The Grey One

They say the best revenge against someone who has wronged you is twofold: forgive them, and be successful. I've done both.

Forgiveness for damaging me to my core came quickly. I couldn't hate someone I had loved so passionately and for so long. Five years of loving someone from a distance can do that. That's what's ironic about this whole thing. One of the reasons I was given for you leaving me is that you needed time to get to know me when you had five years of learning about me from journals and conversations. Linear time is flawed, as is distance, but still. I still wonder what had happened if I had picked up my life and moved to be with you. I'm far from being a Proper Southern Lady or Gent, and I never would be. I'm too much of a Damn Yankee. Would that have caused a rift sooner or later?

I learned a lot through that entire experience -- what my tolerances were for my relationships, and what was truly acceptable for me in terms of communication. I learned that I am not a "sometimes girlfriend". In for a penny, in for a pound with me. I learned that I don't need to tell my partner(s) that I love them every day for them to know it; my actions speak it louder and more clearly than any words ever will. I learned the value of open, honest, and regular communication; none of this crap about only talking about things when they aren't issues. If there is an issue, talk to me about it plainly and we'll discuss it and find a resolution. I'm still waiting for the discussion on why there was a breakdown in communication on your end.

I think the thing that amuses me the most, though, is that I was made to be the bad guy (I had several people tell me that I'm abusive and a monster) when I'm the one who spent time, money, and energy trying to visit and spend as much time in person with you when I wasn't getting the same dedication in return. I realize now, especially after being with Kitten, and now my foxboy, that I have realistic expectations for what I want out of a relationship and that I did then.

Success. I rebuilt myself from the ground up. I am the sum of my experiences. Not all of them are frilly and pretty, but they have shaped me to be who I am. I share an identical wound to you now, and you left your mark. The difference between us is that I take the scar and use it as a reminder of how I am stronger now than I was before. You're still cowering in my shadow, afraid to face me head on. Why is that? Are you afraid to face what you gave up, or are you afraid that I'll retaliate despite me giving my word that I wouldn't? I'm better than that. And you know that I am.

What will I do? I'll keep wishing you well on the holidays and your birthday, sending you a little bit of positive energy. Because that's what I do.