There are few things more wonderful than having both of my partners try to keep me in their respective beds to snuggle with them.
I have been bubbling about this all day. I am a very lucky cat to have such wonderful people as partners. <3
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
A Journey Here, A Journey There
So, it's evidently been a few weeks since I've posted here. Life continues to be interesting for me as always. I went to Portland for my sister-from-another-mister's handfasting to her wife. Lots of crazy-awesome happened... But you can read about that below! =D
Portland!
(Written on July 12, 2012 on LiveJournal)
So, I went to Portland this past weekend for
sabrinageek's
handfasting to her wife Mana. I did a lot more in the 2 days that I was
out there than I planned to do, but I'm glad I did. I'm definitely
re-energized despite the early mornings and late nights of the trip,
though I attribute the energy to being around good friends and in a
location that makes me happy (or at least content).
Friday
I started off my journey by waking up around 0300. I showered and dressed, kissedplayfulkitten89
goodbye, and was out the door by 0330. I headed out to Midway, got
there a little after 0500 and caught the shuttle to the airport. I
checked into my flight and got through security in roughly 15 minutes.
It probably helped that I had dressed for security and didn't have to go
through a lot to go through it. My flight was at 0835, so I had roughly
3 hours to wait, so I got breakfast at Red Mango, a frozen yogurt
stand. Big freakin' parfait with granola and fresh fruit. As far as
airport food goes, that was a steal.
While I waited for my flight, I bought internet (bad idea, as every other place I used internet was either free or cheaper than what I paid), so I was able to catch up on things before I headed out.
On my flight, I sat in the window seat since I wanted to take pictures of the mountains when we got to them. Our flight had Wifi, so I was tethered there, too. Mostly, I watched our flight's progress and checked the weather. When we flew over Idaho and Washington/Oregon, I took pictures of the mountains below us. I took pictures of the Rockies, and pictures of the Washington Trio: Mt. St. Helens, Mt. Hood, and Mt. Rainier.
Once we were on the ground, our luggage was already at baggage claim, so I grabbed my bags, wished the young man sitting next to me a good trip (he was good company on the flight), and grabbed my rental car. My rental was a Toyota Corolla. Let me just say that I was thrilled with the car. Not only was it roomy enough for bothposicat and myself to be comfortable, but it also had Bluetooth tethering, so I got to listen to my music on my travels.
Once I had my car, I headed up to the Centralia Distribution Center for my tour. I thought to pack my badge with me, so I had it out and ready for display when I hit Trailer Control. When I arrived, Don, the LP Manager met me and introduced me to his on-duty team. I toured the facility with a gentleman named Tom, who I made conversation with about the differences in our buildings as we walked. Their building is built differently than ours, but also similarly. My favorite part of the excursion, admittedly, was meeting up with Don after the tour and spending a good 1.5-2 hours talking with him. When I've previously seen him, we knew we grokked one another, but sitting and just talking with him confirmed it on many levels. I even got a job offer, though, talking with Kitten, I have to decline. =/ But still, I want to keep in touch with him because we do get along so well and I think we can be mutually beneficial to one another in our development.
After shuffling Don off for his meeting with the GM, I headed out to pick up Posi approx. 30 minutes away in Lacey, where he was staying with Amanda. Picked up Posi, grabbed food, then hurtled down the highway to Aloha, where 'Brina and Mana live. Made it to Brina and Mana's, relaxed for a bit there, then headed across town to the Wonder Ballroom where Abney Park was performing.
When we got to the venue, Mana had her camera with her and got told by the door security that she wouldn't be allowed in with her camera. Our group was a bit torqued off by this, to say the least. 'Brina went in and found Captain Robert (AP lead singer), and he vouched for our group to take pictures. Woot!
Wasn't terribly thrilled with Vagabond Opera, who was the opening act, but Abney Park had ridiculous amounts of energy. Seriously. I have no idea how Robert can bounce around on stage for 1+ hours and NOT look completely exhausted. I'm also fairly sure that if I hadn't gotten off a plane 12 hours earlier and driven ~4 hours round trip, I would have enjoyed the show much more than I did. Regardless, I got to see Abney Park perform, and it was indeed as good as I'd imagined. Post-concert, we wandered back to Brina and Mana's, and went our separate ways for the evening.
Got to the hotel and the night clerk gave me crap for having 2 people in my room (when I reserved the room originally, it was just supposed to be me in there). Suffice to say that nothing came of it. Sleep happened.
Saturday
Posi and I stumbled out of bed, showered, and got clothes on before wandering to Brina and Mana's. Once there, we piled into Brina's van, stopped by Fred Meyer for breakfast-type foods, then went over to Portland State University (PSU) to catch the trolley/train. On our trip, we strolled through campus, made our way downtown to the public square, visited the Open Air Market on the riverside, and went to Powell's Books. While at Powell's (and a bit after), I text-chatted with Eria about a book series she had recommended to me a few years back. The conversation was mostly civil, though she's still snippy with me to some degree (I still don't get this, as I've been nothing but polite to her *shrug*). Kinda stung, but I shrugged it off. Adventures in a new place and all. On the way back to the house, we took the scenic route up a mountain and through a forest preserve. Do want to go stomp around there more at some point.
Did food at Sweet Tomatoes (om nom!), then wandered back to the house to get ready for the handfasting.
Lots of things happened last minute that resulted in things being hectic, so Posi and I ended up officiating the ceremony. This was the first time that I've been directly involved in any sort of substantial ritual, and I consider it a deep honor not only to have been asked to participate, but also to bind the couple with their chosen handfasting ribbon.
Following the ceremony, there was a random visit to the beach. Driving through the mountains on the way to Seaside was fantastic, though I also dozed off and on during the ride. Got to the beach and I stayed up on the concrete and took pictures while the rest of our group went down to the ocean and played in the water. I note at this point that I overthink things, was wearing sandals, and know that jellyfish live in the coastal waters, meaning that I don't even touch the sand. I also had a small breakdown upon realizing that it's been 10 years since I've been on the Pacific Ocean. The West Coast is more my home than the Midwest, so it was very much a feeling of nostalgia and shell-shock for me. I felt very alone in my thoughts while sitting on the pier and wished that Kitten was there with me to help me feel less alone and also so that I could share that bit of me with her.
After folks finished playing in the water, we found a local pizza place to have dinner. Had Teriyaki Chicken and Garlic Chicken pizza, then wandered back to Portland. For our final stop on our Magnificent Journey, we went to Voodoo Doughnuts, known for their Maple Bacon doughnuts, among other specialties.
Sunday
At Oh-Gods-30 in the morning, Posi and I woke up and got ready for our respective flights. I returned the car to Hertz, then we both went through security and had breakfast at a German restaurant in the airport.
So, remember me mentioning Voodoo? That damned pink box led to hilarity off and on throughout the day as I traveled from Portland to Kansas City to Chicago. Suffice to say that I was glad to get back to River and stow the box securely in my back seat. I was genuinely concerned multiple times that folks would tackle me for the box. x_x
Once in the car, I hurtled down the interstate back to DeKalb. I went to the monthly munch and was met by Kitten, though I was exhausted and ended up leaving shortly after she arrived. Once Kitten and I both got home, there was lots of snuggling and snoring.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Overall, I had a really good time on my trip. I do wish I had had the extra couple days to hang out more with Brina, Mana, and the new friends I met, as well as had more time to explore Portland (and even get up to Renton to meet Kace and Flaer). However, I know I'll be back there again sometime in the future, so I know I'll get my chance.
Coming back, I realized that I had healed a lot more during the trip, even with stumbling a bit during the conversation with Eria. I feel more like Tiger, full of quiet confidence and grace. I'm hoping this trend continues.
For now, though, I need to sleep so I can haul in on the bike tomorrow.
Portland!
(Written on July 12, 2012 on LiveJournal)
So, I went to Portland this past weekend for
sabrinageek's
handfasting to her wife Mana. I did a lot more in the 2 days that I was
out there than I planned to do, but I'm glad I did. I'm definitely
re-energized despite the early mornings and late nights of the trip,
though I attribute the energy to being around good friends and in a
location that makes me happy (or at least content).Friday
I started off my journey by waking up around 0300. I showered and dressed, kissed
playfulkitten89
goodbye, and was out the door by 0330. I headed out to Midway, got
there a little after 0500 and caught the shuttle to the airport. I
checked into my flight and got through security in roughly 15 minutes.
It probably helped that I had dressed for security and didn't have to go
through a lot to go through it. My flight was at 0835, so I had roughly
3 hours to wait, so I got breakfast at Red Mango, a frozen yogurt
stand. Big freakin' parfait with granola and fresh fruit. As far as
airport food goes, that was a steal.While I waited for my flight, I bought internet (bad idea, as every other place I used internet was either free or cheaper than what I paid), so I was able to catch up on things before I headed out.
On my flight, I sat in the window seat since I wanted to take pictures of the mountains when we got to them. Our flight had Wifi, so I was tethered there, too. Mostly, I watched our flight's progress and checked the weather. When we flew over Idaho and Washington/Oregon, I took pictures of the mountains below us. I took pictures of the Rockies, and pictures of the Washington Trio: Mt. St. Helens, Mt. Hood, and Mt. Rainier.
Once we were on the ground, our luggage was already at baggage claim, so I grabbed my bags, wished the young man sitting next to me a good trip (he was good company on the flight), and grabbed my rental car. My rental was a Toyota Corolla. Let me just say that I was thrilled with the car. Not only was it roomy enough for both
posicat and myself to be comfortable, but it also had Bluetooth tethering, so I got to listen to my music on my travels.Once I had my car, I headed up to the Centralia Distribution Center for my tour. I thought to pack my badge with me, so I had it out and ready for display when I hit Trailer Control. When I arrived, Don, the LP Manager met me and introduced me to his on-duty team. I toured the facility with a gentleman named Tom, who I made conversation with about the differences in our buildings as we walked. Their building is built differently than ours, but also similarly. My favorite part of the excursion, admittedly, was meeting up with Don after the tour and spending a good 1.5-2 hours talking with him. When I've previously seen him, we knew we grokked one another, but sitting and just talking with him confirmed it on many levels. I even got a job offer, though, talking with Kitten, I have to decline. =/ But still, I want to keep in touch with him because we do get along so well and I think we can be mutually beneficial to one another in our development.
After shuffling Don off for his meeting with the GM, I headed out to pick up Posi approx. 30 minutes away in Lacey, where he was staying with Amanda. Picked up Posi, grabbed food, then hurtled down the highway to Aloha, where 'Brina and Mana live. Made it to Brina and Mana's, relaxed for a bit there, then headed across town to the Wonder Ballroom where Abney Park was performing.
When we got to the venue, Mana had her camera with her and got told by the door security that she wouldn't be allowed in with her camera. Our group was a bit torqued off by this, to say the least. 'Brina went in and found Captain Robert (AP lead singer), and he vouched for our group to take pictures. Woot!
Wasn't terribly thrilled with Vagabond Opera, who was the opening act, but Abney Park had ridiculous amounts of energy. Seriously. I have no idea how Robert can bounce around on stage for 1+ hours and NOT look completely exhausted. I'm also fairly sure that if I hadn't gotten off a plane 12 hours earlier and driven ~4 hours round trip, I would have enjoyed the show much more than I did. Regardless, I got to see Abney Park perform, and it was indeed as good as I'd imagined. Post-concert, we wandered back to Brina and Mana's, and went our separate ways for the evening.
Got to the hotel and the night clerk gave me crap for having 2 people in my room (when I reserved the room originally, it was just supposed to be me in there). Suffice to say that nothing came of it. Sleep happened.
Saturday
Posi and I stumbled out of bed, showered, and got clothes on before wandering to Brina and Mana's. Once there, we piled into Brina's van, stopped by Fred Meyer for breakfast-type foods, then went over to Portland State University (PSU) to catch the trolley/train. On our trip, we strolled through campus, made our way downtown to the public square, visited the Open Air Market on the riverside, and went to Powell's Books. While at Powell's (and a bit after), I text-chatted with Eria about a book series she had recommended to me a few years back. The conversation was mostly civil, though she's still snippy with me to some degree (I still don't get this, as I've been nothing but polite to her *shrug*). Kinda stung, but I shrugged it off. Adventures in a new place and all. On the way back to the house, we took the scenic route up a mountain and through a forest preserve. Do want to go stomp around there more at some point.
Did food at Sweet Tomatoes (om nom!), then wandered back to the house to get ready for the handfasting.
Lots of things happened last minute that resulted in things being hectic, so Posi and I ended up officiating the ceremony. This was the first time that I've been directly involved in any sort of substantial ritual, and I consider it a deep honor not only to have been asked to participate, but also to bind the couple with their chosen handfasting ribbon.
Following the ceremony, there was a random visit to the beach. Driving through the mountains on the way to Seaside was fantastic, though I also dozed off and on during the ride. Got to the beach and I stayed up on the concrete and took pictures while the rest of our group went down to the ocean and played in the water. I note at this point that I overthink things, was wearing sandals, and know that jellyfish live in the coastal waters, meaning that I don't even touch the sand. I also had a small breakdown upon realizing that it's been 10 years since I've been on the Pacific Ocean. The West Coast is more my home than the Midwest, so it was very much a feeling of nostalgia and shell-shock for me. I felt very alone in my thoughts while sitting on the pier and wished that Kitten was there with me to help me feel less alone and also so that I could share that bit of me with her.
After folks finished playing in the water, we found a local pizza place to have dinner. Had Teriyaki Chicken and Garlic Chicken pizza, then wandered back to Portland. For our final stop on our Magnificent Journey, we went to Voodoo Doughnuts, known for their Maple Bacon doughnuts, among other specialties.
Sunday
At Oh-Gods-30 in the morning, Posi and I woke up and got ready for our respective flights. I returned the car to Hertz, then we both went through security and had breakfast at a German restaurant in the airport.
So, remember me mentioning Voodoo? That damned pink box led to hilarity off and on throughout the day as I traveled from Portland to Kansas City to Chicago. Suffice to say that I was glad to get back to River and stow the box securely in my back seat. I was genuinely concerned multiple times that folks would tackle me for the box. x_x
Once in the car, I hurtled down the interstate back to DeKalb. I went to the monthly munch and was met by Kitten, though I was exhausted and ended up leaving shortly after she arrived. Once Kitten and I both got home, there was lots of snuggling and snoring.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Overall, I had a really good time on my trip. I do wish I had had the extra couple days to hang out more with Brina, Mana, and the new friends I met, as well as had more time to explore Portland (and even get up to Renton to meet Kace and Flaer). However, I know I'll be back there again sometime in the future, so I know I'll get my chance.
Coming back, I realized that I had healed a lot more during the trip, even with stumbling a bit during the conversation with Eria. I feel more like Tiger, full of quiet confidence and grace. I'm hoping this trend continues.
For now, though, I need to sleep so I can haul in on the bike tomorrow.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Transition and General Health
Today, I started dialogue with my Primary Care Physician about transitioning and taking testosterone. I provided her the Informed Consent Standards of Care (which were linked to me by Jay, another local transguy I've known for several years). What she has told me is that she's going to talk to the hospital lead about it to see if I can have that aspect of my care provided by her office, as well as find out how to proceed.
I was very happy to hear that her office does prescribe T in the form of gel, so I may be able to get around injecting. This is important to me because, despite being diabetic, I hate needles. It's doubly important to me that she is the one I work with because of aforementioned diabetes. And high blood pressure.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Run
I have very mixed feelings about this song. Well, the one that Matt Nathanson and Jennifer Nettles perform, anyways (Snow Patrol's "Run" is a solid "I like it") . I love the music and the way that their voices mesh seamlessly. However, I don't particularly care for the lyrics. Depending on how you interpret the lyrics, it could mean that the relationship is either: a) a result of infidelity, or b) just simply unhealthy.
Still, it's a song that I like and that's associated with someone. Multiple someones, actually, if I think about its varying interpretations.
Anyways, here's the song. . .
. . . And Lyrics:
"Run" - Matt Nathanson feat. Sugarland
[Verse 1 (Matt):]
I wanna watch you undress
I wanna watch you glow
Let your hair down
All around, cover us both
You come in a wave
We crash and we roll
You surround me, pull me, drown me, swallow me whole
[Chorus (Both):]
You turn, turn, turn, turning me on
Like a slow fire burn
Know that it's wrong
Still I run, run, run, run right into you
Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you
[Verse 2 (Jennifer):]
You pull me in close
You buckle my knees
I shake and I shiver just to feel you breathe
You trace my lines
(You trace your lines)
Stirring my soul
Shoot sparks at the heart of the world and I watch it explode (I watch you, I watch you)
[Chorus (Both):]
You turn, turn, turn, turning me on
Like a slow fire burn
Know that it's wrong
Still I run, run, run, run right into you
Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you
[Hook:]
[Matt]
I’m amazing when you’re beside me
I am so much more
[Jennifer]
And I feel your fingers
Pound like thunder
I am so much more
[Matt]
So much more
[Chorus (Both):]
Turn, turn, turn, turning me on
Like a slow fire burn
Know that it's wrong
Still I run, run, run, run right into you
Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you
Turn, turn, turn, turning me on
Like a slow fire burn
Know that it's wrong
Still I run, run, run, run right into you
Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you
Still I run, run, run, run right back to you
[Jennifer]
Turning me on
[Matt]
Like a slow fire burn
Still, it's a song that I like and that's associated with someone. Multiple someones, actually, if I think about its varying interpretations.
Anyways, here's the song. . .
. . . And Lyrics:
"Run" - Matt Nathanson feat. Sugarland
[Verse 1 (Matt):]
I wanna watch you undress
I wanna watch you glow
Let your hair down
All around, cover us both
You come in a wave
We crash and we roll
You surround me, pull me, drown me, swallow me whole
[Chorus (Both):]
You turn, turn, turn, turning me on
Like a slow fire burn
Know that it's wrong
Still I run, run, run, run right into you
Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you
[Verse 2 (Jennifer):]
You pull me in close
You buckle my knees
I shake and I shiver just to feel you breathe
You trace my lines
(You trace your lines)
Stirring my soul
Shoot sparks at the heart of the world and I watch it explode (I watch you, I watch you)
[Chorus (Both):]
You turn, turn, turn, turning me on
Like a slow fire burn
Know that it's wrong
Still I run, run, run, run right into you
Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you
[Hook:]
[Matt]
I’m amazing when you’re beside me
I am so much more
[Jennifer]
And I feel your fingers
Pound like thunder
I am so much more
[Matt]
So much more
[Chorus (Both):]
Turn, turn, turn, turning me on
Like a slow fire burn
Know that it's wrong
Still I run, run, run, run right into you
Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you
Turn, turn, turn, turning me on
Like a slow fire burn
Know that it's wrong
Still I run, run, run, run right into you
Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you
Still I run, run, run, run right back to you
[Jennifer]
Turning me on
[Matt]
Like a slow fire burn
Monday, June 25, 2012
Dare I say it, but I am completely happy right now.
- My car refinance loan got approved. That's nearly $100/month I can put towards other things.
- My car insurance dropped by roughly $20/month (I make 4 payments and have 2 months without every 6 months).
- Britt and I saw a place this morning that we both like. It's close to her job and close to the interstate for me. We're going to our lender's office tomorrow to get the pre-approval letter. Hoping to close the last week of July. This may mean that camping may not happen for us, but we'll go to Faire and meet with folks on Sunday.
- My credit rating dropped all of 1 point over the past 2 months. This makes me incredibly happy. Actually, it dropped, then came back up. Still. Not much changed. =D
- Saw Sugarland in concert on Saturday with Britt and her mom. Loved the energy of the concert. No malice whatsoever and I pretty much danced the entire time. Was up until 2:30am, though, between IHop with Britt and her mom and prepping for Pride. Also, pretty much all of the songs I voted for got played at the concert. They even played "Run", which is a Matt Nathanson duet with Jennifer Nettles.
- Went to the Pride parade on Sunday. I still hate drunks. Loud drunks make me a cranky tiger. Had a really good time going with Erik and one of his minions, though. And we even got to see Nina before we left town! =D
- I got to see Nina. She's one of my best friends, and for good reason. Many months may go by between us talking, but we always pick up where we left off without missing a beat. And she's part of my friend-family. ^_^
- Erik still manages to amaze and impress me. He's got this unflappable confidence that he plays down in a very cat-like "I meant to do that" manner that is charming. I also really like when I get to hear snippets about his Life, family, and things that interest him. He's incredibly knowledgeable about a variety of things that I'm not, so I enjoy listening to him.
So, yes. Happy Tiger is happy. <3
- My car refinance loan got approved. That's nearly $100/month I can put towards other things.
- My car insurance dropped by roughly $20/month (I make 4 payments and have 2 months without every 6 months).
- Britt and I saw a place this morning that we both like. It's close to her job and close to the interstate for me. We're going to our lender's office tomorrow to get the pre-approval letter. Hoping to close the last week of July. This may mean that camping may not happen for us, but we'll go to Faire and meet with folks on Sunday.
- My credit rating dropped all of 1 point over the past 2 months. This makes me incredibly happy. Actually, it dropped, then came back up. Still. Not much changed. =D
- Saw Sugarland in concert on Saturday with Britt and her mom. Loved the energy of the concert. No malice whatsoever and I pretty much danced the entire time. Was up until 2:30am, though, between IHop with Britt and her mom and prepping for Pride. Also, pretty much all of the songs I voted for got played at the concert. They even played "Run", which is a Matt Nathanson duet with Jennifer Nettles.
- Went to the Pride parade on Sunday. I still hate drunks. Loud drunks make me a cranky tiger. Had a really good time going with Erik and one of his minions, though. And we even got to see Nina before we left town! =D
- I got to see Nina. She's one of my best friends, and for good reason. Many months may go by between us talking, but we always pick up where we left off without missing a beat. And she's part of my friend-family. ^_^
- Erik still manages to amaze and impress me. He's got this unflappable confidence that he plays down in a very cat-like "I meant to do that" manner that is charming. I also really like when I get to hear snippets about his Life, family, and things that interest him. He's incredibly knowledgeable about a variety of things that I'm not, so I enjoy listening to him.
So, yes. Happy Tiger is happy. <3
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Thursday, June 07, 2012
In the old days before I had a 40+ hour per week job and I had my afternoons free, on days like today, I would grab my wallet and a water bottle, make sure my tires were properly inflated, and ride until I couldn't pedal anymore. It was my time to be. To hash out my thoughts and feelings and sort things accordingly. I have a bike and a motorcycle, but I'm locked into the rat race of work-sleep-work with little quality time to myself.
I used to be a lot more brash and ballsy. I used to write, draw, and sing freely. And then I became integrated into Corporate America. My energy became redirected.
This weighs heavily on my mind today. The easy answer is that I need a vacation. In a few short weeks, I'll be on a plane to Portland, Oregon for a few days. It's going to be a hectic weekend between meeting long-time online friends in person, going to a concert for a band I've been a fan of for several years, and calling my element, Fire, in my best friend/sister's handfasting. But I'm flying. And going back out West. Not to California, where I'm originally from, but out West nonetheless. And I get to drive through the mountains. <3
I'm also jonesing for travel to the South. I miss lots of people from Huntsville and Atlanta. I do get to see many of them during Labor Day weekend at MFM, but still.
I've been in a lull since Sunday/Monday and it's irritating me. My normal coping mechanisms aren't working as well and, well, I just wanna go and explore. My wanderlust is kicking in hardcore.
And the large gaggle of geese crossing my lanes right now is making me smile, at least a little bit. Last night, it was the mother duck and her ducklings that made me smile as they waddled across the lanes.
I used to be a lot more brash and ballsy. I used to write, draw, and sing freely. And then I became integrated into Corporate America. My energy became redirected.
This weighs heavily on my mind today. The easy answer is that I need a vacation. In a few short weeks, I'll be on a plane to Portland, Oregon for a few days. It's going to be a hectic weekend between meeting long-time online friends in person, going to a concert for a band I've been a fan of for several years, and calling my element, Fire, in my best friend/sister's handfasting. But I'm flying. And going back out West. Not to California, where I'm originally from, but out West nonetheless. And I get to drive through the mountains. <3
I'm also jonesing for travel to the South. I miss lots of people from Huntsville and Atlanta. I do get to see many of them during Labor Day weekend at MFM, but still.
I've been in a lull since Sunday/Monday and it's irritating me. My normal coping mechanisms aren't working as well and, well, I just wanna go and explore. My wanderlust is kicking in hardcore.
And the large gaggle of geese crossing my lanes right now is making me smile, at least a little bit. Last night, it was the mother duck and her ducklings that made me smile as they waddled across the lanes.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Many Things Make A Post
- I realized this morning that I'm being asked to do some of the projects I've done to test and/or develop me further.
- I was told by our 2nd Shift Operations Manager that when he runs his leadership workshop later this week that he wants me to be part of it. This makes me happy.
- In 11 days, I'm going for my LPQ. I suppose I should work on my notes and take the final exam, shouldn't I? ;-P
- Waystation is slowly getting off the ground. After the LPQ is done, I need to start hardcore working on the website and getting it revamped. Also, I need to start reaching out to artists for art for the con. I know at some point or another, I'd love to commission someone for a picture of the staff in our storyline roles.
~ ~ ~
Many things swirl through my brain when I'm driving. It's the best time for me to reflect and ponder. And then this song came on the radio. I don't know why, but I pulled the lyrics up on Soundhound and paid attention to them.
"Glass"
Trying to live and love,
With a heart that can't be broken,
Is like trying to see the light with eyes that can't be opened.
Yeah, we both carry baggage,
We picked up on our way, so if you love me do it gently,
And I will do the same.
We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
Cause we are glass.
I'll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks,
And in the darkness of this moment,
You see the good and bad.
But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths,
But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.
We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake,
We might burn like gasoline and fire,
It's a chance we'll have to take.
We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
And we are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We are glass.
- I was told by our 2nd Shift Operations Manager that when he runs his leadership workshop later this week that he wants me to be part of it. This makes me happy.
- In 11 days, I'm going for my LPQ. I suppose I should work on my notes and take the final exam, shouldn't I? ;-P
- Waystation is slowly getting off the ground. After the LPQ is done, I need to start hardcore working on the website and getting it revamped. Also, I need to start reaching out to artists for art for the con. I know at some point or another, I'd love to commission someone for a picture of the staff in our storyline roles.
~ ~ ~
Many things swirl through my brain when I'm driving. It's the best time for me to reflect and ponder. And then this song came on the radio. I don't know why, but I pulled the lyrics up on Soundhound and paid attention to them.
"Glass"
Trying to live and love,
With a heart that can't be broken,
Is like trying to see the light with eyes that can't be opened.
Yeah, we both carry baggage,
We picked up on our way, so if you love me do it gently,
And I will do the same.
We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
Cause we are glass.
I'll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks,
And in the darkness of this moment,
You see the good and bad.
But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths,
But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.
We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake,
We might burn like gasoline and fire,
It's a chance we'll have to take.
We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
And we are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We are glass.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
The past few days have left me incredibly sore and tired, but they were mostly worth it.
Friday: Rode the motorcycle to work. All 150 miles of that roundtrip commute. I would say "never again", but I know that's bullshit. ;) I didn't spill the bike (yay!), though I did have a close call where I fishtailed as I came off of I-80 at Briggs St. Still, I kept the bike upright. Kinda proud of that. Did I also mention that this was my first substantial ride? Yeah. Go big or go home. Or something. It was kinda scary riding the bike home the 75 miles at night. Many of the truck drivers were pretty cool and went around me and such, but still. My depth perception at night sucks, so I ran with brights on most of the way home. It also didn't help that half of my ride was back country roads.
Saturday: Drove to downtown Chicago to browse the IML Marketplace with Tybis, Posi, and several other friends. I haven't been to a con since MFF last November, and I loved the atmosphere. There was no malice whatsoever and if there was drama, I didn't notice it. I'm incredibly sore today (Sunday) because of the walking around Chicago, plus the soreness from riding the bike on Friday. But about IML. IML made me want to get involved in the local kink/leather community again. I think I may offer a fire cupping class after the next munch. Maybe run the munch from 7-9, then do the demo from 9:30 to 10:30 or 11. I've been doing cupping long enough that I feel comfortable instructing others in how to do it. It would also give me a damn good reason to clean the apartment to "party ready" again. xD
Sunday: Today is the 4th anniversary of my best friend's death. I'm planning on finding a park and taking the incense her mother gave me that she owned and lighting a stick and meditating. This is my small way of remembering her. I miss Kristina terribly and she was one of my biggest supporters when times were rough. I wish I could have been there as much for her as she was for me. I still remember getting the call from Derek at work and the subsequent breakdown I had in Chris's office though I tried to soldier through it.
It also sounds like I'm going to be riding down to Starved Rock State Park to hang out with some friends/co-workers today. It also means I get to do my meditation... Which means I should probably see about getting clothes on.
Friday: Rode the motorcycle to work. All 150 miles of that roundtrip commute. I would say "never again", but I know that's bullshit. ;) I didn't spill the bike (yay!), though I did have a close call where I fishtailed as I came off of I-80 at Briggs St. Still, I kept the bike upright. Kinda proud of that. Did I also mention that this was my first substantial ride? Yeah. Go big or go home. Or something. It was kinda scary riding the bike home the 75 miles at night. Many of the truck drivers were pretty cool and went around me and such, but still. My depth perception at night sucks, so I ran with brights on most of the way home. It also didn't help that half of my ride was back country roads.
Saturday: Drove to downtown Chicago to browse the IML Marketplace with Tybis, Posi, and several other friends. I haven't been to a con since MFF last November, and I loved the atmosphere. There was no malice whatsoever and if there was drama, I didn't notice it. I'm incredibly sore today (Sunday) because of the walking around Chicago, plus the soreness from riding the bike on Friday. But about IML. IML made me want to get involved in the local kink/leather community again. I think I may offer a fire cupping class after the next munch. Maybe run the munch from 7-9, then do the demo from 9:30 to 10:30 or 11. I've been doing cupping long enough that I feel comfortable instructing others in how to do it. It would also give me a damn good reason to clean the apartment to "party ready" again. xD
Sunday: Today is the 4th anniversary of my best friend's death. I'm planning on finding a park and taking the incense her mother gave me that she owned and lighting a stick and meditating. This is my small way of remembering her. I miss Kristina terribly and she was one of my biggest supporters when times were rough. I wish I could have been there as much for her as she was for me. I still remember getting the call from Derek at work and the subsequent breakdown I had in Chris's office though I tried to soldier through it.
It also sounds like I'm going to be riding down to Starved Rock State Park to hang out with some friends/co-workers today. It also means I get to do my meditation... Which means I should probably see about getting clothes on.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Last night, I corrected one of the coaches at work who was using the wrong pronouns with me in front of associates. I asked her nicely to use the correct pronouns and she sincerely told me she couldn't. She did, however, say that she would use my name. I suppose I should be grateful that she'll at least meet me halfway, but it cut me to the quick. It hurt to be blatantly told by someone I work with that they don't respect me enough to use the proper pronouns.
I talked to C1 (my manager) because he called to ask me about something, and he told me that I needed to stop correcting people. I don't correct them that often. It's mainly he and the folks up front that I end up correcting, anyways. I reminded J1 (one of the coaches) and he's been good about it since. C2 (another one of the coaches) uses the right pronouns with me, too. R doesn't, and I've been meaning to remind him, as well. I've got the professional relationship with him that I feel I can, even though R is a manager. I think what galled me is that C1 said that I need to stop correcting people because I'm not legally male yet. And, to be honest, I kind of wanted to reach through the phone and slap him for the comment. I will not go stealth at work just because it makes people uncomfortable. I am the same person that they can come to for information or projects.
On the flip side to this, C3 (our former GM) used proper pronouns about me with C1. Someone -- I'm guessing HR -- gave C3 a heads up, which I'm grateful for. I'm even more grateful that I'm respected enough by those outside of my building that they would comply with my request.
I suppose this is something I'll have to get used to, though. It just makes me wish that the suburban support group wasn't being held on a Tuesday. I may reach out to folks regardless to network and get information. And will definitely need to reach out to my "sister" Sabrina to see how she handled coming out at work.
I talked to C1 (my manager) because he called to ask me about something, and he told me that I needed to stop correcting people. I don't correct them that often. It's mainly he and the folks up front that I end up correcting, anyways. I reminded J1 (one of the coaches) and he's been good about it since. C2 (another one of the coaches) uses the right pronouns with me, too. R doesn't, and I've been meaning to remind him, as well. I've got the professional relationship with him that I feel I can, even though R is a manager. I think what galled me is that C1 said that I need to stop correcting people because I'm not legally male yet. And, to be honest, I kind of wanted to reach through the phone and slap him for the comment. I will not go stealth at work just because it makes people uncomfortable. I am the same person that they can come to for information or projects.
On the flip side to this, C3 (our former GM) used proper pronouns about me with C1. Someone -- I'm guessing HR -- gave C3 a heads up, which I'm grateful for. I'm even more grateful that I'm respected enough by those outside of my building that they would comply with my request.
I suppose this is something I'll have to get used to, though. It just makes me wish that the suburban support group wasn't being held on a Tuesday. I may reach out to folks regardless to network and get information. And will definitely need to reach out to my "sister" Sabrina to see how she handled coming out at work.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed or something today. Pretty much all day at work, I've been a giant ball of cranky. Part of it, I know, is blood sugar-induced cranky. Part of it isn't, though. I'm looking at a 11+ hour day right now, which leaves me feeling angry and annoyed. I'm also extremely angry about the fact that I have once again had to swoop in and be the underdog to ensure things run smoothly. Nevermind that I have MY OWN DAMN PROJECT to worry about.
Oh, and I'm on lunch right now, which is why I'm on here. I'm just fed up and done. I have lots of spray painting left to do before I'm done tonight, lending to me being even crankier. I'm turning a deaf ear to my phone on Friday, though, and enjoying a well-deserved day off with Kitten.
Oh, and I'm on lunch right now, which is why I'm on here. I'm just fed up and done. I have lots of spray painting left to do before I'm done tonight, lending to me being even crankier. I'm turning a deaf ear to my phone on Friday, though, and enjoying a well-deserved day off with Kitten.
The "Man Card"
Something that my co-worker T has bantered about me with since I came out as trans is my "man card", in which I behave like a typical male. And I finally realized this morning that's what is partially grating on me about him. He's a stereotypical misogynistic cisgendered male, like many of the men in my warehouse. He views women as bodies rather than people and daydreams about getting "the cute ones" in bed. He criticizes my choices in fashion (nevermind that I have long-held a masculine style of dress). And, me being who I am, it pisses me off.
I think what pisses me off even further is the concept that as a man, I need to just "take it" and let the other person admit their mistake. Sorry, but in my book, that's being a pushover and a doormat regardless of where you fall on the gender spectrum. So, I stood my ground and got called a pussy because of it. Since when does standing my ground make me weak? Last I knew, it was a strength to be valued.
Also, the simple fact that I try to treat everyone with respect means that I'm more of a man than he could ever hope to be.
I think what pisses me off even further is the concept that as a man, I need to just "take it" and let the other person admit their mistake. Sorry, but in my book, that's being a pushover and a doormat regardless of where you fall on the gender spectrum. So, I stood my ground and got called a pussy because of it. Since when does standing my ground make me weak? Last I knew, it was a strength to be valued.
Also, the simple fact that I try to treat everyone with respect means that I'm more of a man than he could ever hope to be.
Friday, May 11, 2012
I have been mulling over the past few hours how to start this post. The past few days, more or less going on a week, have consisted of me pondering between downtime at work (of which I have had plenty of this week) and my commute between work and home the subtle clues that have led me to now, where I have slowly been coming to terms with and embracing my identity not as a quirky genderqueer-identified female, but as a confident Female to Male transgendered individual.
I'm far from being out to family. In fact, to be honest, the first person I tell family-wise will probably be the cousin who has been the most vocally supportive of me, particularly in recent times. But I will get to my plan of attack later. Right now, I'm sitting here pretty amused that I can trace identifiable behavior patterns back to the point I started watching MMPR and wanted to be the Green Dragon/White Tiger Ranger. xD So, roughly 10-11 years old. Or thereabouts.
I had the standard Black upbringing - homosexuality is a sin and gender stereotypes are pounded into one's head - that was made worse when I came out as a lesbian. Technically, I described pansexuality to my mother when I came out, but still. I passionately argued my case for wanting to wear a tux to prom (and still was made to wear a dress, which I still have). And then NIU happened. NIU brought some amazing discoveries of self even though now I'm bearing the financial repercussions. I wouldn't change any of it, though. Not for the lessons I've learned and the people I've met and networked with over the years.
NIU. My Freshman year at NIU, I got heavily involved with Prism, the LGBT organization on campus. And somehow got persuaded/asked to be the Homecoming Drag King. And I loved it. I learned how to bind, albeit with vet wrap, but still. Sometime during that year, I also started researching various packing devices. I was allowed to explore my gender identity and sexual orientation freely since I didn't have prying eyes, and I did. Well, the best I could at a university, anyways.
Fast forward to 2007. I met Sabrina. At first, I was very interested in her romantically, but that soon fizzled out and we became very good friends. At this point, I consider 'Brina my sister, and when I mention my family, I have to specify which type I mean -- blood, or friend-family. Brina moved in with me at the apartment in Elgin in 2009. What this meant is that I pretty much watched her transition from its start to where she is now.
What this also meant is that I took a closer look at my own gender identity. Brina and I have had countless discussions about gender, sex, and everything in the lexicon between. Brina arguably knows me better than most people do. When I say she is my sister, I mean it. She's someone I would step up to defend in a heartbeat, but who I would also clue-by-four when she needs it. We're a bluntly honest couple of folks. And she was also the best roommate to date who I wasn't romantically involved with.
In 2010, I purchased my first binder. I started off wearing it intermittently because I wanted to test the waters, but now I wear it on a daily basis.
Roughly a month ago, I had my mental breakdown due to unrelated causes, and I sat and figured, you know what, I've gotta rebuild myself after this, anyways. Why not just start from the ground up and start over? And that's what I'm doing. After multiple days of contemplation, I decided to meet with my HR manager and begin the process of transitioning at work. Out in the "Real World", I pass as male without really trying and I've used male pronouns (at least in the BDSM world) for the previous couple of years, so why not?
For a while, the character of Samii Tiger was able to shift gender and shape to reflect me being first genderfluid, then genderqueer. It eventually got to the point that I shifted solely to being "male" as that character and it was comfortable.
So, yeah. This is where I'm at currently:
- I'm from California originally, so I'll be poking at Fyremane at some point to ask her about what I need to do to get my birth certificate changed out there (she's native to Cali, too), and I suspect that the IL Driver's License won't be much of an issue.
- I have yet to come out to my family. I figure that I'll start with my dad's side since they don't have a whole lot of contact with me. I won't say it's "not a big loss" if they stop talking to me because, even though I've never met half of my siblings, they're still my family and the thought of losing them or their support hurts.
- I will not be changing my legal name. For the longest time, I've refrained from using my full middle name on any legal documents and I will continue to do that. I was given my middle name in honor of my grandmother, and I will keep it for that reason. My grandmother was a fantastic artist and a spit fire, and I got some of that personality. My legal first name just fits me too well and I identify with it; I'm just lucky that my mother unknowingly gave me an androgynous name. xD
- Hormones. I'm in the process of doing Insurance Open Enrollment for work. You can bet that I'm moving up to a better grade of insurance, especially since I'll be working with my doctor closely on figuring out where my testosterone levels are at currently and what-not, especially since there may be complications with me taking any hormonal supplements/replacements in conjunction with some of my existing medication. We shall see.
- Surgery. Is at a maybe. Right now, I can bind sufficiently to pass as male, and I look hella good when I do it. I'm also reluctant to do a surgery that is purely for cosmetic purposes.
- Body image. I'm relatively okay where I'm at. I could stand to lose some of my pudge, but as far as physical dysphoria goes, it's at a minimum. Gotta say, though, that it would be nice to not worry about the social taboo of having female breasts exposed, though. Ah, well.
~ ~ ~
For me, it's off to the shower so I can get ready for my day. I found out some news this morning that still has me a bit sad, but I know my friend is doing the best thing for her family. I do love that no matter how long it is between when we talk, my friend and I always pick up where we left off. I suspect that whenever it is that our paths cross again, it'll be the same.
I'm far from being out to family. In fact, to be honest, the first person I tell family-wise will probably be the cousin who has been the most vocally supportive of me, particularly in recent times. But I will get to my plan of attack later. Right now, I'm sitting here pretty amused that I can trace identifiable behavior patterns back to the point I started watching MMPR and wanted to be the Green Dragon/White Tiger Ranger. xD So, roughly 10-11 years old. Or thereabouts.
I had the standard Black upbringing - homosexuality is a sin and gender stereotypes are pounded into one's head - that was made worse when I came out as a lesbian. Technically, I described pansexuality to my mother when I came out, but still. I passionately argued my case for wanting to wear a tux to prom (and still was made to wear a dress, which I still have). And then NIU happened. NIU brought some amazing discoveries of self even though now I'm bearing the financial repercussions. I wouldn't change any of it, though. Not for the lessons I've learned and the people I've met and networked with over the years.
NIU. My Freshman year at NIU, I got heavily involved with Prism, the LGBT organization on campus. And somehow got persuaded/asked to be the Homecoming Drag King. And I loved it. I learned how to bind, albeit with vet wrap, but still. Sometime during that year, I also started researching various packing devices. I was allowed to explore my gender identity and sexual orientation freely since I didn't have prying eyes, and I did. Well, the best I could at a university, anyways.
Fast forward to 2007. I met Sabrina
What this also meant is that I took a closer look at my own gender identity. Brina and I have had countless discussions about gender, sex, and everything in the lexicon between. Brina arguably knows me better than most people do. When I say she is my sister, I mean it. She's someone I would step up to defend in a heartbeat, but who I would also clue-by-four when she needs it. We're a bluntly honest couple of folks. And she was also the best roommate to date who I wasn't romantically involved with.
In 2010, I purchased my first binder. I started off wearing it intermittently because I wanted to test the waters, but now I wear it on a daily basis.
Roughly a month ago, I had my mental breakdown due to unrelated causes, and I sat and figured, you know what, I've gotta rebuild myself after this, anyways. Why not just start from the ground up and start over? And that's what I'm doing. After multiple days of contemplation, I decided to meet with my HR manager and begin the process of transitioning at work. Out in the "Real World", I pass as male without really trying and I've used male pronouns (at least in the BDSM world) for the previous couple of years, so why not?
For a while, the character of Samii Tiger was able to shift gender and shape to reflect me being first genderfluid, then genderqueer. It eventually got to the point that I shifted solely to being "male" as that character and it was comfortable.
So, yeah. This is where I'm at currently:
- I'm from California originally, so I'll be poking at Fyremane at some point to ask her about what I need to do to get my birth certificate changed out there (she's native to Cali, too), and I suspect that the IL Driver's License won't be much of an issue.
- I have yet to come out to my family. I figure that I'll start with my dad's side since they don't have a whole lot of contact with me. I won't say it's "not a big loss" if they stop talking to me because, even though I've never met half of my siblings, they're still my family and the thought of losing them or their support hurts.
- I will not be changing my legal name. For the longest time, I've refrained from using my full middle name on any legal documents and I will continue to do that. I was given my middle name in honor of my grandmother, and I will keep it for that reason. My grandmother was a fantastic artist and a spit fire, and I got some of that personality. My legal first name just fits me too well and I identify with it; I'm just lucky that my mother unknowingly gave me an androgynous name. xD
- Hormones. I'm in the process of doing Insurance Open Enrollment for work. You can bet that I'm moving up to a better grade of insurance, especially since I'll be working with my doctor closely on figuring out where my testosterone levels are at currently and what-not, especially since there may be complications with me taking any hormonal supplements/replacements in conjunction with some of my existing medication. We shall see.
- Surgery. Is at a maybe. Right now, I can bind sufficiently to pass as male, and I look hella good when I do it. I'm also reluctant to do a surgery that is purely for cosmetic purposes.
- Body image. I'm relatively okay where I'm at. I could stand to lose some of my pudge, but as far as physical dysphoria goes, it's at a minimum. Gotta say, though, that it would be nice to not worry about the social taboo of having female breasts exposed, though. Ah, well.
~ ~ ~
For me, it's off to the shower so I can get ready for my day. I found out some news this morning that still has me a bit sad, but I know my friend is doing the best thing for her family. I do love that no matter how long it is between when we talk, my friend and I always pick up where we left off. I suspect that whenever it is that our paths cross again, it'll be the same.
Sunday, May 06, 2012
Saturday was a damn good day overall. It kinda rippled towards the end of the night, but it still ended up being a good day.
- Slept in. Ah, glorious sleep!
- Went to AmSci to meet up with Tybis and Posi.
- En route to AmSci, I got a text from Erik asking me where I was. He and the minions were nearby, so they joined us for a bit.
-- Cue me grinning from ear to ear like a damn fool. I hadn't expected to see Erik and his minions, so it was a very pleasant surprise, especially since I originally wasn't going to go out to AmSci.
- Came back to DeKalb and did food with Tybis and Posi.
- Saw The Avengers with Kitten and Mama!Kitten. We all thoroughly enjoyed the movie despite being surrounded by talkers above us and silent movie watchers below us. Still, lots of action and really enjoyed the film. =D
- Ended up coming back home with Kitten and snuggling up with her and picking out a gift for her mom. My mom's going to get a plant when I go down to Kankakee since she likes plants.
~ ~ ~
Today. Sunday. It's currently storming and I've got the windows in my apartment open to let in some of the air. In a few moments, I'm probably going to start making breakfast for Kitten and I. She said she wanted to start eating breakfast again, so I'm gonna encourage this. I had planned on taking my LPQ Final Exam today, but I forgot to e-mail myself the study notes, so I'll plan on taking it later this week.
I'm gonna start meal planning for myself, too, so I can start getting back on track for losing weight and such. Need B-vitamins and Choline, too, to help with my headspace.
There are so many projects I want to work on, too, this summer.
- Slept in. Ah, glorious sleep!
- Went to AmSci to meet up with Tybis and Posi.
- En route to AmSci, I got a text from Erik asking me where I was. He and the minions were nearby, so they joined us for a bit.
-- Cue me grinning from ear to ear like a damn fool. I hadn't expected to see Erik and his minions, so it was a very pleasant surprise, especially since I originally wasn't going to go out to AmSci.
- Came back to DeKalb and did food with Tybis and Posi.
- Saw The Avengers with Kitten and Mama!Kitten. We all thoroughly enjoyed the movie despite being surrounded by talkers above us and silent movie watchers below us. Still, lots of action and really enjoyed the film. =D
- Ended up coming back home with Kitten and snuggling up with her and picking out a gift for her mom. My mom's going to get a plant when I go down to Kankakee since she likes plants.
~ ~ ~
Today. Sunday. It's currently storming and I've got the windows in my apartment open to let in some of the air. In a few moments, I'm probably going to start making breakfast for Kitten and I. She said she wanted to start eating breakfast again, so I'm gonna encourage this. I had planned on taking my LPQ Final Exam today, but I forgot to e-mail myself the study notes, so I'll plan on taking it later this week.
I'm gonna start meal planning for myself, too, so I can start getting back on track for losing weight and such. Need B-vitamins and Choline, too, to help with my headspace.
There are so many projects I want to work on, too, this summer.
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
One could say that I "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" yesterday. I
was a ball of cranky most of the day due to a combination of factors.
And to top things off, I realized at the end of the night that I was so
engrossed in what I was doing that I forgot to take a lunch. The OT will
be nice, though.
I'm debating if I want to take my co-worker T's hours on Saturday, though. It's a 6-hour shift that I could use to catch up on my non-associate driven audits and then sleep in on Sunday. We'll see. I'm a little cranky that he wants out early on Friday to mitigate his OT, though, and I might refuse his hours on Saturday. We'll see how I feel later this week. I'm still feeling abused and taken advantage of at this point.
The thing is, I shouldn't have been nearly as cranky yesterday as I was. I got plenty of sleep on Sunday night, had a good day out with Erik and the minions, and spent some quality time with Kitten. Ah, well.
May 18th needs to get here. I could use the day off from work, even if it'll still have me running around like crazy.
~ ~ ~
The day I fly into Portland, I'm seeing Abney Park in concert. For real. I'm positively buzzing in delight at this.
I'm debating if I want to take my co-worker T's hours on Saturday, though. It's a 6-hour shift that I could use to catch up on my non-associate driven audits and then sleep in on Sunday. We'll see. I'm a little cranky that he wants out early on Friday to mitigate his OT, though, and I might refuse his hours on Saturday. We'll see how I feel later this week. I'm still feeling abused and taken advantage of at this point.
The thing is, I shouldn't have been nearly as cranky yesterday as I was. I got plenty of sleep on Sunday night, had a good day out with Erik and the minions, and spent some quality time with Kitten. Ah, well.
May 18th needs to get here. I could use the day off from work, even if it'll still have me running around like crazy.
~ ~ ~
The day I fly into Portland, I'm seeing Abney Park in concert. For real. I'm positively buzzing in delight at this.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
My Magick is starting to come back to me. This thrills me on many levels because I am a Fire elemental.
Planning is good, doing is better.
- I rocked out my interview on Tuesday.
- I rocked out my interview outfit and raised the bar for everyone else.
- I got an "attaboy" in my e-mail this morning from my Director for a project I completed.
...I don't know if I'll get the CiT position because of my past and the bias towards me at work, but even if I don't, things are working for me and I'm being "groomed" for a position as an auditor or at Corporate.
~ ~ ~
I'm a contented jumble of happy Tiger right now. To add to my good day at work, E is incredibly good, whether or not he realizes it, at doing small little things that make me smile and get warm fuzzies.
Planning is good, doing is better.
- I rocked out my interview on Tuesday.
- I rocked out my interview outfit and raised the bar for everyone else.
- I got an "attaboy" in my e-mail this morning from my Director for a project I completed.
...I don't know if I'll get the CiT position because of my past and the bias towards me at work, but even if I don't, things are working for me and I'm being "groomed" for a position as an auditor or at Corporate.
~ ~ ~
I'm a contented jumble of happy Tiger right now. To add to my good day at work, E is incredibly good, whether or not he realizes it, at doing small little things that make me smile and get warm fuzzies.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
I have my interview for Coach (Supervisor) in Training on Tuesday afternoon. I told both Kitten and E about it and they both told me good luck. Knowing that I have two really fantastic partners who support me in this is an amazing boost to my self-confidence.
Kitten is looking to go for Manager in Training later this year at her job, as well. E's set to sit for his EMT-B in another month or so, so I've got my fingers and toes crossed for him, as well. I know he'll pass, but a bit of positive energy never hurt anyone, either.
~ ~ ~
Kitten and I decided to look for condos instead of looking for a house. It will be considerably easier to find a condo that fits our budget than a house, so that's what we're running with. I think next week will be the "official" start of the housing hunt. We've already started talking to a mortgage lender in town, so we know how much we can play with. Our target area is Aurora/Naperville/Plainfield, so both of us can be reasonably close to work, plus this puts us less far away from E and our friends than if we had ended up in Joliet/New Lenox/Lockport. I am okay with this for many reasons.
Kitten is looking to go for Manager in Training later this year at her job, as well. E's set to sit for his EMT-B in another month or so, so I've got my fingers and toes crossed for him, as well. I know he'll pass, but a bit of positive energy never hurt anyone, either.
~ ~ ~
Kitten and I decided to look for condos instead of looking for a house. It will be considerably easier to find a condo that fits our budget than a house, so that's what we're running with. I think next week will be the "official" start of the housing hunt. We've already started talking to a mortgage lender in town, so we know how much we can play with. Our target area is Aurora/Naperville/Plainfield, so both of us can be reasonably close to work, plus this puts us less far away from E and our friends than if we had ended up in Joliet/New Lenox/Lockport. I am okay with this for many reasons.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
"It is only by following your deepest instinct that you can lead a rich
life, and if you let your fear of consequence prevent you from following
your deepest instinct, then your life will be safe, expedient, and
thin."
- Katherine Butler Hathaway
. . . Sometimes, I find things tucked away in my LJ right when I need them. This quotation is from nearly 3 years ago and it applies even more now. I think too much and miss out on even more simply because I'm so worried about the "what ifs". I need to change this about me and right now is the perfect time since I have to rebuild myself again.
. . . I know what my instincts say and they generally aren't wrong. I just need to listen to them more. I'm supposed to be Tiger, after all.
More importantly, those feelings of failure and inadequacy that I have need to go away. I am good at being who I am and doing what I do and should not compare myself to others. I also need to accept failure as something that happens in various circumstances. It simply means I have more growing and learning to do, not that I'm terrible at something.
- Katherine Butler Hathaway
. . . Sometimes, I find things tucked away in my LJ right when I need them. This quotation is from nearly 3 years ago and it applies even more now. I think too much and miss out on even more simply because I'm so worried about the "what ifs". I need to change this about me and right now is the perfect time since I have to rebuild myself again.
. . . I know what my instincts say and they generally aren't wrong. I just need to listen to them more. I'm supposed to be Tiger, after all.
More importantly, those feelings of failure and inadequacy that I have need to go away. I am good at being who I am and doing what I do and should not compare myself to others. I also need to accept failure as something that happens in various circumstances. It simply means I have more growing and learning to do, not that I'm terrible at something.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Today (Sunday), I visited E's church for their service. This is notable for me. I haven't willingly gone to a church service in over a decade.
I left the Baptist church when I was 12-13 years old. I dropped out of choir and stopped going to services when I realized the hipocrasy of things that were being spouted at me. I was galled that a Preacher, an ordained Man of God, was telling me that honesty and fidelity were important only to find out that he was having an affair. I questioned Christianity and started researching Wicca and Paganism. Mom had a shit-fit when she went looking through my belongings and found a book by Wiccan author Silver Ravenwolf. To Ride A Silver Broomstick, if I recall. Anyways, she and I butted heads about religion, which only sealed my opinion further.
I dabbled in Shamanism for 4-5 years and recently settled on just being tied to the elements. My personal belief system is similar to that of a Shaman, but I don't follow that exact path anymore. To give a brief explanation, I believe there is a Creator and that Creator has a committee composed of the Elements and the Fates that help them keep balance in Life. Humans are plopped on a sliding scale of Positive and Negative rather than good or bad. When we're born, we start at 0 - Neutral - but events in our lives and our upbringing shifts that one way or the other. I believe heavily in Karma and the concept of Paying it Forward. I don't need to subscribe to a specific doctrine to know that this is what's right for me; in fact, I detest organized religion.
Which is why going to church with E today was notable. For the most part, I enjoyed the service. I loved that there was a lot of music, both hymn and instrumental, and that all of the hymns sung by the congregation were promoting the concept of "Be awesome to each other and the environment". I even dug the fact that they had an organization that they did an offering for in addition to just one for the church. The church itself is open and accepting of all benevolent ideologies, which I grok. The one thing that made me wince is the concept of God. See above paragraph. I simply don't subscribe to the concept of one solo entity being in charge of everything. But that's my opinion and I do realize that my mileage may vary. Still, while it's highly unlikely that I'll become a full-blown member of E's church, visiting was a pleasant enough experience that I would go again if invited.
~ ~ ~
The whole reason I ended up at church with him to begin with is because we were going to go to the Barn Dance today at Fermi Lab, but didn't quite get there. After the service, there was a LGBT organization planning meeting that he wanted to attend, so we did. The meeting ran until just after 2pm, which is when the dance started. Instead, we wandered AmSci, then went back to his apartment (with me falling asleep in the car on the way back) and watched most of the first season of The Walking Dead. I'm not as hooked as Mestopho is, but it was good to watch and the zombies are hella cool to look at. I made it back to DeKalb roughly an hour ago and am now contemplating sleep soon.
I left the Baptist church when I was 12-13 years old. I dropped out of choir and stopped going to services when I realized the hipocrasy of things that were being spouted at me. I was galled that a Preacher, an ordained Man of God, was telling me that honesty and fidelity were important only to find out that he was having an affair. I questioned Christianity and started researching Wicca and Paganism. Mom had a shit-fit when she went looking through my belongings and found a book by Wiccan author Silver Ravenwolf. To Ride A Silver Broomstick, if I recall. Anyways, she and I butted heads about religion, which only sealed my opinion further.
I dabbled in Shamanism for 4-5 years and recently settled on just being tied to the elements. My personal belief system is similar to that of a Shaman, but I don't follow that exact path anymore. To give a brief explanation, I believe there is a Creator and that Creator has a committee composed of the Elements and the Fates that help them keep balance in Life. Humans are plopped on a sliding scale of Positive and Negative rather than good or bad. When we're born, we start at 0 - Neutral - but events in our lives and our upbringing shifts that one way or the other. I believe heavily in Karma and the concept of Paying it Forward. I don't need to subscribe to a specific doctrine to know that this is what's right for me; in fact, I detest organized religion.
Which is why going to church with E today was notable. For the most part, I enjoyed the service. I loved that there was a lot of music, both hymn and instrumental, and that all of the hymns sung by the congregation were promoting the concept of "Be awesome to each other and the environment". I even dug the fact that they had an organization that they did an offering for in addition to just one for the church. The church itself is open and accepting of all benevolent ideologies, which I grok. The one thing that made me wince is the concept of God. See above paragraph. I simply don't subscribe to the concept of one solo entity being in charge of everything. But that's my opinion and I do realize that my mileage may vary. Still, while it's highly unlikely that I'll become a full-blown member of E's church, visiting was a pleasant enough experience that I would go again if invited.
~ ~ ~
The whole reason I ended up at church with him to begin with is because we were going to go to the Barn Dance today at Fermi Lab, but didn't quite get there. After the service, there was a LGBT organization planning meeting that he wanted to attend, so we did. The meeting ran until just after 2pm, which is when the dance started. Instead, we wandered AmSci, then went back to his apartment (with me falling asleep in the car on the way back) and watched most of the first season of The Walking Dead. I'm not as hooked as Mestopho is, but it was good to watch and the zombies are hella cool to look at. I made it back to DeKalb roughly an hour ago and am now contemplating sleep soon.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Step by step, things are happening in Life that are making it interesting.
- After having a mental breakdown almost two weeks ago, I'm rebuilding walls that I need and trying to reincorporate friendships and relationships in a much more healthy way for me.
- My father was sent to the hospital last week for having excess fluid in his body. Several liters were drained and tests were run on him. Congestive heart failure, which means that I need to start squirreling away money for a trip to Alabama sometime in the future. I. . . honestly don't know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I know Dad's basically one foot in the grave. On the other, Dad hasn't been there for me at all and I still have a great deal of resentment for him for that, even if I'm okay with him in general.
- I tossed my hat in the ring for the Coach (Supervisor) in Training position at work. The interview will likely be later this week. I don't expect to get the position, but I'm certainly going to give it my all anyways. ^_^
- I made Alligators with one of E's minions on Saturday. They're time-intensive to make, but pretty fantastic all the same. I'm stupid!happy with the fact that I learned how to make something that I grew up with. And what's even more amazing is that I made homemade almond paste to go in them. Murr.
- I had the first of many meetings with our 2nd shift Operations Manager last night. These meetings will be geared towards me learning about how our operation runs and getting me more integrated in the logistics component of our facility, making me more valuable not just to my current company but to other companies down the line.
-- Related to this, he also gave me a challenge. He knows I have a lot of energy and drive to change things for the better, but, sometimes, that can brush people the wrong way, as it has in the past. His challenge to me was to take things slow and do things on a small scale; get down on a personal level with individuals or small groups and win them over that way.
~ ~ ~
I'm supposed to be attending a Family Reunion planning meeting Sunday evening. The more I think about it, the more I want to skip it. Sure, I want to help plan it, but I'm two hours away, plus Mom's going to be in Canada that weekend, so I won't have anywhere to stay at, anyways. There's also the very selfish reason that I'm spending part of the weekend with E because I don't get to see him that often. =3
I'll end up doing research on some options for various trips, one being St. Louis. Thankfully, I already have a hotel contact down there. Other options are Ypsilanti/Ann Arbor/Detroit, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis, Nashville, or the Dells. Hell, I may even find out information for Washington, D.C., New York City, or Orlando, FL. Just as ideas. xD
- After having a mental breakdown almost two weeks ago, I'm rebuilding walls that I need and trying to reincorporate friendships and relationships in a much more healthy way for me.
- My father was sent to the hospital last week for having excess fluid in his body. Several liters were drained and tests were run on him. Congestive heart failure, which means that I need to start squirreling away money for a trip to Alabama sometime in the future. I. . . honestly don't know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I know Dad's basically one foot in the grave. On the other, Dad hasn't been there for me at all and I still have a great deal of resentment for him for that, even if I'm okay with him in general.
- I tossed my hat in the ring for the Coach (Supervisor) in Training position at work. The interview will likely be later this week. I don't expect to get the position, but I'm certainly going to give it my all anyways. ^_^
- I made Alligators with one of E's minions on Saturday. They're time-intensive to make, but pretty fantastic all the same. I'm stupid!happy with the fact that I learned how to make something that I grew up with. And what's even more amazing is that I made homemade almond paste to go in them. Murr.
- I had the first of many meetings with our 2nd shift Operations Manager last night. These meetings will be geared towards me learning about how our operation runs and getting me more integrated in the logistics component of our facility, making me more valuable not just to my current company but to other companies down the line.
-- Related to this, he also gave me a challenge. He knows I have a lot of energy and drive to change things for the better, but, sometimes, that can brush people the wrong way, as it has in the past. His challenge to me was to take things slow and do things on a small scale; get down on a personal level with individuals or small groups and win them over that way.
~ ~ ~
I'm supposed to be attending a Family Reunion planning meeting Sunday evening. The more I think about it, the more I want to skip it. Sure, I want to help plan it, but I'm two hours away, plus Mom's going to be in Canada that weekend, so I won't have anywhere to stay at, anyways. There's also the very selfish reason that I'm spending part of the weekend with E because I don't get to see him that often. =3
I'll end up doing research on some options for various trips, one being St. Louis. Thankfully, I already have a hotel contact down there. Other options are Ypsilanti/Ann Arbor/Detroit, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis, Nashville, or the Dells. Hell, I may even find out information for Washington, D.C., New York City, or Orlando, FL. Just as ideas. xD
Monday, April 02, 2012
Kestra'chern
A Kestra'chern always provides what you need, not necessarily what you want. Sometimes, the two run atwixt.
But what is a Kestra'chern? In the most simple terms, they are healers. When I say healer, though, I don't mean in the way that doctors heal physical afflictions. Kestra'chern certainly can provide aid in that manner, but it goes deeper than that. The term comes originally from Mercedes Lackey's novel The Black Gryphon. Amberdrake, one of the main characters in the book, is a Kestra'chern, a type of healer that specializes more in healing the metaphysical heart and soul than the physical body. There are actual healers in the world of the novel that serve as a type of doctor.
How this specifically applies to me is that people (not all, but many) will open up to me fairly easily because they know they can trust me. I detest spreading gossip and, typically, if someone tells me something, I'm not going to repeat it unless another person needs to know about it to prevent a malicious occurrence. I'm bluntly honest; I have no problem telling someone exactly what I observe and what my opinions are. I detest sugar-coating topics. If I think you're a tool, I'm going to tell you you're a tool and why I think that.
The counterpoint to being this confidant persona is that because I'm so busy being strong for others, a lot of times, my own needs to vent and be healed get pushed to the side. And they build up until I break.
I started writing this post a few weeks ago, before I had my breakdown last Monday, and find it still applies. I've also been surprised by the fact that I've had several people tell me that, despite the fact that I'm currently sitting with all of my old wounds exposed, I am still one of the strongest people they know. I have also been reminded by someone very dear to me that I need to stop thinking so much and just do; my friends and chosen family won't walk away from me when I need them.
I don't ever think I'll not be a Kestra'chern. There are aspects of being a healer-type that are ingrained into my personality, but I will be taking a lot more time for myself to ensure I keep my balance.
But what is a Kestra'chern? In the most simple terms, they are healers. When I say healer, though, I don't mean in the way that doctors heal physical afflictions. Kestra'chern certainly can provide aid in that manner, but it goes deeper than that. The term comes originally from Mercedes Lackey's novel The Black Gryphon. Amberdrake, one of the main characters in the book, is a Kestra'chern, a type of healer that specializes more in healing the metaphysical heart and soul than the physical body. There are actual healers in the world of the novel that serve as a type of doctor.
How this specifically applies to me is that people (not all, but many) will open up to me fairly easily because they know they can trust me. I detest spreading gossip and, typically, if someone tells me something, I'm not going to repeat it unless another person needs to know about it to prevent a malicious occurrence. I'm bluntly honest; I have no problem telling someone exactly what I observe and what my opinions are. I detest sugar-coating topics. If I think you're a tool, I'm going to tell you you're a tool and why I think that.
The counterpoint to being this confidant persona is that because I'm so busy being strong for others, a lot of times, my own needs to vent and be healed get pushed to the side. And they build up until I break.
I started writing this post a few weeks ago, before I had my breakdown last Monday, and find it still applies. I've also been surprised by the fact that I've had several people tell me that, despite the fact that I'm currently sitting with all of my old wounds exposed, I am still one of the strongest people they know. I have also been reminded by someone very dear to me that I need to stop thinking so much and just do; my friends and chosen family won't walk away from me when I need them.
I don't ever think I'll not be a Kestra'chern. There are aspects of being a healer-type that are ingrained into my personality, but I will be taking a lot more time for myself to ensure I keep my balance.
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