My mother and I have the most interesting relationship. We've never been terribly close, stemming from an incident when I was 12 where she lost my trust, but as we get older, we're becoming more respectful of one another, at least. I'm the oldest of two children. My youngest sister is just under 6 years younger than me. She's the favored child. I've known that since we were still kids. My mom insists this isn't the case and will never admit it, but I know, at least while growing up, that this was true.

Back when I was in High School, I was in a 10-way tie for Valedictorian. I was in Honors classes throughout my High School career, and I got good grades in them. Physics and Calculus didn't treat me well, but that's neither here nor there. Point is, I'm incredibly book-smart. During my Senior year, I received applications in the mail from colleges and universities across the United States, including Yale and Harvard (I think I still have those somewhere; I saved them because of the personal pride they instilled). At that point, I intended to go to school for Chemistry with a minor in Spanish. I was offered a full ride to Iowa State University for Chemistry. There was one problem with this: I had visited NIU's campus and fell in love with it. I loved the atmosphere about DeKalb and knew that it would be good for me. Mom wanted me to go where the money was.

I don't regret the decision to go to NIU. First semester kicked me nine ways from Sunday on multiple levels, but second semester found me on an even keel again. I grew as a person in ways that I can't quite explain, even to this day, and had experiences that shaped me into the person I am now. I don't think that would have happened had I gone to Iowa. I'm paying off NIU at this point for that one year and it'll take me the next 3.5 years to do so at my current rate, but I'm looking to set things right.

Up until fairly recently, Mom would nag at me about going to college. I finally told her on the last visit that it hurt me every time she brought it up and that I'm working on it when I can, and I am. I won a scholarship from work last November that is enabling me to work on a certification for my field that will make me more marketable. I was in classes Spring 2011, too, for Criminal Justice. That's the major I settled on. I love the field I'm in, even if my current job doesn't reflect that accurately, and I want to eventually get certified by Wicklander-Zulawski to do Dishonest Associate Interviews, as well. Many of the things I'm doing now are career-oriented.

As I've gotten older, Mom has seen me go from rebellious teen (I've always been a firebrand; it's in my blood) to calm and calculated adult. She's commented recently that I seem to have found an inner peace that I didn't have before. It's true, though. I have. My inner peace has been found by accepting myself as who I am -- an intelligent, kinky, genderqueer/transmasculine person who has a lot of personal integrity and determination -- and accepting the fact that I will evolve and change; it's what people do.

I think what I'm impressed by the most, though, is that Mom and I are able to communicate on the same level with mutual respect. I'm still her kid, but she gives me the respect I deserve as a person. That has helped me with getting over the bitterness of not trusting her and forgiving her for screwing me over when I was at NIU. It's taken time and it'll take more time until things are fully repaired for me, but we're going in the right direction. I still haven't told her everything about me, though, and I doubt I ever will.