Move Along

"Move Along" - The All-American Rejects

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your

Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

(Speak to me)
When all you gotta keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know ya do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong
We move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong
we move along (along)
Along (along)
Along (along)
Along

When all you gotta keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through (just to make it through)

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do (I know you do)
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)

Right back what is wrong
We move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

~ ~ ~

It's been a while since I posted lyrics. Have a song that helps me when I feel caught up in Life's challenges.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not always the bouncy, happy (sometimes annoyingly so ;-P) Tiger that everyone knows me as. I have days where my doubts come in and smack me upside the head and make me want to run away from everyone and everything. Monday was one of those such days.

I'm still feeling more than a little broken and sore, but I'm alive and still in the rat race. I know there are others out there worse off than myself, but I also know better than to invalidate my own emotions. A good chunk of the emotions have been working themselves out, but there's still bits and pieces (namely those where I feel like my chibi Tiger cub self are going "hey, don't forget about me over here") that I'm still working to squash out. It's not entirely easy. And some of that squashing hurts. All I ask is for a bit of patience and the occasional reminder that I'm not being forgotten.

I'm alive. Just very busy.

In fact, I'm walking out the door momentarily after tossing some clothes in an overnight bag since I'm heading down to Kankakee tonight after work.

By all rights and means, the party on Friday night was successful. Low key, lots of fun with lots of awesome people. Arguably, though, my favorite part of the night was having a very sleepy E and a very content Kitten both curl up with me on the couch and use my shoulders as pillows. I love both people very much.

Towards the end of last night, I hit a mental wall because I was so tired. It was a good day. Busy, but good.

Six Words from KiwiHunter on LJ + Dad + Trans (Or, 8 Things Make A Post)

I snagged six words to write about from kiwihunter8. Want your own words? Leave me a comment to let me know. My words:
Technology
Disney movies
Falafel
Soft fabrics
Jello
Blacksmithing

Technology
Oh, Technology. From a young age, I've been inclined towards tech. I've always lusted after the newest and best tech, even though my wallet says I can only afford something that's a version or two "out of date". I've also got a "Talent" for fixing machines. From the school computers to the POS systems at work to security systems, I am geek and I fix things. Working on tech challenges me to use all of my problem solving and critical thinking skills, and it's just plain fun.

Disney Movies
Generally, I like them. There's not too much to say here, honestly. My favorite growing up was The Little Mermaid, though I've grown out of it. Not sure what my favorite movie is at this point. Since Pixar movies now count, too, since it's Disney-Pixar, I'd argue that It's a tie between Wall-E and Mulan.

Falafel
Oh, tasty orbs of Middle Eastern grainy goodness. I tried them for the first time a couple of years ago at a small Middle Eastern fast food restaurant that's on Rt. 59 near Bartlett. Since then, I've loved them. Crunchy, creamy (if they're made right) on the inside with a buttery, slightly sweet flavor from the chickpeas. Nom! More recently, since I've moved back to DeKalb, I've made a special treat out of going to Pita Pete's for a Falafel Pita. Tzatziki, lots of romaine lettuce, corn, Feta or Cheddar cheese, red onion, olive, mushroom, and a healthy amount of both mayo and honey mustard. For me, delicious foodgasm. <3

Soft Fabrics
Also known as "pet me" fabrics. I must say, I love the feel of stretchy silk. I own a couple of nice boxers made of these (usually reserved for "I'm feeling sexy" days) and they make me purr. Also included in this category is soft, pliant, sometimes sueded leather. Suede does not always make it soft. What makes leather soft is how pliable it is.

Jello
They say that "everyone loves Jello". Not so much for big stripey cats. Jello makes me think of geriatric residences and hospitals, honestly. It can be really good if it's made right, but most times, I honestly avoid it unless I make it. Mandarin oranges in it are tasty, though. =3

Blacksmithing
Chalk this up as one of those things that I would really love to do, but lack the financial resources to do anything with. Whenever I go to Bristol Renaissance Faire, I always drool over the Blacksmith and the Forge. Not because of the Blacksmith himself, but because of the craft. It combines two things that I lean towards naturally: fire and steel. Suffice to say that I have an appreciation for the craft.

~ ~ ~

Dad
This morning, I woke up to an e-mail and writing on my FaceBook wall from my dad. He wished me a happy birthday. The fact that he not only wrote on FaceBook, but also e-mailed me means he really wanted to make sure I got the message. He's trying to repair things. Nevermind that he's two days early. He put forth the effort to make sure I got a message in two venues. For all of the issues I have with him not being there for me, my siblings, and our mothers while we were growing up, this makes me smile a little.

Would I run into his arms if I saw him again? Not likely. I mean, the last time I physically saw him was the first time I went to RCFM, in 2006. I stayed at a hotel in Bessemer when I went for my interview in 2009 and didn't tell him I was there.

But I still have to give the man credit for trying to be involved, at least a little bit, in my life these days. Hell, I have siblings I've never met yet, though we all keep in contact via FaceBook. My sisters are all strong, beautiful women, and my brother is a strong and handsome man. I'll be honest in that I feel like the ugly duckling among them, mostly because I'm still maturing into the handsome swan I'm meant to be.

Trans
Now, you may be wondering "why is that crazy cat bringing up the term 'transgendered'?" For the past several years, I haven't quite embraced the term and role for "female". Senior year of high school (and probably a little bit before then), I started rethinking my image of self. At first, I embraced my sexuality -- women were more my cup of tea. The summer between graduation and going to NIU, I started looking up how to pack and bind. Kankakee is not the place to reinvent yourself because of the town's conservative nature; less so if you and your family are well-known. Freshman year at NIU, I performed in drag for the first time. I looked good as a boy. That was also the first time in my Life I had met anyone who was transgender and was explained the concept.

Off and on the past few years, I've been toying with the concept of male!Samii. A few years back, I built it into Samii's persona that he could shape-and-gender-shift to fit my own sliding image. More and more, as I became more accepting of my duality and the slow shift into male headspace, Samii turned from sleek and sexy Tigress to lithe and handsome Tiger. At this point, I get most if, not all, of my artwork done of male!Samii because I view myself as this ball of masculine Tiger. This is important because Samii has evolved with me, his steps matching my own, even though the character is 10 years older than me. So, the past few months, I've been muddling through my brain, talking with several friends and playfulkitten89.

What we figured out is that I'm non-Op FtM. Why non-Op? One simple reason: Why fix what isn't physically broken? I have enough natural testosterone floating through my body at the moment that I don't see the need to take supplemental. I've long joked that my body is built like a boy's, too (I'm big-boned, tall, and my weight shifts like theirs). I bind most days, pack occasionally, and it makes me smile when I get addressed with male pronouns. I haven't crossed the Bathroom Bridge, and I'm not quite sure how to navigate that one as well as with work proper and family. Work's got single stall ones in the office area, so a lot of times, I'll migrate there. And I got sidetracked. I'm non-Op because I have no desire to change my body and I have a strict personal policy on not going for surgery unless it's to save my life. That's literally the only reason I would go under the knife. I've avoided it thus far. No broken bones or anything. I also don't know what I'm going to do yet about my ID and birth cert. Probably not anything until Mom's passed away, honestly. But that may change after I have a very frank discussion with her about wanting to ID male full time. We shall see.

I don't mean to invalidate anyone else's experience or words, as there have been others that have had things much harder than I have or ever will, but this is me.

I quipped on FaceBook last night about becoming proficient in writing up accident paperwork. Sad and scary as it is, it's true. Where I once floundered over how to do them and such, not so much now. I personally give the associates an explanation of our process before we go through it so they know what to expect. It's what I expect, so I try and do that for them. How they respond to it is different for every associate, but at least I'm giving them an honest answer. I don't know what level of corrective action will occur, as that's determined during the Safety Incident Review, but I do try to ease their mind about it. Mostly, I just tell them to be honest and open about the incident.

What brought this on is that I wrote up paperwork for a near miss last night that, had the associate impacted not ducked when they did, I would have been calling the New Lenox EMS team in addition to doing everything else. I need to check in with the associate tonight, too, to see how they are. The incident dropped me back into Supervisor/First Responder headspace, which I haven't been in in too long. Calm, compassionate, and rational.

I can't remember what happened last year, but my first year at New Lenox, I called the ambulance for an associate on my birthday proper. This year, it was a near miss that almost injured an associate two days before my birthday vacation... And looked back. Nothing at work, but my birthday proper was nothing less than entertaining (not entirely in a good way) last year. Yeah.

Sometimes, Tigers need a clue-by-four to remind them to stay balanced.

I have this terrible habit of becoming married to my job and placing my relationships second, even when I'm living with a partner. This becomes further complicated when my romantic interests are at a number that is greater than one. Kitten and I watched "Eat Pray Love" on Saturday and discussed our relationship. Recently, I've been bad about showing her affection, love, and attention just because Life (mainly work) has been getting in the way and it's been pushed to the side.

Something that's unique about Kitten and I's relationship is that she's not polyamorous, but I am. I told her that when we started dating and have reminded her of it occasionally throughout our relationship. She's not thrilled about it, but she doesn't try to change that part of me. Instead, we're talking and working through it so it's not a deal-breaker for either of us. The going is slow and tedious, but it's what's needed even though I'm far from patient.

The big crux of everything for Kitten is that she needs to be reminded that she is the top priority in my relationships, which she is. Traditionally, I eschew poly hierarchy because Emotion can't tell the difference between a primary and secondary partner (I love them both the same). Reason knows there's a hierarchy simply based on how my life intertwines with my partners. Primary partners are typically ones that you share living space, bills, and general day-to-day miasma. Secondary partners are typically ones that don't share all of the craziness of the daily household. Typically. There are always exceptions to the rule and, of course, your mileage may vary. No relationship sticks to hard and fast rules; they are ever-changing as they grow. I'm constantly learning things about my partners, which constantly change the rules.

Speaking of change, my manager, C, just recently visited a store on an Audit Day. He said that the auditor reminded him very much of me in terms of personality and mannerism. But, moreover, he gave me a new carrot to dangle in front of my muzzle when he explained the role of a Store Auditor. The current regional auditor travels between 300 stores, covering at least 2 per day and spends 3-4 hours interacting with management and associates. Now, for me, this would be good. It serves two purposes: getting me out of the dead-end track for DC LP and gets me engaged and moving again. This is fundamental to how I work. If I have a goal at work, I will work harder and smarter at everything to achieve this goal. C is arguably both my biggest supporter and my biggest critic. He is the only manager I have ever trusted enough to open up to, both personally and professionally, and he has not betrayed that trust. And I'm not gonna lie. January and February have been HARD at work. There were times I was so frustrated that I wanted to break down and cry or storm out and leave. I didn't, obviously. But, looking back, it's also very obvious that I need to re-evaluate the energy I'm expending at work. A lot of it goes unappreciated. The associates are honestly what keep me sane and coming back. Also, our HR Manager is pretty sobering. She's pretty cool about me going to her with questions about professional development.

Another point of balance is my apartment. Kitten and I hunkered down on Sunday and cleaned up most of the front room. That was causing me a great deal of grief because we had her stuff pulled out to work on and sort through, but Life kept getting in the way. Yesterday, we got 'er done. We have pictures hanging up throughout our apartment now, too, which makes me happy. Right above my desk is the picture the Harem commissioned for me at MFF. In our bedroom is one of the pictures that E did for Kitten and I (I still need to get a few more of them printed). In the living room is my 4 Tenets poster (Honesty, Integrity, Strength, Courage) and Kitten's skittle painting she got at MFF. My swords are also here finally, which provides me as a swordsman a focal point for energy.

Overall, as I approach the ripe old age of 26, I'm working on re-balancing my life so that it has room for two partners (Kitten and E), a possible advancement in my career, and time for me to run Waystation FurCon, as well as do a few other things to keep me sane (like leatherwork)! In general, though, I also recognize that I'm in a good place. Even if it's not where I want to be, it's where I need to be.

A few years back, my friend Posi and I started talking about the "what if" factor of a group of our friends moving in together on a good sized plot of land. Between that and my own bit of daydreaming about living with both of my partners, I came up with the above image in my mind and transferred it to Photoshop.

The plot of four in the center is a garden where we can grow vegetables, herbs, and fruit. Surrounding that is a gravel path that branches off to one of four houses and four corners of the property. In theory, more houses could be built on each of the four corners. The brown squares represent the four houses. Behind them are four green rectangles that are fenced in white. Those are meant to represent yards for each of the houses.

If I had my way, I would happily build this community in a forest. Then again, I also have this dream of living far enough away from society that I could fully embrace some of the more exotic interests I have, yet living close enough that I could still work and provide a comfortable lifestyle for my family.

Taking a few moments from my day to update.

- Started back taking my blood sugar and diabetes meds yesterday
- Started on the Naturally Slim diet yesterday.
- Pinged some friends who are doing the paleo diet for information. (Will likely transition to paleo at the end of Naturally Slim.)
- Started back going through my LPQ course this morning.
- I think there's a challenge between myself, Chris, and Tony to see who lands in better shape. I'm... okay with this.

It's going to be sunny and near 60 degrees today. Not quite shorts weather, but I can tell you that I'm going to spend an hour outside today doing my exterior walk in the beautiful weather. Me-yow!

Currently both laundry and dishes are humming along and I'm going to introduce Kitten to my favorite DeKalb restaurant later this morning. Nom, Pita Pete's!

Now, back to working on the LPQ! Instead of Waystation today, I'm doing leatherwork. I really want to finish my harness. =3

Waystation

I had started a post last night about the term Kestra'chern, which is something I identify with despite it being a fictional term. Instead, I want to write about Waystation FurCon, the convention that I'm the Chairperson for.

Sometime over the summer of 2011, my friend Spectrum and I were lamenting that a con that we love dearly is, for lack of a better term, failing and the leadership is resistant to change that will improve the con and bring in new membership. We both have great ideas for how to run a convention, so we get to talking about where we'd have it at and what we'd call it. St. Louis doesn't have a furry con currently, so why not form a con in the middle of the year in the middle of the country? We decided on May, regarded as the "middle of the year" in the US Furry Con circuit. It's 6 months away from MFF, the major convention for the Midwest, and doesn't land on Memorial Day weekend, which is a major holiday shared with a couple different conventions.

Waystation is one of the many things that is keeping me sane. I've realized in recent months, when I'm not working on a serious project outside of work, I spin up into a discordant tizzy and it's not good for those around me. Leading the Waystation Team is also giving me the practical knowledge I need to develop my leadership skills since my real life job isn't meeting my needs in that department. What I've realized, especially recently, is that I already have the practical knowledge to be a supervisor, imparted from my years in high school as the Student Director of our plays and musicals and my years as Rocket City FurMeet's Volunteer Coordinator. I just got the wind knocked out of my sails for a bit.

But we're steadily moving. If you've ever been around me, my motto in recent months has been "I'm in the business of making things happen". And I am. If you can get my full support behind a concept or idea, I -will- ensure that it happens somehow. That's why Waystation has most of its staff positions filled already with good people who will be an asset to the con. I just need to get everyone talking more. =P

This con will be successful. We have over a year leading up to our first event, which means we'll have the time to smooth out any bumps that may come up. I've seen what rushing can do and I refuse to see that done to Waystation.

As for why we chose "Waystation" for the name of our con, we're in the middle of the country and the middle of the year. A waystation is traditionally known as a point in a journey that you can rest and recover before continuing on your way. The idea is that Waystation will have a balance of energy and relaxation that will benefit our attendees.

A Number of Things Make a Post

Or instances (people, places, or things) that currently make Samii a very happy stripey-cat in no particular order:
- My Kittenlove
- My foxboy
- A renewed understanding between my manager and I
- The promise of considerably warmer weather later this month
- When at my foxboy's apartment, feeling very much like I can call it "home"
- Making slow, but steady progress on Kitten and I's apartment
- Solidifying plans to see my best friend and call my element (fire) during her handfasting to her wife
- Devouring a new piece of material, albeit by audiobook

Most importantly, this week has enabled me to come home with a clear mind and a renewed focus on what's important to me. In theory, this should enable me to realign myself.

On my commute in to work on Tuesday, I had the strong desire/want to grab Kitten, grab E, and go driving somewhere with both of them. Repeating the Rt. 66 drive was the top candidate on the list.  Why? Why not? I wanted to spend time with both of my partners outside of the bedroom and outside of our normal worries where there would be no competition with our schedules and we could just be. I have some of the most amazing (and silly) conversations with both Kitten and E when we're just sitting around talking (this is, in fact, I've realized, one of the many reasons I love both of them). And I wanted to show them both something that is special and unique to me, even through its normalcy in our world.

And I suppose this is where that post I was supposed to write back in October comes out. To be fair, I haven't driven the part of Route 66 that leads from Joliet to Chicago. And I started my drive in Plainfield since Rt. 59 is part of it. But once I got out on the road, the next 9 hours opened my eyes to the beauty that is rural Illinois. I started my drive at 7 or 8 in the morning. When I left town, most everything on the route was closed. I stopped and took pictures anytime I thought there was a picture worth taking. I even got lost for a few minutes in Pontiac. I stopped for a few minutes just a few hundred feet outside of the nuclear plant in Braidwood to take pictures of the site (I'm fascinated by nuclear energy and nuclear disasters -- Chernobyl is my pet subject as well as tornadoes). I stopped and talked with an older woman at the first open mini-museum I stopped at and signed my name in a guest book there. I marveled at all of the small wonders of Illinois (including a hare the size of a shih tzu). And then I got to St. Louis. The actual bridge that is part of Rt. 66 has long since been closed to motorized traffic, but I walked a good third of the way across it to take pictures of St. Louis and of Illinois from where I was standing. Satisfied in my journey, I drove across town to the Bad Dog Bar and Grill. Now, as a transmasculine dyke walking into a leather bar in St. Louis, I had no idea how I was going to be received. It was a quiet night, and some of the locals were about. I asked if an acquaintance of mine was in (he wasn't), and made small talk with the bartender and the guy who sat next to me. I ordered a burger and sweet potato fries that were out of this world and cheap. I stayed for far longer than I had planned, and I didn't want to leave. Suffice to say that I look forward to visiting them again. I drove back via I-55. That drive took me just over 4 hours and I stumbled back to bed exhausted, but fully content. I took some (to me) amazing pictures, met some pretty awesome people, and had some really tasty food. In Illinois!

So, yeah. Some summer weekend, I want to make plans with them to get up early and drive. It'll be green and beautiful again soon. Maybe we'll go in early June, when it hasn't gotten too hot yet and we can have the windows and the sunroof open?

Monday, Monday

Monday morning, I woke up and reconnected with Kitten on many levels. It's been a very long time, mostly due to stress and lack of time, that we've found time for each other to just be. There's also the fact that this past weekend was one of growth for our relationship and us as individuals, and we needed the subtle healing that time to be affords.

This was, of course, before it was time for us to get ready for work. Once I started putting on my uniform and left the house, I felt a sense of dread similar to the day after I had spent many hours fighting with both my girlfriend at the time and my boss at the time over my lack of stability and focus in both job and relationship and knew that I had failed at both. That sore and sordid tale has been told many times and doesn't need to be repeated now. Suffice to say that it was me at my most unquestionably lowest point to date.

However, the start of Monday's shift didn't have the overarching cloud of doom. I went in, grabbed my notepad (hm, I need a new one soon) and jotted down things I wanted to discuss with my manager. The balance between my job responsibilities and my projects, the frequency of my projects, the lack of direction in my projects with the exception of my ongoing one, the lack of understanding he and our Director have about how long it takes to do things, and the fact that I feel like I'm not having my needs met in line with my Individual Development Plan (IDP) goals. The discussion was productive. He agreed that we need to meet halfway to accomplish things and he needs to provide clear direction. We understand each other's perspective a lot better and I basically told him that I never want to feel like throwing my badge down and walking out like I did on Friday. I should never feel that frustrated with work.

On the other hand, what I'm not getting from work in terms of leadership development, I am getting from running Waystation FurCon. Networking, leadership, time management. The whole shebang. It should be a good experience.

And thus ends my first shift tour of duty. 2 hours early, no less.

I hate leaving work pissed off and frustrated. The day didn't start off too well, either, with C starting a small argument with me over one of our procedures. To his credit, he apologized for that one. Admittedly, I would have not been nearly as pissed off about getting off earlier if it had been communicated earlier in the morning. Instead, it seemed very last minute and it meant that an audit that I had scheduled time to complete today got pushed over to K, one of my coworkers. That was what initially pissed me off since K's the one who told me, and it spiraled from there.

This is in contrast to the wonderful evening with E last night. Lots of talking about random things and listening to music. I was hating the fact that I had a 1:30 AM wake up call this morning since I was enjoying the conversations and didn't want to leave (in fact, I delayed my departure by an hour and a half because of this). However, Kitten came in and snuggled with me for a bit when she got home from work before going to watch TV. So, yeah.

Right now, I'm less pissed off than I was when I got home, but I'm still sore and tense from being angry. I feel burned out as a result and am looking forward to my birthday weekend. 5 days off from work (including the weekend) and time spent with loved ones. I was also aching for the drive to Huntsville like no other today. I'm not going to RCFM this year, but damned if I don't wish I was. I miss the feeling of pure euphoria that driving through the mountains and down south at the beginning of spring gives me.

Love Through Music

As I mentioned before, there are two compilations of songs I'm putting together. One for Kitten, my fiancé, and one for E, my lover. Especially right now, I'm at a loss for words for adequately expressing how both of these people have impacted my Life for the better. This is nothing new, though. They both make me happy in their own ways that complement each other and me, and I really couldn't ask for better folks to be involved with, even if Life is insane at times. Below each song title are parts of the lyrics that I feel apply to the person and relationship the song was picked for. At this point, I'm going to omit explanations of why the lyrics apply. Some of them are pretty self-explanatory.

Music For A Kitten:
"Getting Lucky (With You)" - The Chipettes (The Chipmunk Adventure)
Boy I really love you
with my heart and soul
honey won't you take me
where I want to go

"Love Drunk" - Boys Like Girls
Top down in the summer sun
The day we met was like a hit and run
And I still taste it on my tongue
(Taste it on my tongue)
The sky was burning up like fireworks
You made me want you oh so bad it hurts 

"I Got You" - Thompson Square
I don't need a big ole house, full of stuff
What my arms are wrapped around, that's enough
Your morning smile, your kiss goodnight
And everything's alright

"Love Will Do That" - Darius Rucker
Made the old moon burn brighter
Led to all-nighters
Made sleeping a thing of the past
Love will do that
Love will do that

"Hold My Hand" - Hootie and the Blowfish
With a little love and some tenderness
We'll walk upon the water
We'll rise above the mess
With a little peace and some harmony
We'll take the world together
We'll take 'em by the hand 

"Your Love Is My Drug" - Ke$ha
What you got, boy, is hard to find
I think about it all the time
I'm all strung out, my heart is fried
I just can't get you off my mind

Because your love, your love, your love is my drug
Your love, your love, your love
I said your love, your love, your love is my drug
Your love, your love, your love

"It Girl" - Jason Derulo
You could be my it girl
Baby you're the shit girl
Lovin' you could be a crime
Crazy how we fit girl
This is it girl

Give me 25 to life
I just wanna rock all night long
And put you in the middle of my spotlight
You could be my it girl
You're my biggest hit girl

"Moves Like Jagger" - Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera
I don’t need to try to control you
Look into my eyes
And I’ll own you
With the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger
I’ve got the moves like Jagger

"Please Don't Go" - Mike Posner
Baby, please don't go
If I wake up tomorrow, will you still be here?
I don't know
If you feel the way I do
If you leave I'm gonna find you

"We Found Love" - Rihanna
Shine a light through an open door
Love and life I will divide
Turn away cause I need you more
Feel the heartbeat in my mind

"The Love Cats" - The Cure
So wonderfully, wonderfully
Wonderfully, wonderfully pretty
Oh, you know that I'd do
Anything for you
We should have each other to tea, huh?
We should have each other with cream
Then curl up in the fire and sleep for awhile
It's the grooviest thing, It's the perfect dream

"This" - Darius Rucker *

Like the girl that I loved in high school
Who said she could do better
Or that college I wanted to go to
'Til I got that letter

All the fights and the tears and the heartache
I thought I'd never get through
And the moment I almost gave up
All lead me here to you

I didn't understand it way back when
But sitting here right now it all makes perfect sense

"Who Loves Who More" - Thompson Square
Who loves who more
You say you do
I say I do
You say that's true
But baby who's keeping score
Cause I win and you win
When it's who loves who more

"Love You Like A Love Song" - Selena Gomez and The Scene
 No one compares,
You stand alone, to every record I own.
Music to my heart that's what you are,
A song that goes on and on.

"Tonight" - Sugarland
 A lifetime for a day
Would be an even trade
No price I wouldn't pay
For your heart love
I know how it feels to breath
With you beside me
I think about it always

"Hero/Heroine" - Boys Like Girls
And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
(Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?)
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

"Two Is Better Than One" - Boys Like Girls feat Taylor Swift
I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey
You know this could be something
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

"Would You Go With Me?" - Josh Turner
 If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Let me know if you're really a dream
I love you so, so would you go with me

"Southern State of Mind" - Darius Rucker
You can see it in the clothes I wear, you can hear it when I talk
Ball cap, boots and jeans and a little southern drawl
I could be up in Ohio or back home in Caroline
No matter what state I'm in
I'm in a southern state of mind

"As Lovers Go" - Dashboard Confessional
I'll be true, I'll be useful...
I'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
And I'll belong to you...
If you'll just let me through.
This is easy as lovers go,
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
And this is wonderful as loving goes,
This is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

"Only Wanna Be With You" - Hootie and the Blowfish
Well there's nothing I can do
I only wanna be with you
You can call me your fool
I only wanna be with you
Yeah I'm tangled up in blue
I only wanna be with you

"Stereo Hearts" - Gym Class Heroes feat. Adam Levine
I only pray you'll never leave me behind
Because good music can be so hard to find
I'll take your hand and hold it closer to mine
Thought love was dead, but now you're changing my mind


Music For A Fox:
"This" - Darius Rucker *
I don't really know how I got here
But I'm sure glad that I did
And it's crazy to think that one little thing
Could've changed all of it

Maybe it didn't turn out like I planned
Maybe that's why I'm such, such a lucky man

"When Your Mind's Made Up" - The Swell Season
When your mind's made up
When your mind's made up
There's no point trying to change it
When your mind's made up
When your mind's made up
There's no point trying to stop it

"Your Body Is A Wonderland" - John Mayer
There's something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it

"Closer" - Ne-Yo
I can feel her on my skin
I can taste her on my tongue
She's the sweetest taste of sin
The more I got the more I want

"Phantom of the Opera" - Nightwish (Cover)
And in this labyrinth
Where night is blind
The Phantom of the Opera is there/here
Inside your/my mind

"Crash Into Me" - Dave Matthews Band
Who's got their claws
in you my friend
Into your heart I'll beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock
and sweet you roll

"Chasing Cars" - Snow Patrol
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

"Faster" - Matt Nathanson
You're so delicious
You're so soft
Sweet on the tip of my tongue
You taste like sunlight
And strawberry bubble gum

You bite my lip
You spike my blood
You make my heart beat faster

"Satellite" - Natalie Imbruglia
Theres something in the air tonight
That feels right
But you're keeping me guessing and Im-
finding it hard to catch your eye
So move a little closer
Its alright
I know what you're thinking
You've been circling me for a while

"Amiga Veneno" - Zacarías Ferrería
Lyrics will be posted once I find my translations... -_-; The song basically talks about a young man's dream lover who enters his room.

"Delicate" - Damien Rice
We might kiss
When we are alone
When nobody's watchin'
We might take it home
We might make out
When nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

"Portions For Foxes" - Rilo Kiley
There's a pretty young thing in front of you
And she's real pretty
And she's real into you
And then she's sleeping inside of you
And the talking leads to touching
And the touching leads to sex

"As You Sleep" - Something Corporate
Close your eyes, and I will be swimming
Lullabies fill your room, and I will be singing
Singing to only you
Don't forget I'll hold your hand
Watch the night sky fading red

"Into The Night" - Santana feat. Chad Kroeger
No room left to move in between you and I,
We forgot where we were and we lost track of time,
And we sang to the wind as we danced through the night,

"Another Day" - RENT Soundtrack
The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

"Hands Open" - Snow Patrol
It's not as easy as willing it all to be right
Gotta be more than hoping it's right
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me, tired with joy

"Cannonball" - Damien Rice
There's still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can't say what's going on

"Domino" - Jessie J
You got me losing my mind
My heart beats out of time
I'm seeing Hollywood stars
You strum me like a guitar

I can taste the tension like a cloud of smoke in the air
Now I'm breathing like I'm running, 'cause you're taking me there
Don't you know... you spin me out of control?

"Watch The Sky" - Something Corporate
You live the life you're given with the storms outside
And some days all I do is watch the sky

* A note about the song "This" by Darius Rucker:
 I was introduced to this song by Kitten in late 2011 when we went to see Darius Rucker headline at the NIU Convocation Center. Shortly after the concert, I went looking up lyrics (I always listen to a song's lyrics the first time I hear it, but, being at a concert, I couldn't really research at that time) and found that I liked them a lot and they "fit" with Kitten and I's relationship. Enter Echo/E/The Boy. As things have progressed with him, I've found parts of the song fitting with the relationship with him, as well. Hence the reason it's on both his and Kitten's compilation mixes.

I constantly say I'm very lucky to have both of them in my Life, and it's true. Each relationship individually and both together are works in progress, constantly developing and changing to fit our Lives, but, at least from my vantage point, things work. This is not to say that walking this path has been easy -- it hasn't. There has been a lot of discussion and a lot of negotiation, and still much more to come in the future, I'm certain, as various needs, desires, and wants come up.

Still...

For every stoplight I didn't make
Every chance I did or I didn't take
All the nights I went too far
All the girls that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank God for all I missed
Cause it led me here to this


Entry cross-posted to LiveJournal.

It's the last 5 minutes of my break and I figured I'd stumble on here for a smallish update.

- I'm still working on the giant music/lyric post, so that's still coming.
- Work has been kicking my tail 5 ways from Sunday with the hours. I just keep telling myself that I have now three days left of this morning shift business to deal with.
- I'm feeling a bit productive today, so I'm going home and organizing the front room. There are several boxes that need to be put in the garage, things that need to come in from the garage, and I just want my apartment organized somewhat.
- Looking forward to seeing E on Thursday.
- Looking forward to Friday since it's my last day on first shift for a very long while. I can't wait to go back to having more time by working my normal shift.
- I need to crawl down to Kankakee and ask my doctor very, very nicely if she'll write a prescription for one of the diabetes meds I'm supposed to be taking. And call in the refill on my existing prescriptions. =3 If I'm gonna do this whole jumping back into my health thing, I'm gonna do it right.

Mreh. For as much as I enjoy celebrating Valentine's Day, it has been just another day for me. I went to work, got irritated and frustrated with things going on there, and bought toilet paper on the way home.

However, in typical Tiger fashion, I did do something. There are two compilation mixes sitting in Windows Media Player that I still need to tweak, there are homemade truffles for folks, and cards were picked out (I should have just made my own; it's not like I'm not an artist).

Music is a very important part of my Life, and that's something that carries over to my relationships. When I get more time, I'll post links to the songs in each compilation (one for Kitten and one for E) and the lyrics that relate to each partner. For now, I need to stumble to bed before I have folks chastising me for not getting enough sleep.

~ ~ ~

“The happiest moments my heart knows are those in which it is pouring forth its affections to a few esteemed characters.” 

~ Thomas Jefferson

Valentine's treats have been made, one of two cards has been delivered, and I'm ridiculously happy with Life, even if work can take a flying leap some days.

You know your partners care about you when one tucks you into bed and the other threatens to drive down and make you go to bed because you need rest. Simply put, my partners, Kitten and E, are awesome and I appreciate them both keeping an eye on me.

Tiger's Chana Masala

So, last Friday, work had a chili cookoff. Now, if you know me, you know I have an affinity for Indian food and have a primarily vegetarian diet. So, when work said that we can make vegetarian chili, I knew what I would be making: my version of chana masala, an Indian chickpea chili/stew. I actually documented how much of each ingredient I used this time, so I have a guideline that works for my tastes. The only thing I didn't like about this batch is that the chickpeas didn't get soft, so the chili has a bit of a crunch still. I know for next time and it tastes right, though.

Ingredients:
2 Tbsp. Chopped Garlic
2 Medium Sweet Onions (I used Vidalias), Chopped Finely
2 28oz cans Crushed Tomatoes
2 12 oz. packs of ready-cook garbanzo beans (Canned can be used, too.)
1 Tbsp. Coriander Powder
3 Tbsp. Garam Masala
16 oz. Water
1/2 c. Sugar
2 Tbsp. Olive Oil

Instructions:
1. Prepare chickpeas according to their packaging (If using canned, skip this step.)
2. In a medium-sized frying pan on medium heat, heat the olive oil. Once it has gotten hot, add the onions and garlic. Cook them until soft/slightly brown from frying.
3. Once the onion and garlic are where you need them to be, add the garam masala and coriander powder. Stir them together and form them into a paste-like consistency.
4. In a separate pot (I suggest using a dutch oven or slow cooker), add the crushed tomatoes and garbanzo beans, stirring them over medium heat.
5. Once the tomato and garbanzo bean mixture is heated thoroughly, add the onion-garlic-spice mixture and stir to incorporate.
6. Add the sugar and water, and stir to combine.
7. Turn the heat down to medium low, cover, and let cook. Stir occasionally. This can be left on for as little as an hour up to four hours. I suggest letting it cook for the entire four hours to let the flavors meld better.

Serve with naan or any other "classic" chili toppings. When I made this last, I used mashed potatoes, cheese, and sour cream!

Happy eats!