Today was one on the pendulum. My co-worker avoided me all day and left 2 hours early. On the other hand, I won our shift's chili cook off award for "Most Unique" with my own variant of Chana Masala. I actually documented it this time, too, so I have a guideline to work from that fits my taste. I'll probably post it on Saturday.

C pointed out while we were doing an audit together that I seem to be lacking confidence. I hadn't realized just how true that was until earlier this evening. At work, I feel worn out and almsot devalued and this transfers over to my personal life a lot of times. I was talking to Kitten on the way home tonight and I mentioned to her that I've lost my balance. And I have. I need to work on regaining it. So, that's what the next month or two will be about. I need to stop being the kitten and reawaken Tiger again.

Completely unrelated, but while talking with E the other day, he asked me if I had a fabulous hat. That question made me think of the Jägerkin, who have an affinity for really awesome hats. It also reminds me that I need to find some way to properly introduce E to Girl Genius. I think he'd probably/possibly enjoy it.

I tend to start a lot of "fires" at work. Or at least tend to be the source of them, even if I don't start them intentionally. Two decent sized ones, one intentional, one not.

I do my job and I do it well. Generally, I am both well-respected and well-liked in our building. For the most part. Like anything where you do the right thing because it's the right thing to do, you make enemies or people who don't care for your presence. I have both. They both tend to be in positions higher than mine. And I kicked the hornet's nest yesterday after doing my Load Audit. It happens. I knew when I got called back to the Shipping Office exactly why I was getting called back there, and I was okay with it. I have zero regrets with how that meeting went and my conduct surrounding it. My manager also talked with me about it later. The only thing I need to adjust with how I do my audit is how I present information to the person being audited. I'm okay with that and understand the reasoning behind it. Besides, the manager and I are doing audits together today. I'm eager for him to see what I see.

The flip side to this is I had a miss yesterday that resulted in me borrowing a page from E's book. My co-worker called around 1:45 PM and started yelling at me despite me telling him calmly that his relief should be headed out to take care of him. To be fair, I probably should have wandered out to TCC around 1:30ish to get him out of there, so it was my miss. However, if you call me yelling, I'm going to hang up on you or set the receiver down. I am not going to sit there and just "take it". My patience for that sort of behavior went away several months ago.

Unrelated to work, I've been having some issues with the whole working first shift thing. It hasn't done my headspace any favors and I'm generally super-tired when I get home. That said, I'm glad it's Friday. Kitten and I have started talking about getting a kitty once we get finances and everything settled out. We're going to TAILS later today and visiting the shelter kitties, which I'm looking forward to.

I've found myself second-guessing my instincts a lot recently. I'm trying to be less impulsive and more considerate (or attempting to be such) and it's bothering me a lot where I wonder about the "what ifs". I really should let it be and just ride the wave. Life happens and I'm constantly reminding myself of that. It doesn't help matters when the heart says one thing and the mind throws down the brakes. I need to re-learn the patience I'm known for because Life does happen.

I have the makings of a post swirling about my head. Right now, though, it's way past bedtime and I still need a shower, so it'll have to wait until Friday or Saturday.

Today's shift went much better than yesterday's. I think a major reason I was a cranky cat was that I didn't take care of myself too well (I can already hear E poking at me about this) and my blood sugar dropped and I didn't fully realize it. The driver being an ass didn't help matters.

I've already had dinner and did a good portion of the dishes. I'm just waiting for the hot water heater to refill before I take my shower and get cozy. I'm debating on when I should head to sleep. As much as I want to work on the Waystation website, it'll have to wait until tomorrow or the weekend.

Also contributing to my much improved mood today was my drive in to work. Driving 60+ MPH on the interstates while thinking about loved ones generally tends to do that.

Most of my shift yesterday was good. It was a productive day for me -- got outstanding paperwork done, finished reports, worked a little on some projects, and did an interior safety walk with C. It was good up until the last 20 minutes of my shift.

I got this one driver who kept giving me shit about me doing my job properly. The issue with the load number irked me, but it didn't piss me off. However, when he came back to Trailer Control and proceeded to whine about first not having load bars (I provided them), then about the fact I needed him to adjust the height of the load bars, I got pissed off. I got even more livid when I got told by my manager to effectively secure the load myself, which is not my job. Securing the load didn't bother me so much as the smirk the driver gave me as I struggled to secure the fucking thing and couldn't. I wanted to ram the load bar I had in my hands down that driver's throat, I was so angry. And I was pissed off the rest of the day as a result.

Even this morning, I feel a little off. That one little incident was enough to bring up weeks of anger I had let quietly build up. I'm slowly letting off the steam by journaling and gaming (WoW and The Witcher) so I don't become comepletely bitter and an asshole again. I am not a thoroughly happy cat, but I do have instances in my life that bring me a great deal of joy. I'm not going to sugarcoat the fact that I've had several really low headspace days recently, either. It happens.

However, it's going to get near 60 degrees outside and will be fairly sunny today. That fact alone makes me pretty pleased. I'll also be coming home today rather than running errands, which will also help. I can have some time to decompress. Sleep usually helps, as does journaling (writing is cathartic to me).

And it's about that time where I need to think about getting clothes on and making lunch for the day. Hopefully, today will be better than yesterday.

I barely made it through the day. I'm getting too old to pull the whole 36+ hours without sleep thing. I was fine up until it started getting dark, though. I did make it home in one piece, though my garage door almost got torn down from me slamming on the gas, but I stopped fast enough to prevent that. Still, it was enough to leave me shaking in a very bad way, and I promptly came in and took a nap.

And yet I'm still up... >_>

I haven't mentioned the con I'm partnering with some folks to run, have I? I'll post the info in the morning. I'll be working on the website some when I get up and will get what I have posted.

I'm probably going to be yelled at by Kitten and E later on today. I opted to stay up so I can organize/put away my living room/kitchen area before we bring more stuff into it... Which means no sleep for me until tonight.

That said, I'm going to go make myself some coffee so I can try and get caffeinated for today.

My mother and I have the most interesting relationship. We've never been terribly close, stemming from an incident when I was 12 where she lost my trust, but as we get older, we're becoming more respectful of one another, at least. I'm the oldest of two children. My youngest sister is just under 6 years younger than me. She's the favored child. I've known that since we were still kids. My mom insists this isn't the case and will never admit it, but I know, at least while growing up, that this was true.

Back when I was in High School, I was in a 10-way tie for Valedictorian. I was in Honors classes throughout my High School career, and I got good grades in them. Physics and Calculus didn't treat me well, but that's neither here nor there. Point is, I'm incredibly book-smart. During my Senior year, I received applications in the mail from colleges and universities across the United States, including Yale and Harvard (I think I still have those somewhere; I saved them because of the personal pride they instilled). At that point, I intended to go to school for Chemistry with a minor in Spanish. I was offered a full ride to Iowa State University for Chemistry. There was one problem with this: I had visited NIU's campus and fell in love with it. I loved the atmosphere about DeKalb and knew that it would be good for me. Mom wanted me to go where the money was.

I don't regret the decision to go to NIU. First semester kicked me nine ways from Sunday on multiple levels, but second semester found me on an even keel again. I grew as a person in ways that I can't quite explain, even to this day, and had experiences that shaped me into the person I am now. I don't think that would have happened had I gone to Iowa. I'm paying off NIU at this point for that one year and it'll take me the next 3.5 years to do so at my current rate, but I'm looking to set things right.

Up until fairly recently, Mom would nag at me about going to college. I finally told her on the last visit that it hurt me every time she brought it up and that I'm working on it when I can, and I am. I won a scholarship from work last November that is enabling me to work on a certification for my field that will make me more marketable. I was in classes Spring 2011, too, for Criminal Justice. That's the major I settled on. I love the field I'm in, even if my current job doesn't reflect that accurately, and I want to eventually get certified by Wicklander-Zulawski to do Dishonest Associate Interviews, as well. Many of the things I'm doing now are career-oriented.

As I've gotten older, Mom has seen me go from rebellious teen (I've always been a firebrand; it's in my blood) to calm and calculated adult. She's commented recently that I seem to have found an inner peace that I didn't have before. It's true, though. I have. My inner peace has been found by accepting myself as who I am -- an intelligent, kinky, genderqueer/transmasculine person who has a lot of personal integrity and determination -- and accepting the fact that I will evolve and change; it's what people do.

I think what I'm impressed by the most, though, is that Mom and I are able to communicate on the same level with mutual respect. I'm still her kid, but she gives me the respect I deserve as a person. That has helped me with getting over the bitterness of not trusting her and forgiving her for screwing me over when I was at NIU. It's taken time and it'll take more time until things are fully repaired for me, but we're going in the right direction. I still haven't told her everything about me, though, and I doubt I ever will.

...We need to talk...

Sometimes, Tigers can be incredibly stupid cats. Sometimes, they can get caught up in assumptions of a situation or situations that make them incredibly neurotic and paranoid.

I'm trying to work on that. It's one of my weaknesses that was brought to the surface during the whole Lira/OfficeMax debacle and never got fully worked out. For my brain, the cycle usually runs something like this: Say/do something --> Realize what I said/did may have been offensive --> Wait for subject to approach me about issue --> Silence --> Worry that I've been offensive to the point that it's easier to ignore me

What usually happens is I give the person their space for a day or two, then will poke at them in case I have done something wrong (I like correcting my issues so they aren't issues). Most times, I've just been a baka tora and have assumed the worst about a situation when the person was really just busy with something or Life happened in tandem.

The title phrase, "We need to talk", is similarly triggering for me. Manager Brian at OfficeMax would send me e-mails using that phrase a lot, and a lot of times, he would only be seen when something had gone wrong at my building. It became a conditioned response (arf! arf!) that makes me start worrying and makes me want to hide in a corner. It also elicits a "What did I do wrong now?" response from me. C's been good about not using that phrase when he wants to give me constructive criticism, though, after I told him the response I usually have. Kitten's also learning not to use it.

Just throwing that out there since it was floating around in my head and needed to be explained at some point.

With the first work day of the new year, I got back on the horse of managing my diabetes and my health in general. I'm trying to get a decent amount of sleep each night, but most notable for me is that I started back taking my blood sugar. I stopped in late 2011 because of a mistake I made while taking it. My lancer has settings ranging from 1-4 with 1 being the shortest puncture depth, and 4 being the deepest. I normally keep mine on 1 or 2. Somehow, I set it to 4 unintentionally, and my finger was sore for the better part of the day. If you know me, you know I don't like pain, so that's the reminder that stuck with me. I continued taking my medication, though.

Something I'm aiming to do, also, is to start planning out my meals so Kitten and I know what to do for groceries and I can focus on eating healthier. The holidays are atrocious for that, and it's shown. Right now, I'm sitting at a comfortable size 46 in pants, but my plan is to be down to a size 40 or 42 by July for Brina's wedding.

I was talking with C, my manager, earlier and he's trying to lose weight, too. For me, it's more about getting back in shape, honestly, and keeping my diabetes manageable to a point where I don't need to take insulin.

2012, I think, is going to be about getting myself back in shape -- health, education, career development, and money. I've had a series of events so far that have made me think more critically, so that's a step in the right direction. I also need to remain balanced between my work/career development, extracurricular activities (Waystation, namely), and my home/family/love life.

My weekend was defined by board games, tons of delicious food, good company, and a rambunctious Kitten and a Fox. In short, I had a good, low key weekend with loved ones. It still amazes me that Kitten and E get along as well as they do, but I'm not going to complain; I'm glad they do and it makes me smile.

The Grey One

They say the best revenge against someone who has wronged you is twofold: forgive them, and be successful. I've done both.

Forgiveness for damaging me to my core came quickly. I couldn't hate someone I had loved so passionately and for so long. Five years of loving someone from a distance can do that. That's what's ironic about this whole thing. One of the reasons I was given for you leaving me is that you needed time to get to know me when you had five years of learning about me from journals and conversations. Linear time is flawed, as is distance, but still. I still wonder what had happened if I had picked up my life and moved to be with you. I'm far from being a Proper Southern Lady or Gent, and I never would be. I'm too much of a Damn Yankee. Would that have caused a rift sooner or later?

I learned a lot through that entire experience -- what my tolerances were for my relationships, and what was truly acceptable for me in terms of communication. I learned that I am not a "sometimes girlfriend". In for a penny, in for a pound with me. I learned that I don't need to tell my partner(s) that I love them every day for them to know it; my actions speak it louder and more clearly than any words ever will. I learned the value of open, honest, and regular communication; none of this crap about only talking about things when they aren't issues. If there is an issue, talk to me about it plainly and we'll discuss it and find a resolution. I'm still waiting for the discussion on why there was a breakdown in communication on your end.

I think the thing that amuses me the most, though, is that I was made to be the bad guy (I had several people tell me that I'm abusive and a monster) when I'm the one who spent time, money, and energy trying to visit and spend as much time in person with you when I wasn't getting the same dedication in return. I realize now, especially after being with Kitten, and now my foxboy, that I have realistic expectations for what I want out of a relationship and that I did then.

Success. I rebuilt myself from the ground up. I am the sum of my experiences. Not all of them are frilly and pretty, but they have shaped me to be who I am. I share an identical wound to you now, and you left your mark. The difference between us is that I take the scar and use it as a reminder of how I am stronger now than I was before. You're still cowering in my shadow, afraid to face me head on. Why is that? Are you afraid to face what you gave up, or are you afraid that I'll retaliate despite me giving my word that I wouldn't? I'm better than that. And you know that I am.

What will I do? I'll keep wishing you well on the holidays and your birthday, sending you a little bit of positive energy. Because that's what I do.

Last night, I tried multiple times to start writing an entry on the day I had. Contrary to how my days have been going (filled with doom, adventure, and running for my life), Sunday was a day filled with little instances that made me smile all day.

Here's a secret about this Tiger: I value the small things in life far more than the larger things.

From the point where Brit and I woke up and watched a movie together before we needed to leave to timidly walking into a new place that was unfamiliar to me to dancing with a lover who normally leaves me tongue-tied (but not confused) to realizing the impression I've made on one of my lover's children to having dinner with my lover's family and Brit to curling up with Brit and watching a movie to round off the day. Sunday was a good day. My only "regret" about the day, which really isn't a regret at all, is that I didn't get the last dance. There'll be other times.

But I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have the people surrounding me that I do and that I appreciate them being in my life.

“The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us.” - Ashley Montagu

It's early for me to be sleeping, so I'm awake at the computer and running over the day's events in my head. I purchased some leather for a project (or two), saw my foxboy for about an hour or so, then came home and made dinner for Kitten and I.

I need more happy-making days like this. I'm also similarly excited about Sunday's events. I have been since Wednesday or such when plans were made.

On and Forward

In the past week, I have learned some very important lessons on my personal tolerances for things; the value of honesty, integrity, and friendship; and that I can play "the game", as it's called. In short, I have definitely grown as a person and it's been in not-so-subtle ways that even I can tell.

People both amuse and amaze me with their actions.

I know this is cryptic, but I'll have a story to tell when it's all said and done. Hah. My co-worker thinks I should write a book chronicling my life so far. It's certainly had its moments the past few years that would be book-worthy.

“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure” - Peter Marshall

Layers

The last day of 2011 was an onion day. Many, many layers.

 - I hate seeing others, especially those I care about, being yanked about like I was with Lira. No communication, no updates, no reason. Hate it when people do that.
- I have next to no issues addressing things that are bothering me in person with the person in question. Via text message, on the phone, or otherwise, not so much.
- Absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder.
- Anything except murder can be discussed and negotiated out.
- I constantly surprise myself with how laid back I've become in some respects. In others, not so much.
- Having a cat sit on your lap and be at peace is an incredible compliment.
- Foxes are stubborn creatures.
- Tigers should always follow their instincts.
- Kittens are filled with love and purr when they are snuggled and pet.
- The greatest reassurance that someone cares about you is them hugging you tightly; more feelings are expressed through physical contact than any words can convey. That's at least true for me.

~ ~ ~

I'm sitting at work this morning, waiting on a couple of loads to pick up. I'm scheduled until 2 PM, though there's far from enough work for me to get done between now and then. The last thing for me to do today, aside from wait on a driver to show up and pick up a load that was due out Friday, is to type up the Safety Notes from last week's meeting. Other than that, I'm free to work on leatherwork, which I plan on doing.

I'm starting off 2012 strong, though. It should be a good year. At least I hope so.

I have more vacation days this year, so I have a much, much more flexible schedule. Almost 3.5 weeks between vacation, personal time, and (prospective) perfect attendance days. Definitely enough time to attend more cons and spend more time with people I care about.

Speaking of conventions, I think I may try and attend Mephit FurMeet as a Dealer this year. With the exception of FurFest, I think that I need to see about gathering inventory and working Dealer's Den. Maybe Cait and I can team up on that. Maybe. Except I run under the banner of Flying Tiger Art and Designs. Hm. Something to think about.

Portions for Foxes

For lack of a cohesive post about my thought processes, have another song from my past that kinda-sorta applies now.

"Portions for Foxes" - Rilo Kiley

There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
but just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
and I call you and say "C'MERE!"

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news
Baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news

'Cause you're just damage control
for a walking corpse like me - like you

'Cause we'll all be
Portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be
Portions for foxes

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleepin' inside of you
and the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too

And you're bad news
My friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

You're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
I like you

Catharsis in Motion

Last year, I felt rather bitter in the days following Christmas for whatever reason I had. It was either because I was stressed out from money, work, or because something else had torqued my gears. It may have been because I was stuck running around the better part of Illinois. I'm lacking that bitter resentment this year, and I'm rather glad for it. Kitten and I visited 5 of our family members' houses and had a pretty decent time. Her grandmother's still trying to guilt trip her into calling or visiting more often, and several of her paternal relatives are evidently trying to find -some- fault with me. They don't try to engage me in conversation, so I play Bejeweled on my phone or bring my laptop with me. To be fair, I don't really try all that hard in return. They have kids, so a lot of times, I'll play with the kids when I'm over because they don't care about finding a fault with me; they just know I'm awesome, will give them attention, will play with them, and I come with cousin Kitten, so I must be okay. Gotta love younger kids.

More and more, I am very pleasantly surprised by both mine and Kitten's mother. Both parents had something for each Kitten and I, and Kitten's mom gave us a joint gift, which I thought was pretty fantastic. Kitten's already started her "Thank You" cards, and I'll need to work on some, too. This is a sharp contrast to last year, where we were fighting for acceptance from both parents. I'm pleased that we've more or less gotten it.

There were only two things that put a slight damper on the weekend: I wasn't able to visit someone very dear to me during all of the running about (and was consequently a bit stressed out by it -- so it goes with Tiger hearts) and, while turning on the shower faucet, I broke an oak bar from the wall in the bathroom. I'll be tossing clothes on shortly so I can go run errands and get things to repair the small holes left by the screws. Seriously, a very minor repair that shouldn't take me any more than 30-45 minutes.

Today, I have the day off. I'll be making my repair this morning, possibly sleeping a bit more, doing a bit of laundry, and generally hanging about the house. I have a couple of computers I need to see about getting up and running, but, honestly, they'll probably just sit downstairs for a bit. Need to get another monitor that's not my primary one (or borrow the one out in the garage) so I can get both machines up and running.

In a week, I'll either be gallivanting about Chicago with the aforementioned loved one and his best friend's family or I'll be sitting in Trailer Control working on stuff for work. I may take the train up to Chicago regardless after I get off work. Depends on what's going on. Right now, the schedule lists me as being off on the 2nd, but we'll see.

Saturday, I'm headed up to Grayslake by way of Geneva and Elgin to do some last minute shopping for both holiday gifts and personal items for leatherworking.

Actually, when I get back, maybe I'll work on streamlining my website and making it more professional. After I've repaired what I promised to, that is!

. . . By the way, I know I ramble on a lot here. And on LiveJournal, too. For those new to my style of blogging, I tend to use my blogs (especially LJ) as a chronicle of my life. Joy, pain, love, anger. The whole lexicon of emotion, thought, or a lack thereof is all written down so I can go back and remember. Writing is cathartic for me, and so a lot of what I think, even if I don't say it in conversation, is written down. I know it's not always best practice, but I'm more likely to send someone to an entry on my blog that is much better communicated than my own vocalized words would be than to ramble on in conversation. The blog on my website is much, much more focused. Art, cooking, and maybe a bit of a life update now and again.

~ ~ ~

Oh! That quotation on the last entry? Not related to the entry. It was actually posted for someone who reads this blog from time to time and I was hoping they would see it. Heh. I work LP. I use messages within a message sometimes.

I'm now on Christmas break from work. It's only a 4-day weekend, but in those 4 days, Kitten and I are traveling between 5 households in 3 days to visit both my relatives and hers.

Even though I know I'm going to be completely exhausted from all of the running about, I'm excited to see my future in-laws again. Kitten's mom has warmed up to me the past few weeks, so that's making me feel a bit more at ease. The folks from Mendota haven't seen me since the Sweet Corn Fest, and I kind of worry that I won't be as welcome there because I all but dragged Kitten's aunt to the ER kicking and screaming.

Part of this Tour de Illinois will also include Kitten finally meeting my aunt and uncle, and possibly some of my cousins. We've been together over a year and a half at this point, and we're also engaged. I think I'm entitled at this point to make those introductions.


~ ~ ~

“Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It's funny how such a small, simple gesture can make you grin from ear to ear. Thursday night, the boy tried to stay up and wait for me to get to his place. And when I got there, he wouldn't go back to sleep until I promised him I'd be coming to bed shortly. There's also the fact that he curled against me as close as he could without pushing me off the bed, too.

I wish we'd had more one-on-one time, but I'm glad for the little bit that we had together. I always like snuggling with him, even if my heart always races the first few minutes. He's like a violet wand to my senses. Kitten is my warm blanket on a cold winter night.

It's kind of funny how stumbling onto someone's blog post roughly 2 months ago has changed my life. Arguably, I'd say it's for the better.