I end up correcting, anyways. I reminded J1 (one of the coaches) and he's been good about it since. C2 (another one of the coaches) uses the right pronouns with me, too. R doesn't, and I've been meaning to remind him, as well. I've got the professional relationship with him that I feel I can, even though R is a manager. I think what galled me is that C1 said that I need to stop correcting people because I'm not legally male yet. And, to be honest, I kind of wanted to reach through the phone and slap him for the comment. I will not go stealth at work just because it makes people uncomfortable. I am the same person that they can come to for information or projects.

On the flip side to this, C3 (our former GM) used proper pronouns about me with C1. Someone -- I'm guessing HR -- gave C3 a heads up, which I'm grateful for. I'm even more grateful that I'm respected enough by those outside of my building that they would comply with my request.

I suppose this is something I'll have to get used to, though. It just makes me wish that the suburban support group wasn't being held on a Tuesday. I may reach out to folks regardless to network and get information. And will definitely need to reach out to my "sister" Sabrina to see how she handled coming out at work.

I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed or something today. Pretty much all day at work, I've been a giant ball of cranky. Part of it, I know, is blood sugar-induced cranky. Part of it isn't, though. I'm looking at a 11+ hour day right now, which leaves me feeling angry and annoyed. I'm also extremely angry about the fact that I have once again had to swoop in and be the underdog to ensure things run smoothly. Nevermind that I have MY OWN DAMN PROJECT to worry about.

Oh, and I'm on lunch right now, which is why I'm on here. I'm just fed up and done. I have lots of spray painting left to do before I'm done tonight, lending to me being even crankier. I'm turning a deaf ear to my phone on Friday, though, and enjoying a well-deserved day off with Kitten.

The "Man Card"

Something that my co-worker T has bantered about me with since I came out as trans is my "man card", in which I behave like a typical male. And I finally realized this morning that's what is partially grating on me about him. He's a stereotypical misogynistic cisgendered male, like many of the men in my warehouse. He views women as bodies rather than people and daydreams about getting "the cute ones" in bed. He criticizes my choices in fashion (nevermind that I have long-held a masculine style of dress). And, me being who I am, it pisses me off.

I think what pisses me off even further is the concept that as a man, I need to just "take it" and let the other person admit their mistake. Sorry, but in my book, that's being a pushover and a doormat regardless of where you fall on the gender spectrum. So, I stood my ground and got called a pussy because of it. Since when does standing my ground make me weak? Last I knew, it was a strength to be valued.

Also, the simple fact that I try to treat everyone with respect means that I'm more of a man than he could ever hope to be.

I have been mulling over the past few hours how to start this post. The past few days, more or less going on a week, have consisted of me pondering between downtime at work (of which I have had plenty of this week) and my commute between work and home the subtle clues that have led me to now, where I have slowly been coming to terms with and embracing my identity not as a quirky genderqueer-identified female, but as a confident Female to Male transgendered individual.

I'm far from being out to family. In fact, to be honest, the first person I tell family-wise will probably be the cousin who has been the most vocally supportive of me, particularly in recent times. But I will get to my plan of attack later. Right now, I'm sitting here pretty amused that I can trace identifiable behavior patterns back to the point I started watching MMPR and wanted to be the Green Dragon/White Tiger Ranger. xD So, roughly 10-11 years old. Or thereabouts.

I had the standard Black upbringing - homosexuality is a sin and gender stereotypes are pounded into one's head - that was made worse when I came out as a lesbian. Technically, I described pansexuality to my mother when I came out, but still. I passionately argued my case for wanting to wear a tux to prom (and still was made to wear a dress, which I still have). And then NIU happened. NIU brought some amazing discoveries of self even though now I'm bearing the financial repercussions. I wouldn't change any of it, though. Not for the lessons I've learned and the people I've met and networked with over the years.

NIU. My Freshman year at NIU, I got heavily involved with Prism, the LGBT organization on campus. And somehow got persuaded/asked to be the Homecoming Drag King. And I loved it. I learned how to bind, albeit with vet wrap, but still. Sometime during that year, I also started researching various packing devices. I was allowed to explore my gender identity and sexual orientation freely since I didn't have prying eyes, and I did. Well, the best I could at a university, anyways.

Fast forward to 2007. I met Sabrina. At first, I was very interested in her romantically, but that soon fizzled out and we became very good friends. At this point, I consider 'Brina my sister, and when I mention my family, I have to specify which type I mean -- blood, or friend-family. Brina moved in with me at the apartment in Elgin in 2009. What this meant is that I pretty much watched her transition from its start to where she is now.

What this also meant is that I took a closer look at my own gender identity. Brina and I have had countless discussions about gender, sex, and everything in the lexicon between. Brina arguably knows me better than most people do. When I say she is my sister, I mean it. She's someone I would step up to defend in a heartbeat, but who I would also clue-by-four when she needs it. We're a bluntly honest couple of folks. And she was also the best roommate to date who I wasn't romantically involved with.

In 2010, I purchased my first binder. I started off wearing it intermittently because I wanted to test the waters, but now I wear it on a daily basis.

Roughly a month ago, I had my mental breakdown due to unrelated causes, and I sat and figured, you know what, I've gotta rebuild myself after this, anyways. Why not just start from the ground up and start over? And that's what I'm doing. After multiple days of contemplation, I decided to meet with my HR manager and begin the process of transitioning at work. Out in the "Real World", I pass as male without really trying and I've used male pronouns (at least in the BDSM world) for the previous couple of years, so why not?

For a while, the character of Samii Tiger was able to shift gender and shape to reflect me being first genderfluid, then genderqueer. It eventually got to the point that I shifted solely to being "male" as that character and it was comfortable.

So, yeah. This is where I'm at currently:
- I'm from California originally, so I'll be poking at Fyremane at some point to ask her about what I need to do to get my birth certificate changed out there (she's native to Cali, too), and I suspect that the IL Driver's License won't be much of an issue.

- I have yet to come out to my family. I figure that I'll start with my dad's side since they don't have a whole lot of contact with me. I won't say it's "not a big loss" if they stop talking to me because, even though I've never met half of my siblings, they're still my family and the thought of losing them or their support hurts.

- I will not be changing my legal name. For the longest time, I've refrained from using my full middle name on any legal documents and I will continue to do that. I was given my middle name in honor of my grandmother, and I will keep it for that reason. My grandmother was a fantastic artist and a spit fire, and I got some of that personality. My legal first name just fits me too well and I identify with it; I'm just lucky that my mother unknowingly gave me an androgynous name. xD

- Hormones. I'm in the process of doing Insurance Open Enrollment for work. You can bet that I'm moving up to a better grade of insurance, especially since I'll be working with my doctor closely on figuring out where my testosterone levels are at currently and what-not, especially since there may be complications with me taking any hormonal supplements/replacements in conjunction with some of my existing medication. We shall see.

- Surgery. Is at a maybe. Right now, I can bind sufficiently to pass as male, and I look hella good when I do it. I'm also reluctant to do a surgery that is purely for cosmetic purposes.

- Body image. I'm relatively okay where I'm at. I could stand to lose some of my pudge, but as far as physical dysphoria goes, it's at a minimum. Gotta say, though, that it would be nice to not worry about the social taboo of having female breasts exposed, though. Ah, well.

~ ~ ~

For me, it's off to the shower so I can get ready for my day. I found out some news this morning that still has me a bit sad, but I know my friend is doing the best thing for her family. I do love that no matter how long it is between when we talk, my friend and I always pick up where we left off. I suspect that whenever it is that our paths cross again, it'll be the same.

Saturday was a damn good day overall. It kinda rippled towards the end of the night, but it still ended up being a good day.

- Slept in. Ah, glorious sleep!
- Went to AmSci to meet up with Tybis and Posi.
- En route to AmSci, I got a text from Erik asking me where I was. He and the minions were nearby, so they joined us for a bit.
-- Cue me grinning from ear to ear like a damn fool. I hadn't expected to see Erik and his minions, so it was a very pleasant surprise, especially since I originally wasn't going to go out to AmSci.
- Came back to DeKalb and did food with Tybis and Posi.
- Saw The Avengers with Kitten and Mama!Kitten. We all thoroughly enjoyed the movie despite being surrounded by talkers above us and silent movie watchers below us. Still, lots of action and really enjoyed the film. =D
- Ended up coming back home with Kitten and snuggling up with her and picking out a gift for her mom. My mom's going to get a plant when I go down to Kankakee since she likes plants.

~ ~ ~

Today. Sunday. It's currently storming and I've got the windows in my apartment open to let in some of the air. In a few moments, I'm probably going to start making breakfast for Kitten and I. She said she wanted to start eating breakfast again, so I'm gonna encourage this. I had planned on taking my LPQ Final Exam today, but I forgot to e-mail myself the study notes, so I'll plan on taking it later this week.

I'm gonna start meal planning for myself, too, so I can start getting back on track for losing weight and such. Need B-vitamins and Choline, too, to help with my headspace.

There are so many projects I want to work on, too, this summer.

One could say that I "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" yesterday. I was a ball of cranky most of the day due to a combination of factors. And to top things off, I realized at the end of the night that I was so engrossed in what I was doing that I forgot to take a lunch. The OT will be nice, though.

I'm debating if I want to take my co-worker T's hours on Saturday, though. It's a 6-hour shift that I could use to catch up on my non-associate driven audits and then sleep in on Sunday. We'll see. I'm a little cranky that he wants out early on Friday to mitigate his OT, though, and I might refuse his hours on Saturday. We'll see how I feel later this week. I'm still feeling abused and taken advantage of at this point.

The thing is, I shouldn't have been nearly as cranky yesterday as I was. I got plenty of sleep on Sunday night, had a good day out with Erik and the minions, and spent some quality time with Kitten. Ah, well.

May 18th needs to get here. I could use the day off from work, even if it'll still have me running around like crazy.

~ ~ ~

The day I fly into Portland, I'm seeing Abney Park in concert. For real. I'm positively buzzing in delight at this.

My Magick is starting to come back to me. This thrills me on many levels because I am a Fire elemental.

Planning is good, doing is better.

- I rocked out my interview on Tuesday.
- I rocked out my interview outfit and raised the bar for everyone else.
- I got an "attaboy" in my e-mail this morning from my Director for a project I completed.

...I don't know if I'll get the CiT position because of my past and the bias towards me at work, but even if I don't, things are working for me and I'm being "groomed" for a position as an auditor or at Corporate.

~ ~ ~

I'm a contented jumble of happy Tiger right now. To add to my good day at work, E is incredibly good, whether or not he realizes it, at doing small little things that make me smile and get warm fuzzies.

I have my interview for Coach (Supervisor) in Training on Tuesday afternoon. I told both Kitten and E about it and they both told me good luck. Knowing that I have two really fantastic partners who support me in this is an amazing boost to my self-confidence.

Kitten is looking to go for Manager in Training later this year at her job, as well. E's set to sit for his EMT-B in another month or so, so I've got my fingers and toes crossed for him, as well. I know he'll pass, but a bit of positive energy never hurt anyone, either.

~ ~ ~

Kitten and I decided to look for condos instead of looking for a house. It will be considerably easier to find a condo that fits our budget than a house, so that's what we're running with. I think next week will be the "official" start of the housing hunt. We've already started talking to a mortgage lender in town, so we know how much we can play with. Our target area is Aurora/Naperville/Plainfield, so both of us can be reasonably close to work, plus this puts us less far away from E and our friends than if we had ended up in Joliet/New Lenox/Lockport. I am okay with this for many reasons.

"It is only by following your deepest instinct that you can lead a rich life, and if you let your fear of consequence prevent you from following your deepest instinct, then your life will be safe, expedient, and thin."

- Katherine Butler Hathaway

. . . Sometimes, I find things tucked away in my LJ right when I need them. This quotation is from nearly 3 years ago and it applies even more now. I think too much and miss out on even more simply because I'm so worried about the "what ifs". I need to change this about me and right now is the perfect time since I have to rebuild myself again.

. . . I know what my instincts say and they generally aren't wrong. I just need to listen to them more. I'm supposed to be Tiger, after all.

More importantly, those feelings of failure and inadequacy that I have need to go away. I am good at being who I am and doing what I do and should not compare myself to others. I also need to accept failure as something that happens in various circumstances. It simply means I have more growing and learning to do, not that I'm terrible at something.

Today (Sunday), I visited E's church for their service. This is notable for me. I haven't willingly gone to a church service in over a decade.

I left the Baptist church when I was 12-13 years old. I dropped out of choir and stopped going to services when I realized the hipocrasy of things that were being spouted at me. I was galled that a Preacher, an ordained Man of God, was telling me that honesty and fidelity were important only to find out that he was having an affair.  I questioned Christianity and started researching Wicca and Paganism. Mom had a shit-fit when she went looking through my belongings and found a book by Wiccan author Silver Ravenwolf. To Ride A Silver Broomstick, if I recall. Anyways, she and I butted heads about religion, which only sealed my opinion further.

I dabbled in Shamanism for 4-5 years and recently settled on just being tied to the elements. My personal belief system is similar to that of a Shaman, but I don't follow that exact path anymore. To give a brief explanation, I believe there is a Creator and that Creator has a committee composed of the Elements and the Fates that help them keep balance in Life. Humans are plopped on a sliding scale of Positive and Negative rather than good or bad. When we're born, we start at 0 - Neutral - but events in our lives and our upbringing shifts that one way or the other. I believe heavily in Karma and the concept of Paying it Forward. I don't need to subscribe to a specific doctrine to know that this is what's right for me; in fact, I detest organized religion.

Which is why going to church with E today was notable. For the most part, I enjoyed the service. I loved that there was a lot of music, both hymn and instrumental, and that all of the hymns sung by the congregation were promoting the concept of "Be awesome to each other and the environment". I even dug the fact that they had an organization that they did an offering for in addition to just one for the church. The church itself is open and accepting of all benevolent ideologies, which I grok. The one thing that made me wince is the concept of God. See above paragraph. I simply don't subscribe to the concept of one solo entity being in charge of everything. But that's my opinion and I do realize that my mileage may vary. Still, while it's highly unlikely that I'll become a full-blown member of E's church, visiting was a pleasant enough experience that I would go again if invited.

~ ~ ~

The whole reason I ended up at church with him to begin with is because we were going to go to the Barn Dance today at Fermi Lab, but didn't quite get there. After the service, there was a LGBT organization planning meeting that he wanted to attend, so we did. The meeting ran until just after 2pm, which is when the dance started. Instead, we wandered AmSci, then went back to his apartment (with me falling asleep in the car on the way back) and watched most of the first season of The Walking Dead. I'm not as hooked as Mestopho is, but it was good to watch and the zombies are hella cool to look at. I made it back to DeKalb roughly an hour ago and am now contemplating sleep soon.

Step by step, things are happening in Life that are making it interesting.

- After having a mental breakdown almost two weeks ago, I'm rebuilding walls that I need and trying to reincorporate friendships and relationships in a much more healthy way for me.

- My father was sent to the hospital last week for having excess fluid in his body. Several liters were drained and tests were run on him. Congestive heart failure, which means that I need to start squirreling away money for a trip to Alabama sometime in the future. I. . . honestly don't know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I know Dad's basically one foot in the grave. On the other, Dad hasn't been there for me at all and I still have a great deal of resentment for him for that, even if I'm okay with him in general.

- I tossed my hat in the ring for the Coach (Supervisor) in Training position at work. The interview will likely be later this week. I don't expect to get the position, but I'm certainly going to give it my all anyways. ^_^

- I made Alligators with one of E's minions on Saturday. They're time-intensive to make, but pretty fantastic all the same. I'm stupid!happy with the fact that I learned how to make something that I grew up with. And what's even more amazing is that I made homemade almond paste to go in them. Murr.

- I had the first of many meetings with our 2nd shift Operations Manager last night. These meetings will be geared towards me learning about how our operation runs and getting me more integrated in the logistics component of our facility, making me more valuable not just to my current company but to other companies down the line.
-- Related to this, he also gave me a challenge. He knows I have a lot of energy and drive to change things for the better, but, sometimes, that can brush people the wrong way, as it has in the past. His challenge to me was to take things slow and do things on a small scale; get down on a personal level with individuals or small groups and win them over that way.

~ ~ ~

I'm supposed to be attending a Family Reunion planning meeting Sunday evening. The more I think about it, the more I want to skip it. Sure, I want to help plan it, but I'm two hours away, plus Mom's going to be in Canada that weekend, so I won't have anywhere to stay at, anyways. There's also the very selfish reason that I'm spending part of the weekend with E because I don't get to see him that often. =3

I'll end up doing research on some options for various trips, one being St. Louis. Thankfully, I already have a hotel contact down there. Other options are Ypsilanti/Ann Arbor/Detroit, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis, Nashville, or the Dells. Hell, I may even find out information for Washington, D.C., New York City, or Orlando, FL. Just as ideas. xD

Kestra'chern

A Kestra'chern always provides what you need, not necessarily what you want. Sometimes, the two run atwixt.

But what is a Kestra'chern? In the most simple terms, they are healers. When I say healer, though, I don't mean in the way that doctors heal physical afflictions. Kestra'chern certainly can provide aid in that manner, but it goes deeper than that. The term comes originally from Mercedes Lackey's novel The Black Gryphon. Amberdrake, one of the main characters in the book, is a Kestra'chern, a type of healer that specializes more in healing the metaphysical heart and soul than the physical body. There are actual healers in the world of the novel that serve as a type of doctor.

How this specifically applies to me is that people (not all, but many) will open up to me fairly easily because they know they can trust me. I detest spreading gossip and, typically, if someone tells me something, I'm not going to repeat it unless another person needs to know about it to prevent a malicious occurrence. I'm bluntly honest; I have no problem telling someone exactly what I observe and what my opinions are. I detest sugar-coating topics. If I think you're a tool, I'm going to tell you you're a tool and why I think that.

The counterpoint to being this confidant persona is that because I'm so busy being strong for others, a lot of times, my own needs to vent and be healed get pushed to the side. And they build up until I break.

I started writing this post a few weeks ago, before I had my breakdown last Monday, and find it still applies. I've also been surprised by the fact that I've had several people tell me that, despite the fact that I'm currently sitting with all of my old wounds exposed, I am still one of the strongest people they know. I have also been reminded by someone very dear to me that I need to stop thinking so much and just do; my friends and chosen family won't walk away from me when I need them.

I don't ever think I'll not be a Kestra'chern. There are aspects of being a healer-type that are ingrained into my personality, but I will be taking a lot more time for myself to ensure I keep my balance.

Move Along

"Move Along" - The All-American Rejects

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your

Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

(Speak to me)
When all you gotta keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know ya do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong
We move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong
we move along (along)
Along (along)
Along (along)
Along

When all you gotta keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through (just to make it through)

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do (I know you do)
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)

Right back what is wrong
We move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

~ ~ ~

It's been a while since I posted lyrics. Have a song that helps me when I feel caught up in Life's challenges.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not always the bouncy, happy (sometimes annoyingly so ;-P) Tiger that everyone knows me as. I have days where my doubts come in and smack me upside the head and make me want to run away from everyone and everything. Monday was one of those such days.

I'm still feeling more than a little broken and sore, but I'm alive and still in the rat race. I know there are others out there worse off than myself, but I also know better than to invalidate my own emotions. A good chunk of the emotions have been working themselves out, but there's still bits and pieces (namely those where I feel like my chibi Tiger cub self are going "hey, don't forget about me over here") that I'm still working to squash out. It's not entirely easy. And some of that squashing hurts. All I ask is for a bit of patience and the occasional reminder that I'm not being forgotten.

I'm alive. Just very busy.

In fact, I'm walking out the door momentarily after tossing some clothes in an overnight bag since I'm heading down to Kankakee tonight after work.

By all rights and means, the party on Friday night was successful. Low key, lots of fun with lots of awesome people. Arguably, though, my favorite part of the night was having a very sleepy E and a very content Kitten both curl up with me on the couch and use my shoulders as pillows. I love both people very much.

Towards the end of last night, I hit a mental wall because I was so tired. It was a good day. Busy, but good.

Six Words from KiwiHunter on LJ + Dad + Trans (Or, 8 Things Make A Post)

I snagged six words to write about from kiwihunter8. Want your own words? Leave me a comment to let me know. My words:
Technology
Disney movies
Falafel
Soft fabrics
Jello
Blacksmithing

Technology
Oh, Technology. From a young age, I've been inclined towards tech. I've always lusted after the newest and best tech, even though my wallet says I can only afford something that's a version or two "out of date". I've also got a "Talent" for fixing machines. From the school computers to the POS systems at work to security systems, I am geek and I fix things. Working on tech challenges me to use all of my problem solving and critical thinking skills, and it's just plain fun.

Disney Movies
Generally, I like them. There's not too much to say here, honestly. My favorite growing up was The Little Mermaid, though I've grown out of it. Not sure what my favorite movie is at this point. Since Pixar movies now count, too, since it's Disney-Pixar, I'd argue that It's a tie between Wall-E and Mulan.

Falafel
Oh, tasty orbs of Middle Eastern grainy goodness. I tried them for the first time a couple of years ago at a small Middle Eastern fast food restaurant that's on Rt. 59 near Bartlett. Since then, I've loved them. Crunchy, creamy (if they're made right) on the inside with a buttery, slightly sweet flavor from the chickpeas. Nom! More recently, since I've moved back to DeKalb, I've made a special treat out of going to Pita Pete's for a Falafel Pita. Tzatziki, lots of romaine lettuce, corn, Feta or Cheddar cheese, red onion, olive, mushroom, and a healthy amount of both mayo and honey mustard. For me, delicious foodgasm. <3

Soft Fabrics
Also known as "pet me" fabrics. I must say, I love the feel of stretchy silk. I own a couple of nice boxers made of these (usually reserved for "I'm feeling sexy" days) and they make me purr. Also included in this category is soft, pliant, sometimes sueded leather. Suede does not always make it soft. What makes leather soft is how pliable it is.

Jello
They say that "everyone loves Jello". Not so much for big stripey cats. Jello makes me think of geriatric residences and hospitals, honestly. It can be really good if it's made right, but most times, I honestly avoid it unless I make it. Mandarin oranges in it are tasty, though. =3

Blacksmithing
Chalk this up as one of those things that I would really love to do, but lack the financial resources to do anything with. Whenever I go to Bristol Renaissance Faire, I always drool over the Blacksmith and the Forge. Not because of the Blacksmith himself, but because of the craft. It combines two things that I lean towards naturally: fire and steel. Suffice to say that I have an appreciation for the craft.

~ ~ ~

Dad
This morning, I woke up to an e-mail and writing on my FaceBook wall from my dad. He wished me a happy birthday. The fact that he not only wrote on FaceBook, but also e-mailed me means he really wanted to make sure I got the message. He's trying to repair things. Nevermind that he's two days early. He put forth the effort to make sure I got a message in two venues. For all of the issues I have with him not being there for me, my siblings, and our mothers while we were growing up, this makes me smile a little.

Would I run into his arms if I saw him again? Not likely. I mean, the last time I physically saw him was the first time I went to RCFM, in 2006. I stayed at a hotel in Bessemer when I went for my interview in 2009 and didn't tell him I was there.

But I still have to give the man credit for trying to be involved, at least a little bit, in my life these days. Hell, I have siblings I've never met yet, though we all keep in contact via FaceBook. My sisters are all strong, beautiful women, and my brother is a strong and handsome man. I'll be honest in that I feel like the ugly duckling among them, mostly because I'm still maturing into the handsome swan I'm meant to be.

Trans
Now, you may be wondering "why is that crazy cat bringing up the term 'transgendered'?" For the past several years, I haven't quite embraced the term and role for "female". Senior year of high school (and probably a little bit before then), I started rethinking my image of self. At first, I embraced my sexuality -- women were more my cup of tea. The summer between graduation and going to NIU, I started looking up how to pack and bind. Kankakee is not the place to reinvent yourself because of the town's conservative nature; less so if you and your family are well-known. Freshman year at NIU, I performed in drag for the first time. I looked good as a boy. That was also the first time in my Life I had met anyone who was transgender and was explained the concept.

Off and on the past few years, I've been toying with the concept of male!Samii. A few years back, I built it into Samii's persona that he could shape-and-gender-shift to fit my own sliding image. More and more, as I became more accepting of my duality and the slow shift into male headspace, Samii turned from sleek and sexy Tigress to lithe and handsome Tiger. At this point, I get most if, not all, of my artwork done of male!Samii because I view myself as this ball of masculine Tiger. This is important because Samii has evolved with me, his steps matching my own, even though the character is 10 years older than me. So, the past few months, I've been muddling through my brain, talking with several friends and playfulkitten89.

What we figured out is that I'm non-Op FtM. Why non-Op? One simple reason: Why fix what isn't physically broken? I have enough natural testosterone floating through my body at the moment that I don't see the need to take supplemental. I've long joked that my body is built like a boy's, too (I'm big-boned, tall, and my weight shifts like theirs). I bind most days, pack occasionally, and it makes me smile when I get addressed with male pronouns. I haven't crossed the Bathroom Bridge, and I'm not quite sure how to navigate that one as well as with work proper and family. Work's got single stall ones in the office area, so a lot of times, I'll migrate there. And I got sidetracked. I'm non-Op because I have no desire to change my body and I have a strict personal policy on not going for surgery unless it's to save my life. That's literally the only reason I would go under the knife. I've avoided it thus far. No broken bones or anything. I also don't know what I'm going to do yet about my ID and birth cert. Probably not anything until Mom's passed away, honestly. But that may change after I have a very frank discussion with her about wanting to ID male full time. We shall see.

I don't mean to invalidate anyone else's experience or words, as there have been others that have had things much harder than I have or ever will, but this is me.

I quipped on FaceBook last night about becoming proficient in writing up accident paperwork. Sad and scary as it is, it's true. Where I once floundered over how to do them and such, not so much now. I personally give the associates an explanation of our process before we go through it so they know what to expect. It's what I expect, so I try and do that for them. How they respond to it is different for every associate, but at least I'm giving them an honest answer. I don't know what level of corrective action will occur, as that's determined during the Safety Incident Review, but I do try to ease their mind about it. Mostly, I just tell them to be honest and open about the incident.

What brought this on is that I wrote up paperwork for a near miss last night that, had the associate impacted not ducked when they did, I would have been calling the New Lenox EMS team in addition to doing everything else. I need to check in with the associate tonight, too, to see how they are. The incident dropped me back into Supervisor/First Responder headspace, which I haven't been in in too long. Calm, compassionate, and rational.

I can't remember what happened last year, but my first year at New Lenox, I called the ambulance for an associate on my birthday proper. This year, it was a near miss that almost injured an associate two days before my birthday vacation... And looked back. Nothing at work, but my birthday proper was nothing less than entertaining (not entirely in a good way) last year. Yeah.

Sometimes, Tigers need a clue-by-four to remind them to stay balanced.

I have this terrible habit of becoming married to my job and placing my relationships second, even when I'm living with a partner. This becomes further complicated when my romantic interests are at a number that is greater than one. Kitten and I watched "Eat Pray Love" on Saturday and discussed our relationship. Recently, I've been bad about showing her affection, love, and attention just because Life (mainly work) has been getting in the way and it's been pushed to the side.

Something that's unique about Kitten and I's relationship is that she's not polyamorous, but I am. I told her that when we started dating and have reminded her of it occasionally throughout our relationship. She's not thrilled about it, but she doesn't try to change that part of me. Instead, we're talking and working through it so it's not a deal-breaker for either of us. The going is slow and tedious, but it's what's needed even though I'm far from patient.

The big crux of everything for Kitten is that she needs to be reminded that she is the top priority in my relationships, which she is. Traditionally, I eschew poly hierarchy because Emotion can't tell the difference between a primary and secondary partner (I love them both the same). Reason knows there's a hierarchy simply based on how my life intertwines with my partners. Primary partners are typically ones that you share living space, bills, and general day-to-day miasma. Secondary partners are typically ones that don't share all of the craziness of the daily household. Typically. There are always exceptions to the rule and, of course, your mileage may vary. No relationship sticks to hard and fast rules; they are ever-changing as they grow. I'm constantly learning things about my partners, which constantly change the rules.

Speaking of change, my manager, C, just recently visited a store on an Audit Day. He said that the auditor reminded him very much of me in terms of personality and mannerism. But, moreover, he gave me a new carrot to dangle in front of my muzzle when he explained the role of a Store Auditor. The current regional auditor travels between 300 stores, covering at least 2 per day and spends 3-4 hours interacting with management and associates. Now, for me, this would be good. It serves two purposes: getting me out of the dead-end track for DC LP and gets me engaged and moving again. This is fundamental to how I work. If I have a goal at work, I will work harder and smarter at everything to achieve this goal. C is arguably both my biggest supporter and my biggest critic. He is the only manager I have ever trusted enough to open up to, both personally and professionally, and he has not betrayed that trust. And I'm not gonna lie. January and February have been HARD at work. There were times I was so frustrated that I wanted to break down and cry or storm out and leave. I didn't, obviously. But, looking back, it's also very obvious that I need to re-evaluate the energy I'm expending at work. A lot of it goes unappreciated. The associates are honestly what keep me sane and coming back. Also, our HR Manager is pretty sobering. She's pretty cool about me going to her with questions about professional development.

Another point of balance is my apartment. Kitten and I hunkered down on Sunday and cleaned up most of the front room. That was causing me a great deal of grief because we had her stuff pulled out to work on and sort through, but Life kept getting in the way. Yesterday, we got 'er done. We have pictures hanging up throughout our apartment now, too, which makes me happy. Right above my desk is the picture the Harem commissioned for me at MFF. In our bedroom is one of the pictures that E did for Kitten and I (I still need to get a few more of them printed). In the living room is my 4 Tenets poster (Honesty, Integrity, Strength, Courage) and Kitten's skittle painting she got at MFF. My swords are also here finally, which provides me as a swordsman a focal point for energy.

Overall, as I approach the ripe old age of 26, I'm working on re-balancing my life so that it has room for two partners (Kitten and E), a possible advancement in my career, and time for me to run Waystation FurCon, as well as do a few other things to keep me sane (like leatherwork)! In general, though, I also recognize that I'm in a good place. Even if it's not where I want to be, it's where I need to be.

A few years back, my friend Posi and I started talking about the "what if" factor of a group of our friends moving in together on a good sized plot of land. Between that and my own bit of daydreaming about living with both of my partners, I came up with the above image in my mind and transferred it to Photoshop.

The plot of four in the center is a garden where we can grow vegetables, herbs, and fruit. Surrounding that is a gravel path that branches off to one of four houses and four corners of the property. In theory, more houses could be built on each of the four corners. The brown squares represent the four houses. Behind them are four green rectangles that are fenced in white. Those are meant to represent yards for each of the houses.

If I had my way, I would happily build this community in a forest. Then again, I also have this dream of living far enough away from society that I could fully embrace some of the more exotic interests I have, yet living close enough that I could still work and provide a comfortable lifestyle for my family.

Taking a few moments from my day to update.

- Started back taking my blood sugar and diabetes meds yesterday
- Started on the Naturally Slim diet yesterday.
- Pinged some friends who are doing the paleo diet for information. (Will likely transition to paleo at the end of Naturally Slim.)
- Started back going through my LPQ course this morning.
- I think there's a challenge between myself, Chris, and Tony to see who lands in better shape. I'm... okay with this.

It's going to be sunny and near 60 degrees today. Not quite shorts weather, but I can tell you that I'm going to spend an hour outside today doing my exterior walk in the beautiful weather. Me-yow!

Currently both laundry and dishes are humming along and I'm going to introduce Kitten to my favorite DeKalb restaurant later this morning. Nom, Pita Pete's!

Now, back to working on the LPQ! Instead of Waystation today, I'm doing leatherwork. I really want to finish my harness. =3

Waystation

I had started a post last night about the term Kestra'chern, which is something I identify with despite it being a fictional term. Instead, I want to write about Waystation FurCon, the convention that I'm the Chairperson for.

Sometime over the summer of 2011, my friend Spectrum and I were lamenting that a con that we love dearly is, for lack of a better term, failing and the leadership is resistant to change that will improve the con and bring in new membership. We both have great ideas for how to run a convention, so we get to talking about where we'd have it at and what we'd call it. St. Louis doesn't have a furry con currently, so why not form a con in the middle of the year in the middle of the country? We decided on May, regarded as the "middle of the year" in the US Furry Con circuit. It's 6 months away from MFF, the major convention for the Midwest, and doesn't land on Memorial Day weekend, which is a major holiday shared with a couple different conventions.

Waystation is one of the many things that is keeping me sane. I've realized in recent months, when I'm not working on a serious project outside of work, I spin up into a discordant tizzy and it's not good for those around me. Leading the Waystation Team is also giving me the practical knowledge I need to develop my leadership skills since my real life job isn't meeting my needs in that department. What I've realized, especially recently, is that I already have the practical knowledge to be a supervisor, imparted from my years in high school as the Student Director of our plays and musicals and my years as Rocket City FurMeet's Volunteer Coordinator. I just got the wind knocked out of my sails for a bit.

But we're steadily moving. If you've ever been around me, my motto in recent months has been "I'm in the business of making things happen". And I am. If you can get my full support behind a concept or idea, I -will- ensure that it happens somehow. That's why Waystation has most of its staff positions filled already with good people who will be an asset to the con. I just need to get everyone talking more. =P

This con will be successful. We have over a year leading up to our first event, which means we'll have the time to smooth out any bumps that may come up. I've seen what rushing can do and I refuse to see that done to Waystation.

As for why we chose "Waystation" for the name of our con, we're in the middle of the country and the middle of the year. A waystation is traditionally known as a point in a journey that you can rest and recover before continuing on your way. The idea is that Waystation will have a balance of energy and relaxation that will benefit our attendees.

A Number of Things Make a Post

Or instances (people, places, or things) that currently make Samii a very happy stripey-cat in no particular order:
- My Kittenlove
- My foxboy
- A renewed understanding between my manager and I
- The promise of considerably warmer weather later this month
- When at my foxboy's apartment, feeling very much like I can call it "home"
- Making slow, but steady progress on Kitten and I's apartment
- Solidifying plans to see my best friend and call my element (fire) during her handfasting to her wife
- Devouring a new piece of material, albeit by audiobook

Most importantly, this week has enabled me to come home with a clear mind and a renewed focus on what's important to me. In theory, this should enable me to realign myself.

On my commute in to work on Tuesday, I had the strong desire/want to grab Kitten, grab E, and go driving somewhere with both of them. Repeating the Rt. 66 drive was the top candidate on the list.  Why? Why not? I wanted to spend time with both of my partners outside of the bedroom and outside of our normal worries where there would be no competition with our schedules and we could just be. I have some of the most amazing (and silly) conversations with both Kitten and E when we're just sitting around talking (this is, in fact, I've realized, one of the many reasons I love both of them). And I wanted to show them both something that is special and unique to me, even through its normalcy in our world.

And I suppose this is where that post I was supposed to write back in October comes out. To be fair, I haven't driven the part of Route 66 that leads from Joliet to Chicago. And I started my drive in Plainfield since Rt. 59 is part of it. But once I got out on the road, the next 9 hours opened my eyes to the beauty that is rural Illinois. I started my drive at 7 or 8 in the morning. When I left town, most everything on the route was closed. I stopped and took pictures anytime I thought there was a picture worth taking. I even got lost for a few minutes in Pontiac. I stopped for a few minutes just a few hundred feet outside of the nuclear plant in Braidwood to take pictures of the site (I'm fascinated by nuclear energy and nuclear disasters -- Chernobyl is my pet subject as well as tornadoes). I stopped and talked with an older woman at the first open mini-museum I stopped at and signed my name in a guest book there. I marveled at all of the small wonders of Illinois (including a hare the size of a shih tzu). And then I got to St. Louis. The actual bridge that is part of Rt. 66 has long since been closed to motorized traffic, but I walked a good third of the way across it to take pictures of St. Louis and of Illinois from where I was standing. Satisfied in my journey, I drove across town to the Bad Dog Bar and Grill. Now, as a transmasculine dyke walking into a leather bar in St. Louis, I had no idea how I was going to be received. It was a quiet night, and some of the locals were about. I asked if an acquaintance of mine was in (he wasn't), and made small talk with the bartender and the guy who sat next to me. I ordered a burger and sweet potato fries that were out of this world and cheap. I stayed for far longer than I had planned, and I didn't want to leave. Suffice to say that I look forward to visiting them again. I drove back via I-55. That drive took me just over 4 hours and I stumbled back to bed exhausted, but fully content. I took some (to me) amazing pictures, met some pretty awesome people, and had some really tasty food. In Illinois!

So, yeah. Some summer weekend, I want to make plans with them to get up early and drive. It'll be green and beautiful again soon. Maybe we'll go in early June, when it hasn't gotten too hot yet and we can have the windows and the sunroof open?

Monday, Monday

Monday morning, I woke up and reconnected with Kitten on many levels. It's been a very long time, mostly due to stress and lack of time, that we've found time for each other to just be. There's also the fact that this past weekend was one of growth for our relationship and us as individuals, and we needed the subtle healing that time to be affords.

This was, of course, before it was time for us to get ready for work. Once I started putting on my uniform and left the house, I felt a sense of dread similar to the day after I had spent many hours fighting with both my girlfriend at the time and my boss at the time over my lack of stability and focus in both job and relationship and knew that I had failed at both. That sore and sordid tale has been told many times and doesn't need to be repeated now. Suffice to say that it was me at my most unquestionably lowest point to date.

However, the start of Monday's shift didn't have the overarching cloud of doom. I went in, grabbed my notepad (hm, I need a new one soon) and jotted down things I wanted to discuss with my manager. The balance between my job responsibilities and my projects, the frequency of my projects, the lack of direction in my projects with the exception of my ongoing one, the lack of understanding he and our Director have about how long it takes to do things, and the fact that I feel like I'm not having my needs met in line with my Individual Development Plan (IDP) goals. The discussion was productive. He agreed that we need to meet halfway to accomplish things and he needs to provide clear direction. We understand each other's perspective a lot better and I basically told him that I never want to feel like throwing my badge down and walking out like I did on Friday. I should never feel that frustrated with work.

On the other hand, what I'm not getting from work in terms of leadership development, I am getting from running Waystation FurCon. Networking, leadership, time management. The whole shebang. It should be a good experience.