Run

I have very mixed feelings about this song. Well, the one that Matt Nathanson and Jennifer Nettles perform, anyways (Snow Patrol's "Run" is a solid "I like it") . I love the music and the way that their voices mesh seamlessly. However, I don't particularly care for the lyrics. Depending on how you interpret the lyrics, it could mean that the relationship is either: a) a result of infidelity, or b) just simply unhealthy.

Still, it's a song that I like and that's associated with someone. Multiple someones, actually, if I think about its varying interpretations.

Anyways, here's the song. . .

. . . And Lyrics:
"Run" - Matt Nathanson feat. Sugarland

[Verse 1 (Matt):]
I wanna watch you undress
I wanna watch you glow
Let your hair down
All around, cover us both
You come in a wave
We crash and we roll
You surround me, pull me, drown me, swallow me whole

[Chorus (Both):]
You turn, turn, turn, turning me on

Like a slow fire burn 

Know that it's wrong

Still I run, run, run, run right into you

Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you

[Verse 2 (Jennifer):]
You pull me in close

You buckle my knees

I shake and I shiver just to feel you breathe

You trace my lines


(You trace your lines)

Stirring my soul

Shoot sparks at the heart of the world and I watch it explode
 (I watch you, I watch you)

[Chorus (Both):]
You turn, turn, turn, turning me on

Like a slow fire burn 

Know that it's wrong

Still I run, run, run, run right into you

Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you

[Hook:]
[Matt]
I’m amazing when you’re beside me
I am so much more

[Jennifer]
And I feel your fingers
Pound like thunder
I am so much more

[Matt]
So much more

[Chorus (Both):]
Turn, turn, turn, turning me on

Like a slow fire burn 

Know that it's wrong

Still I run, run, run, run right into you

Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you

Turn, turn, turn, turning me on

Like a slow fire burn 

Know that it's wrong

Still I run, run, run, run right into you

Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you
Still I run, run, run, run right back to you

[Jennifer]
Turning me on

[Matt]
Like a slow fire burn

Dare I say it, but I am completely happy right now.

- My car refinance loan got approved. That's nearly $100/month I can put towards other things.
- My car insurance dropped by roughly $20/month (I make 4 payments and have 2 months without every 6 months).
- Britt and I saw a place this morning that we both like. It's close to her job and close to the interstate for me. We're going to our lender's office tomorrow to get the pre-approval letter. Hoping to close the last week of July. This may mean that camping may not happen for us, but we'll go to Faire and meet with folks on Sunday.
- My credit rating dropped all of 1 point over the past 2 months. This makes me incredibly happy. Actually, it dropped, then came back up. Still. Not much changed. =D
- Saw Sugarland in concert on Saturday with Britt and her mom. Loved the energy of the concert. No malice whatsoever and I pretty much danced the entire time. Was up until 2:30am, though, between IHop with Britt and her mom and prepping for Pride. Also, pretty much all of the songs I voted for got played at the concert. They even played "Run", which is a Matt Nathanson duet with Jennifer Nettles.
- Went to the Pride parade on Sunday. I still hate drunks. Loud drunks make me a cranky tiger. Had a really good time going with Erik and one of his minions, though. And we even got to see Nina before we left town! =D
- I got to see Nina. She's one of my best friends, and for good reason. Many months may go by between us talking, but we always pick up where we left off without missing a beat. And she's part of my friend-family. ^_^
- Erik still manages to amaze and impress me. He's got this unflappable confidence that he plays down in a very cat-like "I meant to do that" manner that is charming. I also really like when I get to hear snippets about his Life, family, and things that interest him. He's incredibly knowledgeable about a variety of things that I'm not, so I enjoy listening to him.

So, yes. Happy Tiger is happy. <3

In the rare moments when I get to drive with the window down on a 75-degree night and the sky is clear of clouds and full of stars, I feel more myself. I am very much a child of the night sky and the wonder that the stars hold.

I saw two shooting stars tonight on the way home, and made a wish on each. We'll see if my wishes come true...

In the old days before I had a 40+ hour per week job and I had my afternoons free, on days like today, I would grab my wallet and a water bottle, make sure my tires were properly inflated, and ride until I couldn't pedal anymore. It was my time to be. To hash out my thoughts and feelings and sort things accordingly. I have a bike and a motorcycle, but I'm locked into the rat race of work-sleep-work with little quality time to myself.

I used to be a lot more brash and ballsy. I used to write, draw, and sing freely. And then I became integrated into Corporate America. My energy became redirected.

This weighs heavily on my mind today. The easy answer is that I need a vacation. In a few short weeks, I'll be on a plane to Portland, Oregon for a few days. It's going to be a hectic weekend between meeting long-time online friends in person, going to a concert for a band I've been a fan of for several years, and calling my element, Fire, in my best friend/sister's handfasting. But I'm flying. And going back out West. Not to California, where I'm originally from, but out West nonetheless. And I get to drive through the mountains. <3

I'm also jonesing for travel to the South. I miss lots of people from Huntsville and Atlanta. I do get to see many of them during Labor Day weekend at MFM, but still.

I've been in a lull since Sunday/Monday and it's irritating me. My normal coping mechanisms aren't working as well and, well, I just wanna go and explore. My wanderlust is kicking in hardcore.

And the large gaggle of geese crossing my lanes right now is making me smile, at least a little bit. Last night, it was the mother duck and her ducklings that made me smile as they waddled across the lanes.

Many Things Make A Post

- I realized this morning that I'm being asked to do some of the projects I've done to test and/or develop me further.
- I was told by our 2nd Shift Operations Manager that when he runs his leadership workshop later this week that he wants me to be part of it. This makes me happy.
- In 11 days, I'm going for my LPQ. I suppose I should work on my notes and take the final exam, shouldn't I? ;-P
- Waystation is slowly getting off the ground. After the LPQ is done, I need to start hardcore working on the website and getting it revamped. Also, I need to start reaching out to artists for art for the con. I know at some point or another, I'd love to commission someone for a picture of the staff in our storyline roles.

~ ~ ~

Many things swirl through my brain when I'm driving. It's the best time for me to reflect and ponder. And then this song came on the radio. I don't know why, but I pulled the lyrics up on Soundhound and paid attention to them.

"Glass"

Trying to live and love,
With a heart that can't be broken,
Is like trying to see the light with eyes that can't be opened.
Yeah, we both carry baggage,
We picked up on our way, so if you love me do it gently,
And I will do the same.

We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
Cause we are glass.

I'll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks,
And in the darkness of this moment,
You see the good and bad.
But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths,
But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.

We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.

We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake,
We might burn like gasoline and fire,
It's a chance we'll have to take.

We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
And we are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We are glass. 

The past few days have left me incredibly sore and tired, but they were mostly worth it.


Friday: Rode the motorcycle to work. All 150 miles of that roundtrip commute. I would say "never again", but I know that's bullshit. ;) I didn't spill the bike (yay!), though I did have a close call where I fishtailed as I came off of I-80 at Briggs St. Still, I kept the bike upright. Kinda proud of that. Did I also mention that this was my first substantial ride? Yeah. Go big or go home. Or something. It was kinda scary riding the bike home the 75 miles at night. Many of the truck drivers were pretty cool and went around me and such, but still. My depth perception at night sucks, so I ran with brights on most of the way home. It also didn't help that half of my ride was back country roads.

Saturday: Drove to downtown Chicago to browse the IML Marketplace with Tybis, Posi, and several other friends. I haven't been to a con since MFF last November, and I loved the atmosphere. There was no malice whatsoever and if there was drama, I didn't notice it. I'm incredibly sore today (Sunday) because of the walking around Chicago, plus the soreness from riding the bike on Friday. But about IML. IML made me want to get involved in the local kink/leather community again. I think I may offer a fire cupping class after the next munch. Maybe run the munch from 7-9, then do the demo from 9:30 to 10:30 or 11. I've been doing cupping long enough that I feel comfortable instructing others in how to do it. It would also give me a damn good reason to clean the apartment to "party ready" again. xD

Sunday: Today is the 4th anniversary of my best friend's death. I'm planning on finding a park and taking the incense her mother gave me that she owned and lighting a stick and meditating. This is my small way of remembering her. I miss Kristina terribly and she was one of my biggest supporters when times were rough. I wish I could have been there as much for her as she was for me. I still remember getting the call from Derek at work and the subsequent breakdown I had in Chris's office though I tried to soldier through it.

It also sounds like I'm going to be riding down to Starved Rock State Park to hang out with some friends/co-workers today. It also means I get to do my meditation... Which means I should probably see about getting clothes on.

Last night, I corrected one of the coaches at work who was using the wrong pronouns with me in front of associates. I asked her nicely to use the correct pronouns and she sincerely told me she couldn't. She did, however, say that she would use my name. I suppose I should be grateful that she'll at least meet me halfway, but it cut me to the quick. It hurt to be blatantly told by someone I work with that they don't respect me enough to use the proper pronouns.

I talked to C1 (my manager) because he called to ask me about something, and he told me that I needed to stop correcting people. I don't correct them that often. It's mainly he and the folks up front that I end up correcting, anyways. I reminded J1 (one of the coaches) and he's been good about it since. C2 (another one of the coaches) uses the right pronouns with me, too. R doesn't, and I've been meaning to remind him, as well. I've got the professional relationship with him that I feel I can, even though R is a manager. I think what galled me is that C1 said that I need to stop correcting people because I'm not legally male yet. And, to be honest, I kind of wanted to reach through the phone and slap him for the comment. I will not go stealth at work just because it makes people uncomfortable. I am the same person that they can come to for information or projects.

On the flip side to this, C3 (our former GM) used proper pronouns about me with C1. Someone -- I'm guessing HR -- gave C3 a heads up, which I'm grateful for. I'm even more grateful that I'm respected enough by those outside of my building that they would comply with my request.

I suppose this is something I'll have to get used to, though. It just makes me wish that the suburban support group wasn't being held on a Tuesday. I may reach out to folks regardless to network and get information. And will definitely need to reach out to my "sister" Sabrina to see how she handled coming out at work.

I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed or something today. Pretty much all day at work, I've been a giant ball of cranky. Part of it, I know, is blood sugar-induced cranky. Part of it isn't, though. I'm looking at a 11+ hour day right now, which leaves me feeling angry and annoyed. I'm also extremely angry about the fact that I have once again had to swoop in and be the underdog to ensure things run smoothly. Nevermind that I have MY OWN DAMN PROJECT to worry about.

Oh, and I'm on lunch right now, which is why I'm on here. I'm just fed up and done. I have lots of spray painting left to do before I'm done tonight, lending to me being even crankier. I'm turning a deaf ear to my phone on Friday, though, and enjoying a well-deserved day off with Kitten.

The "Man Card"

Something that my co-worker T has bantered about me with since I came out as trans is my "man card", in which I behave like a typical male. And I finally realized this morning that's what is partially grating on me about him. He's a stereotypical misogynistic cisgendered male, like many of the men in my warehouse. He views women as bodies rather than people and daydreams about getting "the cute ones" in bed. He criticizes my choices in fashion (nevermind that I have long-held a masculine style of dress). And, me being who I am, it pisses me off.

I think what pisses me off even further is the concept that as a man, I need to just "take it" and let the other person admit their mistake. Sorry, but in my book, that's being a pushover and a doormat regardless of where you fall on the gender spectrum. So, I stood my ground and got called a pussy because of it. Since when does standing my ground make me weak? Last I knew, it was a strength to be valued.

Also, the simple fact that I try to treat everyone with respect means that I'm more of a man than he could ever hope to be.

I have been mulling over the past few hours how to start this post. The past few days, more or less going on a week, have consisted of me pondering between downtime at work (of which I have had plenty of this week) and my commute between work and home the subtle clues that have led me to now, where I have slowly been coming to terms with and embracing my identity not as a quirky genderqueer-identified female, but as a confident Female to Male transgendered individual.

I'm far from being out to family. In fact, to be honest, the first person I tell family-wise will probably be the cousin who has been the most vocally supportive of me, particularly in recent times. But I will get to my plan of attack later. Right now, I'm sitting here pretty amused that I can trace identifiable behavior patterns back to the point I started watching MMPR and wanted to be the Green Dragon/White Tiger Ranger. xD So, roughly 10-11 years old. Or thereabouts.

I had the standard Black upbringing - homosexuality is a sin and gender stereotypes are pounded into one's head - that was made worse when I came out as a lesbian. Technically, I described pansexuality to my mother when I came out, but still. I passionately argued my case for wanting to wear a tux to prom (and still was made to wear a dress, which I still have). And then NIU happened. NIU brought some amazing discoveries of self even though now I'm bearing the financial repercussions. I wouldn't change any of it, though. Not for the lessons I've learned and the people I've met and networked with over the years.

NIU. My Freshman year at NIU, I got heavily involved with Prism, the LGBT organization on campus. And somehow got persuaded/asked to be the Homecoming Drag King. And I loved it. I learned how to bind, albeit with vet wrap, but still. Sometime during that year, I also started researching various packing devices. I was allowed to explore my gender identity and sexual orientation freely since I didn't have prying eyes, and I did. Well, the best I could at a university, anyways.

Fast forward to 2007. I met Sabrina. At first, I was very interested in her romantically, but that soon fizzled out and we became very good friends. At this point, I consider 'Brina my sister, and when I mention my family, I have to specify which type I mean -- blood, or friend-family. Brina moved in with me at the apartment in Elgin in 2009. What this meant is that I pretty much watched her transition from its start to where she is now.

What this also meant is that I took a closer look at my own gender identity. Brina and I have had countless discussions about gender, sex, and everything in the lexicon between. Brina arguably knows me better than most people do. When I say she is my sister, I mean it. She's someone I would step up to defend in a heartbeat, but who I would also clue-by-four when she needs it. We're a bluntly honest couple of folks. And she was also the best roommate to date who I wasn't romantically involved with.

In 2010, I purchased my first binder. I started off wearing it intermittently because I wanted to test the waters, but now I wear it on a daily basis.

Roughly a month ago, I had my mental breakdown due to unrelated causes, and I sat and figured, you know what, I've gotta rebuild myself after this, anyways. Why not just start from the ground up and start over? And that's what I'm doing. After multiple days of contemplation, I decided to meet with my HR manager and begin the process of transitioning at work. Out in the "Real World", I pass as male without really trying and I've used male pronouns (at least in the BDSM world) for the previous couple of years, so why not?

For a while, the character of Samii Tiger was able to shift gender and shape to reflect me being first genderfluid, then genderqueer. It eventually got to the point that I shifted solely to being "male" as that character and it was comfortable.

So, yeah. This is where I'm at currently:
- I'm from California originally, so I'll be poking at Fyremane at some point to ask her about what I need to do to get my birth certificate changed out there (she's native to Cali, too), and I suspect that the IL Driver's License won't be much of an issue.

- I have yet to come out to my family. I figure that I'll start with my dad's side since they don't have a whole lot of contact with me. I won't say it's "not a big loss" if they stop talking to me because, even though I've never met half of my siblings, they're still my family and the thought of losing them or their support hurts.

- I will not be changing my legal name. For the longest time, I've refrained from using my full middle name on any legal documents and I will continue to do that. I was given my middle name in honor of my grandmother, and I will keep it for that reason. My grandmother was a fantastic artist and a spit fire, and I got some of that personality. My legal first name just fits me too well and I identify with it; I'm just lucky that my mother unknowingly gave me an androgynous name. xD

- Hormones. I'm in the process of doing Insurance Open Enrollment for work. You can bet that I'm moving up to a better grade of insurance, especially since I'll be working with my doctor closely on figuring out where my testosterone levels are at currently and what-not, especially since there may be complications with me taking any hormonal supplements/replacements in conjunction with some of my existing medication. We shall see.

- Surgery. Is at a maybe. Right now, I can bind sufficiently to pass as male, and I look hella good when I do it. I'm also reluctant to do a surgery that is purely for cosmetic purposes.

- Body image. I'm relatively okay where I'm at. I could stand to lose some of my pudge, but as far as physical dysphoria goes, it's at a minimum. Gotta say, though, that it would be nice to not worry about the social taboo of having female breasts exposed, though. Ah, well.

~ ~ ~

For me, it's off to the shower so I can get ready for my day. I found out some news this morning that still has me a bit sad, but I know my friend is doing the best thing for her family. I do love that no matter how long it is between when we talk, my friend and I always pick up where we left off. I suspect that whenever it is that our paths cross again, it'll be the same.

Saturday was a damn good day overall. It kinda rippled towards the end of the night, but it still ended up being a good day.

- Slept in. Ah, glorious sleep!
- Went to AmSci to meet up with Tybis and Posi.
- En route to AmSci, I got a text from Erik asking me where I was. He and the minions were nearby, so they joined us for a bit.
-- Cue me grinning from ear to ear like a damn fool. I hadn't expected to see Erik and his minions, so it was a very pleasant surprise, especially since I originally wasn't going to go out to AmSci.
- Came back to DeKalb and did food with Tybis and Posi.
- Saw The Avengers with Kitten and Mama!Kitten. We all thoroughly enjoyed the movie despite being surrounded by talkers above us and silent movie watchers below us. Still, lots of action and really enjoyed the film. =D
- Ended up coming back home with Kitten and snuggling up with her and picking out a gift for her mom. My mom's going to get a plant when I go down to Kankakee since she likes plants.

~ ~ ~

Today. Sunday. It's currently storming and I've got the windows in my apartment open to let in some of the air. In a few moments, I'm probably going to start making breakfast for Kitten and I. She said she wanted to start eating breakfast again, so I'm gonna encourage this. I had planned on taking my LPQ Final Exam today, but I forgot to e-mail myself the study notes, so I'll plan on taking it later this week.

I'm gonna start meal planning for myself, too, so I can start getting back on track for losing weight and such. Need B-vitamins and Choline, too, to help with my headspace.

There are so many projects I want to work on, too, this summer.

One could say that I "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" yesterday. I was a ball of cranky most of the day due to a combination of factors. And to top things off, I realized at the end of the night that I was so engrossed in what I was doing that I forgot to take a lunch. The OT will be nice, though.

I'm debating if I want to take my co-worker T's hours on Saturday, though. It's a 6-hour shift that I could use to catch up on my non-associate driven audits and then sleep in on Sunday. We'll see. I'm a little cranky that he wants out early on Friday to mitigate his OT, though, and I might refuse his hours on Saturday. We'll see how I feel later this week. I'm still feeling abused and taken advantage of at this point.

The thing is, I shouldn't have been nearly as cranky yesterday as I was. I got plenty of sleep on Sunday night, had a good day out with Erik and the minions, and spent some quality time with Kitten. Ah, well.

May 18th needs to get here. I could use the day off from work, even if it'll still have me running around like crazy.

~ ~ ~

The day I fly into Portland, I'm seeing Abney Park in concert. For real. I'm positively buzzing in delight at this.

My Magick is starting to come back to me. This thrills me on many levels because I am a Fire elemental.

Planning is good, doing is better.

- I rocked out my interview on Tuesday.
- I rocked out my interview outfit and raised the bar for everyone else.
- I got an "attaboy" in my e-mail this morning from my Director for a project I completed.

...I don't know if I'll get the CiT position because of my past and the bias towards me at work, but even if I don't, things are working for me and I'm being "groomed" for a position as an auditor or at Corporate.

~ ~ ~

I'm a contented jumble of happy Tiger right now. To add to my good day at work, E is incredibly good, whether or not he realizes it, at doing small little things that make me smile and get warm fuzzies.

I have my interview for Coach (Supervisor) in Training on Tuesday afternoon. I told both Kitten and E about it and they both told me good luck. Knowing that I have two really fantastic partners who support me in this is an amazing boost to my self-confidence.

Kitten is looking to go for Manager in Training later this year at her job, as well. E's set to sit for his EMT-B in another month or so, so I've got my fingers and toes crossed for him, as well. I know he'll pass, but a bit of positive energy never hurt anyone, either.

~ ~ ~

Kitten and I decided to look for condos instead of looking for a house. It will be considerably easier to find a condo that fits our budget than a house, so that's what we're running with. I think next week will be the "official" start of the housing hunt. We've already started talking to a mortgage lender in town, so we know how much we can play with. Our target area is Aurora/Naperville/Plainfield, so both of us can be reasonably close to work, plus this puts us less far away from E and our friends than if we had ended up in Joliet/New Lenox/Lockport. I am okay with this for many reasons.

"It is only by following your deepest instinct that you can lead a rich life, and if you let your fear of consequence prevent you from following your deepest instinct, then your life will be safe, expedient, and thin."

- Katherine Butler Hathaway

. . . Sometimes, I find things tucked away in my LJ right when I need them. This quotation is from nearly 3 years ago and it applies even more now. I think too much and miss out on even more simply because I'm so worried about the "what ifs". I need to change this about me and right now is the perfect time since I have to rebuild myself again.

. . . I know what my instincts say and they generally aren't wrong. I just need to listen to them more. I'm supposed to be Tiger, after all.

More importantly, those feelings of failure and inadequacy that I have need to go away. I am good at being who I am and doing what I do and should not compare myself to others. I also need to accept failure as something that happens in various circumstances. It simply means I have more growing and learning to do, not that I'm terrible at something.

Today (Sunday), I visited E's church for their service. This is notable for me. I haven't willingly gone to a church service in over a decade.

I left the Baptist church when I was 12-13 years old. I dropped out of choir and stopped going to services when I realized the hipocrasy of things that were being spouted at me. I was galled that a Preacher, an ordained Man of God, was telling me that honesty and fidelity were important only to find out that he was having an affair.  I questioned Christianity and started researching Wicca and Paganism. Mom had a shit-fit when she went looking through my belongings and found a book by Wiccan author Silver Ravenwolf. To Ride A Silver Broomstick, if I recall. Anyways, she and I butted heads about religion, which only sealed my opinion further.

I dabbled in Shamanism for 4-5 years and recently settled on just being tied to the elements. My personal belief system is similar to that of a Shaman, but I don't follow that exact path anymore. To give a brief explanation, I believe there is a Creator and that Creator has a committee composed of the Elements and the Fates that help them keep balance in Life. Humans are plopped on a sliding scale of Positive and Negative rather than good or bad. When we're born, we start at 0 - Neutral - but events in our lives and our upbringing shifts that one way or the other. I believe heavily in Karma and the concept of Paying it Forward. I don't need to subscribe to a specific doctrine to know that this is what's right for me; in fact, I detest organized religion.

Which is why going to church with E today was notable. For the most part, I enjoyed the service. I loved that there was a lot of music, both hymn and instrumental, and that all of the hymns sung by the congregation were promoting the concept of "Be awesome to each other and the environment". I even dug the fact that they had an organization that they did an offering for in addition to just one for the church. The church itself is open and accepting of all benevolent ideologies, which I grok. The one thing that made me wince is the concept of God. See above paragraph. I simply don't subscribe to the concept of one solo entity being in charge of everything. But that's my opinion and I do realize that my mileage may vary. Still, while it's highly unlikely that I'll become a full-blown member of E's church, visiting was a pleasant enough experience that I would go again if invited.

~ ~ ~

The whole reason I ended up at church with him to begin with is because we were going to go to the Barn Dance today at Fermi Lab, but didn't quite get there. After the service, there was a LGBT organization planning meeting that he wanted to attend, so we did. The meeting ran until just after 2pm, which is when the dance started. Instead, we wandered AmSci, then went back to his apartment (with me falling asleep in the car on the way back) and watched most of the first season of The Walking Dead. I'm not as hooked as Mestopho is, but it was good to watch and the zombies are hella cool to look at. I made it back to DeKalb roughly an hour ago and am now contemplating sleep soon.

Step by step, things are happening in Life that are making it interesting.

- After having a mental breakdown almost two weeks ago, I'm rebuilding walls that I need and trying to reincorporate friendships and relationships in a much more healthy way for me.

- My father was sent to the hospital last week for having excess fluid in his body. Several liters were drained and tests were run on him. Congestive heart failure, which means that I need to start squirreling away money for a trip to Alabama sometime in the future. I. . . honestly don't know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I know Dad's basically one foot in the grave. On the other, Dad hasn't been there for me at all and I still have a great deal of resentment for him for that, even if I'm okay with him in general.

- I tossed my hat in the ring for the Coach (Supervisor) in Training position at work. The interview will likely be later this week. I don't expect to get the position, but I'm certainly going to give it my all anyways. ^_^

- I made Alligators with one of E's minions on Saturday. They're time-intensive to make, but pretty fantastic all the same. I'm stupid!happy with the fact that I learned how to make something that I grew up with. And what's even more amazing is that I made homemade almond paste to go in them. Murr.

- I had the first of many meetings with our 2nd shift Operations Manager last night. These meetings will be geared towards me learning about how our operation runs and getting me more integrated in the logistics component of our facility, making me more valuable not just to my current company but to other companies down the line.
-- Related to this, he also gave me a challenge. He knows I have a lot of energy and drive to change things for the better, but, sometimes, that can brush people the wrong way, as it has in the past. His challenge to me was to take things slow and do things on a small scale; get down on a personal level with individuals or small groups and win them over that way.

~ ~ ~

I'm supposed to be attending a Family Reunion planning meeting Sunday evening. The more I think about it, the more I want to skip it. Sure, I want to help plan it, but I'm two hours away, plus Mom's going to be in Canada that weekend, so I won't have anywhere to stay at, anyways. There's also the very selfish reason that I'm spending part of the weekend with E because I don't get to see him that often. =3

I'll end up doing research on some options for various trips, one being St. Louis. Thankfully, I already have a hotel contact down there. Other options are Ypsilanti/Ann Arbor/Detroit, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis, Nashville, or the Dells. Hell, I may even find out information for Washington, D.C., New York City, or Orlando, FL. Just as ideas. xD

Kestra'chern

A Kestra'chern always provides what you need, not necessarily what you want. Sometimes, the two run atwixt.

But what is a Kestra'chern? In the most simple terms, they are healers. When I say healer, though, I don't mean in the way that doctors heal physical afflictions. Kestra'chern certainly can provide aid in that manner, but it goes deeper than that. The term comes originally from Mercedes Lackey's novel The Black Gryphon. Amberdrake, one of the main characters in the book, is a Kestra'chern, a type of healer that specializes more in healing the metaphysical heart and soul than the physical body. There are actual healers in the world of the novel that serve as a type of doctor.

How this specifically applies to me is that people (not all, but many) will open up to me fairly easily because they know they can trust me. I detest spreading gossip and, typically, if someone tells me something, I'm not going to repeat it unless another person needs to know about it to prevent a malicious occurrence. I'm bluntly honest; I have no problem telling someone exactly what I observe and what my opinions are. I detest sugar-coating topics. If I think you're a tool, I'm going to tell you you're a tool and why I think that.

The counterpoint to being this confidant persona is that because I'm so busy being strong for others, a lot of times, my own needs to vent and be healed get pushed to the side. And they build up until I break.

I started writing this post a few weeks ago, before I had my breakdown last Monday, and find it still applies. I've also been surprised by the fact that I've had several people tell me that, despite the fact that I'm currently sitting with all of my old wounds exposed, I am still one of the strongest people they know. I have also been reminded by someone very dear to me that I need to stop thinking so much and just do; my friends and chosen family won't walk away from me when I need them.

I don't ever think I'll not be a Kestra'chern. There are aspects of being a healer-type that are ingrained into my personality, but I will be taking a lot more time for myself to ensure I keep my balance.

Move Along

"Move Along" - The All-American Rejects

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your

Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

(Speak to me)
When all you gotta keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know ya do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong
We move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong
we move along (along)
Along (along)
Along (along)
Along

When all you gotta keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through (just to make it through)

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do (I know you do)
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)

Right back what is wrong
We move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along (go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

~ ~ ~

It's been a while since I posted lyrics. Have a song that helps me when I feel caught up in Life's challenges.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not always the bouncy, happy (sometimes annoyingly so ;-P) Tiger that everyone knows me as. I have days where my doubts come in and smack me upside the head and make me want to run away from everyone and everything. Monday was one of those such days.

I'm still feeling more than a little broken and sore, but I'm alive and still in the rat race. I know there are others out there worse off than myself, but I also know better than to invalidate my own emotions. A good chunk of the emotions have been working themselves out, but there's still bits and pieces (namely those where I feel like my chibi Tiger cub self are going "hey, don't forget about me over here") that I'm still working to squash out. It's not entirely easy. And some of that squashing hurts. All I ask is for a bit of patience and the occasional reminder that I'm not being forgotten.